PCOS - check. Infertility - check. IVF - check. 43 years young - check. Sick of babydust - fricking double check. Join a Scottish infertile as she slowly swirls down the plughole. Now with added donor egg flava.

Saturday, April 30, 2005

Above us only sky

On Friday, there were 2 definites and one maybe.

A discussion was had regarding retrieval vs. IUI. The 3 follicles are all on my left ovary and it is my left tube which is blocked. My right ovary is like the Deathstar - dark and brooding and empty.

After some debate and gnawing of my own hands, we decided to play the cards that have been dealt. Retrieval will be Tuesday morning. I feel at peace with my decision and I am under no illusions as to the odds of anything being left to transfer. I am going back into my cave now.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

No wheels on my wagon...

I have not been able to post as Blogger is fucking about, as per usual.

Monday, we were down to 5 follicles over 10mm.

Today, we are down to 3 or 4 follicles over 10mm.

Friday, final check as I will have stimmed for 14 days at that point. I think it will be pretty moot that retrieval won't be happening as clinic limit is 3 follicles at least for retrieval. The way mine are taking a dive, I don't think we will have 3 by then.

There is already a lot of talk about "next time". Different dosage, different protocol, different strokes for different folks.

The only thing is that protocol demands a 3 month break between IVF cycles so there are going to be a lot more gardening posts again.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Hate to say I told you so....

Friday's U/S was a bit of a blow. I could tell by Nurse Ratchet's face that things were not quite au fait. She might as well come right out and say "you are a fat non-responder and stop wasting our time here".

I definitely have 10 follicles but they have not grown since last U/S on Tuesday.

Nurse Ratchet gave me the obligatory and desultory pep talk that my lining had increased so they were just about to take off. However, I have seen this episode before and I switched off.

Next pow-wow with my whatevah ovaries first thing on Monday. Deep joy! Now all I get to do this weekend is worry and cry and contemplate the back-end of the retrieval bus driving away in front off me.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Make way, make way...lady with follicles coming through

Bloody Blogger - I have been trying to update since yesterday's U/S.

It was such a relief to see a response.

I had 7-10 follicles, all under 10mm.

Phew! I did not realise I was holding my breath until I exhaled.

The dildocam done good.

Now all I have to worry about is Friday's U/S. It never ends does it? Always another hurdle to traverse.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Bloating along..singing this song

Day 4 of stims and day whatevah of downregging. I have given up forever the notion of breathing through my nose again in this lifetime. Between the Synarel nose spray and the sodium benzoate in the beta blockers, my nasal membranes are truly like chopped liver. The snoring at night isn't bothering me though hahhaha!

My first follie check is tomorrow. It has been a full year since my last injectibles cycle but the dread of the follie check has not dissipated. You probably think whats the deal?

I did 6 Gonal-f cycles, of which only 4 staggered to trigger and 2 were cancelled due to poor response. The 4 that just made it to trigger were only ever 1 follie and out of those 4, 3 cycles were on the bad tube side. Yeah, yeah, I heard the peptalk from the nurse that your tube waggles over to the other side and can suck the egg over. Yeah, right!!

I am thinking I need to find some of that Pollyanna attitude to keep me going. Not too much cos then I go too far over the other way and start thinking maybe this time, my ovaries will respond. Unfortunately I then want to kill myself when they don't.

I think it is time for some light horrorscope reading and a little decaff meditation.

Friday, April 15, 2005

Thirty-something seeks zen....apply within.

My horrorscope for the week goes like this (and you too, if you are a fellow calm, harmonious, even-handed, unflappable Libran with quiet ovaries)...

You will believe that anything is possible this week, and you won't have much time for people who urge caution or suggest that you might be getting ideas above your station. With the Sun and your ruler Venus, planet of charisma and creativity, both positively linked to ambitious Pluto, you will leave them gnashing their teeth in the slow lane. Don't worry about it. If they want to limit themselves, that's up to them - you have more important things to do.

Yup, that's right!! Make way for ovaries with important things to do, dildocams to see and drugs to suck up! Charismatic ovaries, come on down. Otherwise known as the baseline was good, I did my first 225iu of Gonal-f tonight and we are on the road.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Yo! Non-Blogger Dude!

The image of the iPod as the cool accessory of us young and trendy things took a battering yesterday when Dubya was shown jogging along with his aide-updated playlist. This included one of my all-time faves "My Sharona".

WTF??? Man, does my life not suck enough already?? For the love of music, leave the good tunes alone. I am sure there are plenty of suck-ass songs Dubya could be listening to.

I now realise that I had initially set my blog to comments from registered Bloggers only. Non-Blogger people, feel free to step in to the hormone splash pool and suggest songs which Dubya should be listening to. Or anything else about jimjams, gardening, hormones ad infinitum.

Comment ho! (Not comment, ho! Hahahaha!)

Wish I May...Wish I Might...

So..the weekend ended, the jim-jams had to be taken off and on with the suit for work. It was nice while it lasted. I was not looking forward to going back to work as my boss was returning from her hols and it meant I would have to hedge, fudge and contritely explain what the fuck happened last week.

However, I must have been viewing last week's work-related events through Synarel goggles (like beer goggles but without sex and including v. v. bad headaches). You see, when I did make it to work (via a detour to my consultant endocrinologist and more about that in a bit), it all really was not so bad. Yes, I had made some mistakes but nothing life-threatening or irrevocable and I think I will still have a job for another week. Phew! See, jimjams therapy - it works!

My appt with the consultant was the final check on the blood sugar, BP and weight before the baseline U/S on Thursday to check suppression. It was fab news all round as I have now lost 10 kilos (22.2 lbs), my blood sugar was perfect and stable and my BP was behaving itself very nicely. None of this was really a surprise to me as of course, I have been obsessively pricking my finger, jumping on and off the scales and testing my BP at home. Yes, I can now test at home as the nurse at the GPs took pity on me last week and gave me my own digital BP monitor. £100 in Boots but free on loan to me. She was really nice and said it would do for during my pregnancy! Of course, I immediately freaked out, stuck my fingers in ears singing Lalalala and threw salt over my shoulder to ward off any leprechauns bearing lucky white heather. Such nice people employed here in the NHS.

So...only 3 more sniffs till the U/S. I am getting a bit antsy which has probably nothing to do with the 20 days of down-regging. I keep thinking what is that twinge in my ovary? What is that cramp? Fuck, it feels too lively down there! Shouldn't it be like I am dead from the waist down?? What if it is a cyst? Ok, jimjams time again.


Saturday, April 09, 2005


Last week, my friend asked me how I was doing down-regging with the Synarel and I replied that it was not too bad....a few headaches, technical problems with acrid nasal drip but nothing I could not handle.

This week, I take it all back....I want to kill people, I have sucked the big one all week at work and am probably going to be fired and I feel absolute cack. Stop whinging, I hear you say. I know, I know, I have moaned for months about waiting to start IVF and the endless delays but can I just have a little whinge, pretty please?

I feel so bad today that I have sent Mr P off to Tesco with a shopping list and I normally love any kind of shopping.

One good thing is that it puts paid to any worries about the Synarel not working.

Oh, and it also reverted to sub-zero temps this week and we had snow. I am spending this weekend in my jimjams.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

I Need a Holiday in Cambodia

Mmmkay...I don't want to read anything in the newspapers about the Pope's funeral, Prince Rainier's funeral, the election on 5th May, the Royal Wedding, the Grand National or school dinners. Looks like it will be the Beano for the next month then.

Monday, April 04, 2005

When the Leather Runs Smooth on the Passenger Seat

Congrats, Amy! You guessed correctly the next line!

Someone asked for pics of my garden but unfortunately I am a complete loser when it comes to this blogging in that I cannot figure out how to do anything yet but I do not have enough time to sit and figure it out! Arrggh! Maybe one day.

It has been a holiday weekend here in my little corner of Scotland. We are all heathens and do not celebrate Easter but we still have a trades holiday when traditionally the factory and farm workers were let out to play. For the last fortnight, we have been hemmed in by coastal fog (haar) and rain but this weekend, lo! what shining orb is that in the sky? Yay, sunshine. It has been so nice to see the sun and potter about in the garden as it slowly comes to life. Mr P also had to rescue a baby rabbit which had taken up residence beside our kitchen door.

It was lucky that I didn't snap its neck out of sheer Synarel-induced rage. Sigh! 12 sniffing days down and only 9 days to go until the baseline scan and hopefully start stims. I have been feeling the rage and Mr P is keeping his head down. It is lucky that he has a new toy to play with as he barricades himself into his study. He got a new synth - a Korg MS2000B. Don't ask me anymore about it - I only know it was v. expensive. As long as he is happy and keeps the bolt on his door haha!

I am trying not to stress out about whether I will be under-suppressed or over-suppressed at the baseline scan in 9 days or whether my contrary ovaries will do anything required of them. After 6 clomid cycles and 6 injectible cycles where nothing ever went to plan, I am prepared for the worst now. That is the nearest I get to feeling positive nowadays.