PCOS - check. Infertility - check. IVF - check. 43 years young - check. Sick of babydust - fricking double check. Join a Scottish infertile as she slowly swirls down the plughole. Now with added donor egg flava.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Optimistic Voices Redux

Re-reading my last post is making me cry. I know that there was sorrow and pain ahead for my Mum but she also did not know the joy and happiness that was ahead too. I did not mean for my post to be so gloomy.

See? That is why I have been absent from blogging, as it is hard not to be maudlin and sad via the written word.

Life is full of joy and pain and sometimes it seems like it is all pain. Certainly, the last few years have seemed like that for me but if you knew me in real life, I am not in tears and depressed every moment of every day. There are whole days where there is nothing but smiles, other days are dark with tears. I am being gentle with myself.

There is good news all around me, in my life.

I passed my driving test practical this week and today I had my first solo drive to get the Sunday papers (5 miles on my own! It was so quiet without Mr P that I had to put the radio on haha).

I got the all-clear a few weeks ago after my very 1st mammogram.

I have a secure job which gives me great personal satisfaction, even though it feels like I live in Glasgow at the moment as I am there so much during the week.

Mr P and I have booked to fly to San Francisco in the summer to visit the lovely Millie and hopefully meet up with Amy and the twins. Sorry Janie! Yet another year where I do not make it to NJ!

I could go on and on but you get my point. Spring is coming and the return of the light.

Thank you for all your kind thoughts.

PS Thalia, my mum was 18 when I was born and now I am thinking that the pic must have been taken in 1969 by the look of my brother there. I think I was 4.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Optimistic Voices

Twice this week, I have had to tell someone that my mum died suddenly and no, it was not the breast cancer but other metastasised tumours and yes, it was a terrible shock and no, she did not know at the end and yes, thank goodness it was quick. I know it has only been 3 months but at times it feels like 3 seconds and yet at other times, 3 years.

How can the map of my world be re-drawn so quickly? I don't know where I am.

I am trying to have an optimistic voice, like Dorothy, but it is so hard. This reminds me so much of Mum as we loved the Wizard of Oz and watched it so many times together.

I changed the profile photo from Miss Pops to an old photo from 1968 of me, my mum and my middle brother. She looks so young but that is because she was only 19.

It is one of my favourite photos but there are very few of us all together in those days as we did not own a camera. In 1968, Mum had not yet lost my baby sister at birth and had not had my youngest brother. She did not know what was ahead of her.

Actually, it is a blessing that none of us do.

You're out of the woods, you're out of the dark, you're out of the night;
Step into the sun, step into the light.