A Toast to You All

Happy Blogiversary to me!!!

One year ago today, I inaugurated this blog. Guess what I was doing? Waiting to start IVF. At that point, I had already been waiting for about 7 months and I did not know then in January that I would wait until March to start down-regulating. Of course, things have gone tits up ever since. It is just as well that you cannot see what is in front of you.

I know that a lot of our paths have diverged in the past year. Some are awaiting the birth of the longed-for child/children, some are wending the intricate windy path of adoption, some are adjusting to a child-free life and some, like me, are trying to follow a different path with DE. None of us has ever had it easy.

There have been times in the last year that I did not know how to go on and one of you would extend the hand of sisterhood in a comment or an e-mail that would make a tiny and yet huge difference in how I felt. The sharing of stories and pain and loss and humour and shoes and Morrissey have kept me buoyed like a lifejacket.

Without you all, my friends, I would surely have sunk like a stone. Here's to another year.

An A - Z of Meme

To interrupt our normal scheduled programme of whining, I present this ganked from Oro.

A - Accent: Scottish. Och aye the noo!!

B - Breakfast Item: Porridge, of course!!

C - Chore you hate: Cleaning the bathroom so I make Mr P do it!

D - Dad's Name: Ian

E - Essential everyday item: Contact lenses/glasses as blind as the proverbial bat.

F - Flavour ice cream: Phish Food

G - Gold or Silver?: Gold

H - Happy Place: Under my duvet with a book

I - Insomnia: No

J - Job-Love or Want to Leave: Love

K - Kids: We're fracking working on that!

L - Living arrangements: Happily Married

M - Mom's birthplace: Umm, not sure. I think she was born at home

N - Number of lovers you've had: Too many. I was a generous slut.

O - Overnight hospital stays: None

P - Phobia: None

Q - Question: How you doing??

R - Religious Affiliation: None

S - Siblings: Two living, one deceased and one half

T - Time you wake up: 7.20 to Radio 2

U - Unnatural hair colors you've had: All the time as natural is now grey/brown hybrid

V - Vegetable you refuse to eat: None. I love my veggies

W - Worst habit: Whining and moaning

X - X-rays you've had: Dental

Y - Yummy: My home-made soup

Z - Zodiac sign: Libra

Hypothetical Question

If you are 40 and know your friend at the other end of the country is going through IVF and infertility treatments for years and although you have not discussed it directly, no good news has been forthcoming for those long sad years on the baby front.....well, then, would you send the 2ND birth announcement in 18 months out of the blue, without even a warning shot in the Xmas card the month before your second child in 18 months is born????

Particularly when you did this 18 months ago on the first time round...just a birth announcement as a surprise in the post?

With this one, added cutesie photos of 18 month old and 1 week old together in their first meeting? And, just to add a kicker for added twisting of knife, the birth date of the 1 week old was on my own husband's birthday???

Would you????

Aaargh! Just fracking shoot me now!!!!!

How To Kick a Girl When She's Down

I cannot believe this!!!!

Noooooooooo! How can I go on??? My TV addiction will never be the same again.

Nice Work If You Can get It.....

Or not, as the rejection letter told me today.

Oh well, look on the bright side. I already have a job, which is more than a lot of other people can say. I knew I was not being offered the post I interviewed for as they promised they would call the successful applicant. No phone call = no job offer.

I was told this week that I am being redeployed back to Learning & Development, the field I was in before I made the move to HR. I hate to go backwards but again the location is right, the money and perks are fab and I am not unhappy about it.

The one thing about dealing with IF hell is that you don't sweat the small stuff, like jobs, anymore.

A Fantastic Article about Donor Egg Treatment Abroad

I was thrilled to read this article, albeit a little late, as it was published on Sunday!

A lot of great info about Spanish clinics in particular.

Mind Boggleth

Do you think this guy took Vit E to boost his count??

I don't think Guinn*ss had been invented then.

And if you are a male New Yorker, you seem to have hit the genetic jackpot.

Pass the Cheese. I've been Grilled.

To paraphrase Wessel, oy vey!!!

Thursday afternoon was final, yes...finally, the final counselling session. I am so glad to be able to say that although my feelings completely changed about it since November. Although I initially resented the nit-picking and the hypothetical qustions, I grew to quite like it, nay, even enjoy it. It was a safe place to talk about all the fears I had about donor egg treatment and not feel stupid.

Of course, this last session was the only one where Mr P had to participate. He was not looking forward to it, I can tell you. He is Scottish after all and Gawd love him, he is not the most eloquent of men. Throw feelings and emotions into the mix and ask him to talk about them and watch as his inner Scotsman wrestles with his fear of the repercussions later from me!

Suffice to say, he did rise to the occasion although there were a few times where it looked like he was about to burst from holding in his inner sardonic cynic. We made it through together. Just like always.

Next thing...Friday morning job interview. 9am.

Let me tell you, I am not a morning person. I also do not drink coffee, although I was tempted to this Friday in an effort to perk me up. Now I had already stayed up to midnight this week watching the season finale of Lost. Throw in a couple of sleepless nights tossing and turning due to counselling and job interview and I really felt like a zombie. Not the best way to come over with a new employer.

Now you are probably thinking what's the dealio? Just a job interview? Nothing to it. Well, that may be so. Let me just say that I have worked for the same employer for the last 18 years and apart from reviews and such, I have not had an inteview with another employer all that time!

What can I tell you? I was happy for 18 years. They kept promoting me internally and paying me more money without any pesky interviews and everybody was copacetic. I never needed to change the status quo.

The interview went. That's all I know. It went. It is really hard to be objective about these things. They smiled and laughed and things seemed fine. Who knows? Maybe I impressed them. Maybe not.

My nose did start running halfway through and I had to adjourn for a blow into my handkerchief but other than that, no major disasters. I will find out Wed/Thursday. Cross your crossables!

Keep It Coming!!!

More good news today.

My donor has been given the all-clear for the Cystic Fibrosis carrier gene and all her 29 genetic markers are normal!!!

Woot! A tiny step forward. Just the HIV, Hepatitis and CMV (cytomegalovirus) tests to come from virology and we can get the go-ahead.

My tests were already negative for CMV, HIV, etc.

Hurry up you lab rats!!!!

A few peeps have asked about how to see donor profiles. You need to contact the agency via e-mail. On their reply, you will have to give some info about yourself (names, ages, reason for donor treatment, types of donor needed) and they will then e-mail a password for access to short profiles with photos. Some other agencies charge for this info but this one does not. It is Plan B for me at the moment so I have not pursued it any further yet.

I have to say I was completely bowled over by the amount of donors available, their different races and nationalities and the comprehensive info that was given regarding their education, hobbies and also whether they were already a proven donor.

If you are thinking of donor egg treatment, this agency certainly seems a good place to start if you want a lovely holiday to South Africa thrown in for a great price. Millie and Liana can certainly vouch first-hand about that!

Keep on Moving

Oh, the donors. I received the details and the tears were flowing, I can tell you. Such beautiful hearts and souls. Yes, they receive a fee but I do not believe it is the main reason donors do this. Of course, I already like the look of one particular brown-haired girl but I am only window-shopping at the moment.

My Libran horoscope this week is:

There are times when you can be a bit guarded about your genuine aims and ambitions - either because you fear failure or don't want to be seen as too driven or go-getting. But now, with the approaching Full Moon signalling a professional watershed, you will have to come clean about what it is you really want from the next 5 or so years. But don't go off at a tangent - there is too much at stake to waste time or energy on red herrings.

That first sentence is me to a T! And I am at a professional watershed in that I have decided I want a new career.

I have an interview on Friday which looks very promising. It means I am back in my old university city for work, rather than the backwater at present. However, before you shout "Brava", the decision to change careers has been rather forced upon me by my Dept relocating to another Scottish backwater, which I have no desire or ability to relocate to. I certainly am not willing to up sticks and force Mr P to do the same. I know I like to travel but that is different. So we shall see.

This week is shaping up to be exciting...counselling, job interview, ER back on the telly. To infinity and beyond, eh?

Keeping My Options Open

I e-mailed R*new in South Africa for further info on their donor egg programme.

"Why?" you may ask.

I do not really know why, truth be told. My donor is still in place, our final counselling session for myself and Mr P is next week and we are still going forward. However, my clinic is dragging their heels. I don't know if they just have a huge amount of IVFers coming through in the next few months or what but I just cannot pin them down to a definite starting month.

Needless to say, this is driving me crazy!!! I never seem to be going forward. Movement is just an illusion. So to create the illusion of further momentum, I e-mailed Rob*n at R*new.

You know, just to keep my options open.

On different corners of the world, lets all send huge good fertilisation vibes & thoughts to Millie as her donor had her retrieval today in SA and 7 eggs were retrieved. Go eggs!!!

Also lining vibes to Wessel as she prepares for her journey for her FET. Go lining...come on!!!

Time of Your Life

CD1 is here again.

I was just posting over at Manuela's place when I felt the cramps. Of course Hope had been squatting like a troll for a few days saying "Just because they could not find one decent egg during 2 IVFs does not mean that you could not just pop one out on your own. You never know - stranger things have happened!! This was only a 54 day cycle, not 84 days. That means something huh huh???"

Yeah, bitch. That means I am one more cycle nearer to menopause.

I have gagged her with a K*tex and bundled her back into the locked wardrobe, where she belongs.

Now. Where did I put the last of that festive season shortbread???

Hey, Pop-Pickers!

Just before I finally shake all the miserable dust of 2005 from my bunny slippers, I would like to recap on the beautiful music, books and cinema that have nourished my soul and kept me half-afloat throughout all the IVF nightmares and assorted crises of 2005.

Kate Bush

Arcade Fire

Kaiser Chiefs

Magic Numbers

Rufus Wainwright

Batman Begins

Sin City

Crash

Harry Potter

Melinda and Melinda

No Direction Home

The Kite Runner

The Lincoln Lawyer

Sophie's Bakery for the Broken-hearted or Good Grief (in the US)

Never Let Me Go

Eleanor Rigby A Novel

A Wedding in December

Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell

Stories We Could Tell

Thank you, thank you as I do not know what I would do without your beautiful words and music. Of course, I continue also to hang onto all the old faves too. I salute you Morrissey, Leonard Cohen, Van Morrison, Bette Davis, Gene Kelly, Humphrey Bogart and too many more to mention!

May 2006 bring me more treasures and treats.