PCOS - check. Infertility - check. IVF - check. 43 years young - check. Sick of babydust - fricking double check. Join a Scottish infertile as she slowly swirls down the plughole. Now with added donor egg flava.

Sunday, February 27, 2005

Only Richard Gere looks sexy with grey hair....

because I certainly do not!! I have dyed it again tonight in preparation for getting it cut. Now grey hair is not a new phenomenon for me as I have been beating it away with a dye stick since I was 16. However, it is boring, boring, boring having to think "what colour this time"?

I sometimes think I will get a really short crop and it would be all grey/white and that would be really cool. Then I wake up and realise I do not have the facial features (or body) of a model and I would just look like a 65 year old little fat woman. Hey, at least the fat plumps out the wrinkles (as Cecily said) but then my appearance would match the virtual age of my ovaries. Hmmm, I think I will still carry on feeling a "little bit country" with Cognac coloured hair. Just for a little bit longer anyway.

I have been like a whirling dervish of a domestic goddess this weekend. Well, after my usual Sunday morning ritual of course! I have mopped and Dysoned and Flashed my way round this ole house. What has brought on this unexpected burst of activity? It is a week to Mother's Day and although I have 2 brothers and attendant sister-in-laws, who is expected to entertain She Who Laboured Long and Hard to Give Birth to Such an Ungrateful Chit of a Child??? Yep, you guessed it. C'est moi!!

Cue frantic cleaning and beating of Persian rug and manic polishing. Now you may be thinking - Whoa, nelly! You have still a week to go. Ha! Naive reader! My maman taught Spiderman all about spidey sense and how to detect a cobweb in the most tucked-away corner in the house. She could make it an Olympic sport and the IOC would probably be cowed into submission by her. I am not the most devoted of cleaners at the best of times as I like to sit and watch Mr P do it. Yeah, I'm kinky like that. He pulls on those rubber gloves and oh baby!

*cough* I digress. However, even he usually lets the cobwebs flourish in peace. This is a busy week ahead and Mr P will not be available to assist with domestic duties as he has knobs to twiddle. His band has a gig on Thursday in the capital city so much twittering and practising is going on with the rest of the prog-rockers. Oh, the excitement! My Moog is bigger than your Moog, etc.

Friday, February 25, 2005

Trouble and strife

Is it bad to be gleeful about celebrities having marriage problems? First, the whole Brad and jen thing. Now Gwyneth and her hubby are supposed to having troubles. It just makes me laugh!!

Babies, loads of money, houses all around the world, staff obeying your every whim - it all makes no difference! See, they are just like you and me hahaha! Well, apart from the baby, loads of money, houses, staff, etc.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Let it snow

We got snow - yay!! And none of that pissant shit - a little flake at a time. It was definitely a blizzard by anybody's standards. Unfortunately, there was not quite enough of the cool white stuff to prevent going to work. C'est la vie! I am doing my snow dance for tonight in an effort to drum up more snow action. However, if it is as ineffective as the Ovaries dance to produce an egg, I will be waiting a long time, hmm? I love being off work on a snow day though it usually means no TV as the electricity goes off and I start worrying about the freezer and what would be on the TV that I would be missing. So, enough snow for no work but not too much that the juice stays on, deal?

BP this week - tick tick VG.


Yowza! The nurse said that was the same as her BP so fantastico! Though she was mid-50s. Still, a girl gotta take it wherever she can get it, right. My target is under 130/80 so let's keep it that way. Are you listening to me, body? Nope, as per usual!

My next appt is on March 7th with all my consultants so hopefully given the good BP, blood sugars and weight, I will get to start the procedure that dare not speak its name lest the goddesses become offended by the hubris!

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Mamma mia!

I have just returned from a delightful day at my mother's house. Well, delightful in the sense that I do not know if that woman really produced me from her loins. Maybe I was left in a basket at her door because I do not know what planet she is on most of the time.

She refuses to understand or empathise about my IF. I try talking about the IVF and my fears about non-response and it failing. I might as well be talking to the man in the moon. She thinks it is a sure-fire thing and I know that can be blamed on the media and its portrayal of IVF but ye gods! I am right there in front of her telling her and she does not take it in. It is so disappointing as she is my mother. How do I get through to her? I expect more from her.

I think the whole problem is that I married late, always said I did not want children and was focussed on career goals. I think she cannot get her head round the change in direction. Sometimes I can't either but I try. She is on her 3rd marriage, had 4 children in 6 years before the age of 24 and looks at me like I am an alien. I guess I must be.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Random musings from the treadmill..gasp..cough..

Will I get to start IVF this decade and is all this exercise really worth it??

Who buys all these crappy records being played on MTV?

Is that really Robin Givens in that Ice Cube video?

Why does Britney look like a skinny goddess in her latest video but absolute spotty fat trailer trash in real life (well, in the celebrity gossip rag mags)?

When did rap become "urban"?

Does anyone really still like George Michael?

Why is Celine Dion always playing on the Magic channel?

Who the frick keeps buying her godawful records?

Am I too old to lust after the singer from Franz Ferdinand?

Answers on a postcard, please!

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Love is all around...

Valentine's Day - exchanged cards with Mr P and he also had a bouquet of flowers delivered. What a sweetheart - so glad he's mine!

Appt with endocrinologist - HbA1c - 6.7 (v.g.), BP - 140/85 (not v.g), weight- cough!She doubled the dose of beta-blockers so it will be dozy-rama for me the next week or so. So don't go expecting any scintillating blogging from me. I will be doing my best to drag my butt to work and back without falling into a coma.

Hot date - me and Billy Blanks. He got me all sweaty and dripping and we consummated our mutual love with some really kick-ass dropkicks (yeah, i did my Tae Bo - on Valentine's Day even. Sheesh!)

Saturday, February 12, 2005

Tomatoes, love apples and infertility

Amyesq mentioned in comments on the gardening post earlier about a link between tomatoes and infertility? What is it about those little red or yellow love apples that join us in gardening fertility land?

Is it because we can lavish all our maternal feelings on them? We nurture them from seeds or plug plants, monitor their feeding, agonise over light and temperature in their beds and pretty much treat those plants like our babies.

I know I was absolutely distraught last summer as here in Scotland, the weather was awful. My poor tomato plants just seemed to stall as it was not warm enough. At the same time, I had endured 3 back-to-back injectible cycles where I could hardly produce even one decent follie whatever the dosage of Gonal-F and was officially labelled a "poor responder". Really? You think? The two events seemed inextricably linked in my mind and it did not matter a jot to me that eventually my tomato babies pulled through and were still fruiting in October. The summer had been lost. I could not even grow tomatoes so no wonder I was never going to have a baby. If tears could have been used as tomato fertilizer, I would have been drowning in tomatoes.

Uh-oh, phone rage. Please hold, caller!

A fertile myrtle friend of mine had not called me for a while. Relax, this is not going to be one of those "She's preggo" stories. No, it is worse than that. I call her and the phone call lasts for about an hour on my dime and all she goes on about is her 3 children (2, 10 and 15, all conceived one month off the Pill).

Now I am really deep in the closet about our infertility woes. There are only 2 of my friends that know we are going through this and this aforementioned friend is not one of them. The reason for the deep closet is that I cannot bear to hear cod sympathy expressed about me or Mr P. Right or wrong, that is the way it is. I can tell you all about my fave sexual position but I cannot bear anyone feeling sorry for me. Yeah, I'm a kook!

Anyhoo, this friend rants on for an hour about all her children-related woes and instead of me interrupting and ending the call, I give myself a cauliflower ear listening and occasionally interjecting with an "Uh-huh". The final straw came when she says "Bet you are glad you don't have any children". Well, that was it. I know she doesn't know (by my own choice) but does anyone with any sensitivity assume that people are childless by choice, particularly a woman in her late 30s? I know that I hesitate to ask any woman in her 30s if they are thinking of having kids as I detest someone saying it to me!Ugh, makes me think it is going to be a while before I call her again.

I have known her a long time (over 17 years) but sometimes I wonder why we keep it up. The older I get, the more aware I become of my true friends and the not-so -true friends. Sometimes they are just a habit you don't quit. I guess you need some friends for different functions hmm?

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Gardening tips for February

Some suggestions on what to do this month:

Cut back vigorous climbers, such as ivy, climbing hydrangea and the larger honeysuckles, from roof-line and gutters. Leave a jagged, natural-looking profile
Cut down clumps of the little daisy Erigeron karvinskianus growing in walls and paving cracks for a fresh start in spring
If your permanent container plants such as box, bay, conifers and maples are getting out-of-scale and pot-bound, find some suitable places to plant them out in the ground now and replace them in the spring
Lift, divide and replant winter aconites and snowdrops when they have finished flowering but are still in leaf
Cut down the stems of autumn-fruiting raspberries to ground level
To force an early crop of fruits, cover a few strawberry plants with cloches
Prune indoor climbers, including plumbagos and passion flowers.

My commiserations if you can't see your soil for snow or the ground is so hard you can't even insert a fork! Work on those indoor plants instead. Have fun burning calories outside or in!

Cinnamon Girl

I love my job but there are 2 separate times of the week that make me feel like a kid again at the start of the holidays: Friday night and Sunday morning. Friday night because the whole weekend stretches before me and its full of possibilities and Sunday morning with its lazy reading of the papers and the endless cups of tea in bed. Mr P makes the tea and porridge and I lounge in my jammies like some female pasha.

I am rejoicing in the fact that here in the frozen North, each day it is becoming lighter in the morning. Today I have opened the blind and from my bed, I can see the trees outside, the lilac bushes still bare but starting to sprout little buds and the first sign of spring in the form of 3 red-breasted robins bustling about as if they have heard some silent call to get up and get moving. Of course, I am ignoring this call as the only place I want to be is propped up on my continental square pillows, drinking tea and reflecting on my world within my bedroom.

The rest of my house may be cluttered with books and CDs and the general detritus of modern living but my bedroom is my sanctuary against the world, my temple of calm and my safe place. I am not really a girly-girl but here the bedding is all-white bar the blue and white patchwork quilt, the walls and floor are neutral yet warm and the all-pervading scent is cinnamon Home Sweet Home courtesy of Yankee Candle. Of course, the nightstands are piled high with books but on my side also lies the glucose testing meter, phone, filofax and always an empty old-fashioned blue and white floral teacup.

I could stay here forever and be cocooned in cozy warmth underneath the duvet but alas, Sunday morning leads to the afternoon and at this time of year, weather permitting, the garden calls. I may have ignored the robins earlier but the sun is shining, weeds are growing and the Great Springtime Tidy-up has commenced. All the leaves not collected in the autumn are still hanging about, flowerbeds need preparation for the coming summer and the greenhouse needs cleaning and repaired after winter. Mind you, this all takes place over the next month or so but a little at a time when the weather is fair is a lot easier to handle than in one big go. We have had very little snow or frost so far this year so the snowdrops, daffies, crocus, bluebells and primulas are all well advanced. They are all pretty hardy little souls so if we do get an icy blast (and lets face it, it is only early Feb), they will cope regardless. They may get knocked back a bit but they will recover. Kinda like me.

Friday, February 04, 2005

Sometimes you Americans crack me up!

Thanks to EOnline, I now know that one of the adverts being shown during the Superbowl is for Cialis. I am incredulous with laughter. Janet J can't show a boob "accidentally" but they can advertise a product for erectile dysfunction.

First of all, I didn't realise it was a real product as I just thought it was a load of Internet spam. The huge hoo-ha about Janet showing something half the population of the US possess but the networks can advertise that drug for men as it shows soft-focus couples being lovey-dovey! Hypocrites! I guess the trouble with Janet was that she was not advertsing anything other than nipple rings! Maybe they think she paved the way or something.

Disclaimer: I am not against boobs, nipple rings or men with problems in that area - just against corporate whoredom.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Bloggus Interruptus

See what I meant about commitment? Already I missed one night but I have a note from my mummy, honest! Nah, real life gets in the way and I cannot blog from work as a) too busy b) terrified my boss would call me in to her office and ask me why my proto-swearing had caught on some e-mail filter and what does IVF mean? and c) we are HR professionals and expected to conduct ourselves like the professional ladies we are - snort! I reserve the right to let rip with some real profanity and anger and some might be about work so it's better to be safe than sorry. Nothing is private on our network though how the adolescent male yahoos in my Dept continue to be able to access porn sites and I then have to deal with their disciplinary issues - ack!

What did I do last night? Cooked, threw laundry, exercised, watched TV. You know, the usual! I am always agog at Celebrity Fit Club and I have to watch. I am always transfixed by the beach balls that Kym Mazelle has stuffed in her tracksuit top. I am really concerned that those puppies are going to burst or make a break for the border with Harvey the Marine chasing behind and bellowing haha! I have a constant battle with weight loss and I just love to see oh-so-minor celebrities do that too! Of course, anyone not from the UK will not have a scooby what I am wittering on about. Believe me, it is fab and you do not know what you are missing.

I followed that intellectual slice of TV with the new series of CSI Vegas (Grissom rules!) and then CSI Miami had the crossover episode which introduced CSI NY. Phew! My eyes were red and worn out. So you see, dear Reader, my dance card was full!

Now I am not really a complete TV head. I just like particular programmes - ER, CSI, West Wing, Seinfeld, some British stuff. I read voraciously although I have had to utilise my local library for reading material lately. I could afford to buy all the books I want but I cannot afford the size of house that would entail! I gave Mr P the warning that no more books or bookshelves could be shoe-horned in. For crying out loud, we already have 3 bedrooms and there are only 2 of us. I am sure he is still smuggling them in, though! You might suggest giving some books away but we will not have any of that talk round here. A book is for life, not just for Xmas.

I will end today's epistle by announcing that Mr P and I are officially free of disease (HIV, Hepatitis B and C). I was a bit worried given my wild twenties but the IVF co-ordinator finally managed to get the letter in the post. Since Dec 2004, the HFEA has decided that you cannot freeze embryos, eggs or sperm unless you have been screened for the above. If the results had not been negative, my hospital would not have let us go ahead with the IVF as they do not have the facilities to deal with the issues that would arise. I am still not sure what that meant but I am thankful another hurdle has been jumped. I still have a few more hurdles to go before I even get to start down-regging as I am diabetic and hypertensive. My HbA1c is thankfully stable at the moment but my BP is not. My endocrinologist has been tweaking my meds and hopefully I will get the go-ahead this month. I have learnt not to count my chickens as I have now been waiting almost a year to start the IVF. Either my blood sugar goes haywire or my BP is off the chart and let's not mention the weight.

One last thing - if Donald Trump's latest wedding cost $4 million, why didn't he donate it to the tsunami appeal and give a backhander straight to his divorce lawyer?