PCOS - check. Infertility - check. IVF - check. 43 years young - check. Sick of babydust - fricking double check. Join a Scottish infertile as she slowly swirls down the plughole. Now with added donor egg flava.

Friday, November 24, 2006

I Feel The Earth M-o-o-o--o-ve Under My Feet

There is a packet of M&S Dutch chocolate shortcake giving me the glad-eye from the other side of my office. Help!!!

I have upped my chromium dosage in order to counteract the sugar cravings but it takes a while to work and in the meanwhile, the biscuits are stalking me. Not to mention the box of Milk Tray chocolates that the next-door neighbour handed in after Mr P sorted out her laptop.

It is 18 days since I started the fluox*etine (generic Proz*c) 20 mg per day. The first week or so, it was acting as a sleeping pill for me as it was making me so drowsy. On my GP's instructions, I was taking the dose last thing at night. She said that this would minimise the side effects. Ha!

The effects?? Aha, drowsiness, inability to remember my own name, very strange bowel things (and I am used to those after 6 years on metformin!), excessive yawning, grinding my teeth at night and generally feeling like a floating balloon.

These were all making themselves felt day and night. Apart from the teeth thing. But as it meant that I was giving myself mouth ulcers where my teeth were catching the inside of my mouth, it was not really restricted to only a night-time problem.

Initially I felt nauseous and so tired that I did not want to eat but that has now passed and I refer you back to the first paragraph of this entry.

However, you may think that it is not worth it as I have had all these problems. Well, yes and no.

I would not say that I am happy as larry and yippee-skippying about the place but I do notice a general improvement in my mood. For example, I have stopped wailing and sobbing every day at the slightest provocation. This is a huge step forward for me as it was getting to the stage where it was constant and it was really starting to frighten me. I am a crier normally but this was not normal crying at adverts.

In fact, the only thing I have cried at in the last 18 days was when Jimmy Smits reappeared in NYPD Blue from beyond the grave to counsel Sipowicz when he was having a hard time. Come on, that would bring a tear to a statue's eye (well, a statue who was a dyed in the wool NYPD Blue fan, maybe).

No?? Okay, so it was just me. Pfft.

Another thing I have noticed is that I pay a lot less attention to babies and children when I encounter them. It is like I see them but I don't care. Almost like being back in the pre-infertile days. Ditto with the pregnant women. My eye just seems to skip over them. Again another giant step forward for me. For this alone, the little green pill is worth it to me. Long may it last.

I have been worrying about the whole libido thing and the mythical loss of org*sm but I am keeping a close eye on that and so far, so good, the earth is still moving ;)

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Where is Mystic Meg??? Updated for anyone not currently residing in my curdled mind

My Libra horoscope one day this week said:

Marvin the Paranoid Android brightened many a Douglas Adams book with his infectious brand of negativity. The tales would not have been as enjoyable without him but we must remember he was a figure of fun, not a role model for the masses!

A part of you is in 'retreat'. You want something badly. You have wanted it for a while. You don't think you will ever get it. So you have become cheerfully pessimistic. Watch, now that this doesn't stop you from seizing a very real opportunity.

And also for every single star sign, the tag line ran: there is magic in store between now and the December full moon. Really, magic in December for everyone? Who would have thunk it???

I don't think the happy pills have cured me of being a mentalist* yet, do you???

“Whoooo...oggy oggy oggy!”
“Oi oi oi! Alright Oggy?”
“Keano here, on speakerphone.”
“You on speakerphone?”
“Tits! Who heard that?”
“Everyone, you mentalist. Shut up. What do you want?”
“You coming down Chasers tonight for Gobbler’s birthday?”
“Yeah, definitely. Jimmy the perv coming?”
“Yeah yeah.”
“What about Fishfingers?”
“Oh Fishfingers can’t come cos Susan caught him getting off with whatsherface, with the norks.”
”Oh, that is mental. I’ll see you later then.”

Gareth and Oggy (Series 2, Episode 6, The Office)

Monday, November 13, 2006

Psst! Wanna Do A Little Leaf-Peeping???

Whilst I wait for the good effects of the AD's to start kicking in, please entertain yourself with some pics from my garden on Sunday. Hopefully normal service will be resumed sometime this decade.

Monday, November 06, 2006

In Every Dream Home, A Heartache

You know there is definitely something to this global warming malarkey when we are still having to mow the lawns and my weigela shrubs are still in flower in NOVEMBER, for the 2nd time since summer!!!! In SCOTLAND.

It makes me run around the house turning off all lights and unplugging electrical gadgets in a frenzy. If we all do it then maybe we are not all doomed.

I know I have been suffering from bloggers block. Lots of bloggers have been doing the post every day in November and I am going the opposite way...NoBloNo hehe.

Nothing much going on with me, other than feeling like crap and contemplating the real taking of the Proz*c. I think its time may have come.

There has been lots of discussion about the way forward and a return to Cape Town. However, another monkey wrench has been thrown in the works by my finding out my latest TSH bloodwork had come back at 4.68. No-one contacted me to tell me this as it is just below the normal UK medical upper range of 5.0. However, as any good infertile can recite by rote, that level is way too high for optimal TTC. No wonder those 3 embryos were doomed.

By my research findings, I have diagnosed myself as being hypothyroid. I am certainly exhibiting all the symptoms. Hair loss, exhaustion, dry itchy skin, weight gain, feeling cold, numbness in hands and lets not forget the trifecta of infertility, depression and irregular periods.

This has thrown me for a complete loop and is leading me down the path of considering throwing in the towel with DE treatment. The more I read about anti-thyroid antibodies and their role in the body's immune response makes me think I should just quit and stop throwing good money after bad.

The trouble with the UK is that the only people on the cutting edge of immune treatments are a long, long way away. It seems like another insurmountable obstacle to me. I am too weary for this any more.

After procrastinating for weeks about this, I have a GP appointment tomorrow to discuss it but I know the response will be a referral to my endocrinologist, months in the future. Hence my feeling that enough is enough. How many red flags do I need to convince me that a pregnancy is never going to happen? The PCOS, the type 2 diabetes, premature ovarian failure and now thyroid problems?

The message from my beleaguered body is becoming deafening. I know I am probably over-reacting but I feel as if I have hit the wall.