PCOS - check. Infertility - check. IVF - check. 43 years young - check. Sick of babydust - fricking double check. Join a Scottish infertile as she slowly swirls down the plughole. Now with added donor egg flava.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Auld Lang Syne

Happy New Year to all my blogger chums. Let's hope 2006 is a better year for some of us.

I did not mean to keep you all hanging on the Xmas debacle. It was not that exciting - just the usual clash of culture between infertile and Xmas. The infertile never wins!

Xmas morning was a huge meltdown of tears, wailing and the usual histrionics. It all started off so well with the carols on TV, the stockings bulging and goodwill to all women. Mr P tried his best but unfortunately the damage had been done the night before.

It was all the fault of an innocent 2 year-old on Xmas Eve, the youngest son of a friend. He had his new Xmas jim-jams, the ritual of the carrots for Rudolph, the search out of the window for Santa on his sleigh. He was so adorable and my heart just shattered into smithereens. The reality of another barren festival was upon me and I did not react with grace. I did manage to hold myself together and delay it until the next day, only to heap it all upon Mr P's unfailing broad shoulders and ruin his Xmas Day.

Eventually I pulled myself together and we had the traditional turkey etc. We passed Xmas Day watching The Big Sleep and Singing in the Rain. Gawd alone knows I needed some of Gene Kelly's magic to keep me going.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Part 3...You still here????

Just some more photos from Prague. I will move onto my Xmas debacle once these have been posted. Merry Xmas, Hannukah, solstice, whatever to you all. I hope you survived.

The temps were freezing so it was a good excuse for anything, grog (rum, vodka and some other unidentified liquid eek!), hot dough curls (of which the Czech name escaped me).
The dough had caramel and nuts in it and when you first pick it up, it is HOT!

These stalls always had a giant queue at them so I figured it was worth a try. It seemed to me that everything sold in the way of foodstuffs either was loaded with sugar or alcohol or both! What a country!

This is the Xmas market in Wenceslas Square which is not a square. More of a boulevard. Once used for demonstrations against the Communists and now the centre of capitalism in the shape of Marks and Spencer and Debenhams. Just like home!

Dusk on Wenceslas Square I am having real difficulties with photos on Blogger but I am sure you can get a flavour of the city. Depite the near-constant darkness, it was fabulous as per usual. It made it gezellig, as the Dutch would say.

You can click on the photos to get an even bigger, more fuzzy image haha! I am as good a photographer as I am a breeder.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Czeched In...Grogged Out Part 2

I am feeling lousy with a stinking cold, I have just thrown the decorations over the tree with no regard for pretty order and I am so bah humbug you would not believe it. Nothing new here then, hmm?

BUT I promised you pics and stories from Prague and I am not a welcher!

First up, the hotel. It was delicious. 5 minutes from the Powder Tower and Old Town Square. Art nouveau facade with 21st century hotel behind it. Attentive service, breakfast buffet included in price with champagne and choc cake on the menu for breakfast. Man, no wonder my blood sugar was all to pot!

Bloody Blogger is really playing up and I have already lost 2 alternative versions of this post so I will post this. More later!

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Czeched in....Grogged out

I am back! No surprise there then. And I am grumpy!! Ditto about the non-surprise.

I hate coming back to work after a little holiday. Mr P thoughtfully reminded me that I am an ungrateful bitch as we have had 4 trips this year already. But it doesn't help.

He also pointed out its only 11 days to Xmas and I get another 4 days off then and then another 4 days at New Year. And I say to him....Your point is????

Sometimes he is too saintly for words and I just want to punch him. How can someone be in a good mood perpetually the way he is??? It is dark, people, eternally dark. Dark when I have to get up in the morning and dark halfway through the afternoon. Whine, whine.

I think I am coming down from my holiday sugar rush as the apple strudelfest and hot wine (svarak) dissipate from my system. I did my best last night to compensate with a tube of Smarties and an episode of Threshold but it was not the same.

Pics of Prague and some stories to follow once I leave the pit of grumpiness.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Trials and Tribulations

Is it wrong to watch as your phone rings and dsplays the Caller ID of your mother and ignore it??? In my defence, Rome was on TV at the time and then quickly followed by Lost. Oh, I don't care. Good TV trumps my mother every time.

Is it wrong to want to bomb the hairstylists place of work after you say "Trim the ends only-I have been growing it since the summer". She hears "Blah blah blah trim the whole fucking lot that has grown since the summer blah blah blah"!!!

Cue much wailing and crying from me and helpless patting and shoulder-shrugging from Mr P who does not really understand the whole woman-hair-self esteem dynamic thing and just wants to hide away in his studio for some blessed peace and quiet away from the wailing????

Fat chance, mister! You made those vows solemnly and its time to pay the piper. What do you mean you thought it just meant sex on tap (ha!), cooked meals and and a supply of clean underwear? Snort!

Is it wrong to shout at the nurse at the clinic who has just told you that they have lost some of your donor's screening blood tests and this will mean that due to the holiday closedown, the full results will not be available until the beginning of January?? I thought not. In fact, I think shouting is very restrained under the circumstances. See hairstylist's fate above!

I could go on but this week has tried the limits of my sanity beyond safety. I am now going to pack for Prague as we leave tomorrow. I am not going to pack the bad karma fairy. Mr P might have some clean underwear for his trip, if he is very, very lucky. Catch up next week!!

Friday, December 02, 2005

Wherever you take the weather with you

It is barely daylight here today. The temperature is 48 degrees or 8 degrees if you like your weather in Celsius. Uggh. 24 days till Xmas. My cold and dark corner of Scotland feels very bleak right now.

I look at Liana's pics of South Africa and long for some sunshine. Or even some particularly vicious snow. Anything other than this unrelenting damp gloom! Go and visit her and give her some IF love as she is at the transfer stage in her DE cycle. So thrilling!

Our second counselling interview went very well yesterday. My donor was a little bit more relaxed about the talking and the probing of feelings. She is not really that kind of person normally. Whereas I would talk the hind and front legs off of a donkey, given half a chance.

We discussed lots of issues regarding our openness about the donor treatment with our respective and shared families. We are committed to being completely open with them regarding her gift. Of course, that will not be until there is actually something concrete to tell. Probably after the birth!! I will not believe it until then.

There is always lots of talk about adoption in the blogoshere and my take on it is that it should be a part of the child's life experience right from the start. I am not presuming that this is what everyone should do. It is my opinion. However, I feel the same way about donor egg treatment too. It is even more relevant in that we will be a blended family, with my family, Mr P's family and the donor's family.

I know it is different if you use an anonymous donor outwith the UK as there is no way that the child will be able to trace the donor/biological mother. If your feelings are that you do not ever want to tell the child, I would respect your decision. My own decision is to be completely open.

Here in the UK, no donor is anonymous now. The law changed in April 2005 and any child from donor treatment from that date can access the information from the HFEA at the age of 18, much in the same way as accessing adoption records now. I definitely know that even if we did use an anon. donor here in the UK, I would not want to drop the bombshell at 18.

Lots of issues are mulling about in my brain so bear with me as I continue to process them. This is the whole point of the counselling. It is not to make us jump through hoops although it is mandatory. It is about confronting issues that may have not been considered.

I came out of the room after 2 hours and felt as if I had been wrung out and left to dry. In a good way though.

The 3rd and final session will be just me and Mr P. My taciturn Scottish man is going to love it (not!) My donor is finished with the counselling at the moment. If she felt that there was anything else she wished to explore, the option is there for further sessions.

Oh, and guess what? The next session is in another 3 weeks. Yippee...more waiting. Us infertiles just love that!!!

In order to salve the waiting and the boredom, I of course went shopping. Oro, you missed me as I was up your way on Wednesday. To celebrate the fact that I have completely finished my Xmas shopping (no mean feat - 10 children to buy pressies for and the rest of the adults), I made some purchases. The stocking is for me as I love pompoms.

Oh, and by the way, the counsellor had some lovely boots on this time. Thank goodness, she redeemed herself in the footwear dept! Phew!