PCOS - check. Infertility - check. IVF - check. 43 years young - check. Sick of babydust - fricking double check. Join a Scottish infertile as she slowly swirls down the plughole. Now with added donor egg flava.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Bloody Blogger

I have finally changed over to this newfangled Google account thingymajig. I caved under the pressure. I am not good with change, especially with techy things. Mr P is the man for that. It just makes me grumpy. Grrr.

Good lord, I have just noticed that you can put a photo on your profile! Could you do that before? Shriek, the horror.

Anyhoo, what was I saying before Blogger intimidated me??

Ah yes, I was just thinking that things are pretty boring round here at the mo. I guess an IF blog with no immediate plans for cycling will be like that. I guess it is back to the gardening, weather and teevee topics again. Wow, I am so excited at the prospect that I think I am going to pee my pants.

No, wait. That is just my age. Ahem. Have you noticed that once you get past 40, you lose a certain amount of control over your nether regions. Ahem.

I have to say in my own defense that a sneeze means your body loses all control over every muscle in your body for a split second. Just long enough for the flood gates to open, in my case. I do not even have the excuse that my nether regions have been ravaged by childbirth. Who mentioned the Panama canal????

Anyhoo again, what is with all the ugly dresses at the Oscars?

Kirsten "I smell of pee" Dunst in a Vegas paedophile version of a confirmation dress, Jennifer Hudson in that dreary brown number after so many fab frocks at other award shows, J Lo in another boring dress with what looked like fake gems around the neck (did Marc pick it????) and Beyonce??? What was she thinking? I refuse to believe that was an Armani dress she was wearing. Surely not!!! She kept saying it was a mint colour and I kept yelling "It is eau de nil, aaargh!!". Just ugh. And I reserve the worst dress award for Gwyneth. Has she sacked her stylist?

I do hope that Naomi Watts was ready to be outed as a preggers lady by the designers of her frankly ugly frock too. And I could see Nicole gnashing her teeth right by her side. Maybe that was what the ginormous bow on her shoulder was for? To sink her teeth into when it all became too much for her to bear?

I certainly cannot complain about not being entertained. Of course, I was conducting my fair and well-balanced fashion critique from the depths of my sofa, resplendent in jimjams, fleece and my perennial faves which never go out of fashion, the bunny slippers. Gorgeous!!!

Sunday, February 11, 2007

I Never Promised You A Rose Garden......

....but I shall have one soon.

My garden is unusual in that there are currently no roses in it. Who knows why? I have gardened here and lived in this house for over 7 years and I have planted loads of other things but no roses.

Today I took myself to the garden centre and bought 4. Just a start but I still have garden vouchers to spend. There will be more. But today I picked some beauties to start off with. The garden is bleak right now, apart from the mahonia and the snowdrops and the winter flowering jasmine.

These roses have a promise to fulfil.

Even better, these normally expensive roses were half-price so I got a bargain. Love it. To celebrate, we then took ourselves off for brunch at our favourite place. I had my beloved smokie scrambled eggs with wholemeal toast, followed by a cinnamon and apple scone and a latte. It has never stopped raining all day but frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

I have lots of wispy, half-formed blog posts floating about in my noggin but struggling hard to find the time. Work and life are conspiring against me but I am doing good, don't worry. The 1st of February passed without incident, otherwise known as the due date.

I considered taking the day off but then I thought "What for???. To sit at home and mither and weep??? The buggery hell I will. I did enough of that shit last year. No more!!!".

The internal pep talk worked and it was a normal day. I allowed myself to think about it briefly whilst I had my latte and sarnies at lunch but otherwise, I did not let myself dwell. I have had enough of that. It is in the past...finished.

I will never forget but I cannot let myself remember. The anger and bitterness and sorrow almost consumed me but I am still here. I still breathe, I still laugh, I still smile. There are no visible scars.

I see a family with young toddlers and I force myself to think "What a lovely family".

I see a pregnant woman and I force myself to think "How exciting for her".

I force myself to substitute sweet thoughts for the ugly ones. At times, it does not come easily and I want to let the jealousy and bitterness flood through me like a river of bile. But I do not let it. The only person it hurts is me, myself and I.

When I let the bile out of the cage, it reinforces my self-loathing and it is just a vicious spiral from there. Instead I am going to nurture my roses and smile at the world. It makes it a healthier, better place for me to be.

Sometimes I am not even pretending to smile. It is a real one, with teeth and everything.

Friday, February 09, 2007

What A Shame I Have Forgotten How To Knit!!!

This totally tickled me!

Come on ladies! Get your pins out.

And in another body-part-related story, what is wrong with that woman in Florida??? It could be worse, you know. There are far more explicit words than the factual name.