Bon Voyage Mes Amies

I have just got time to check in and say see you in a fortnight! I have been caught up in the eternal tussle between small luggage = big shoe dilemma. The clothes are no problem as everything is either black or white but what to pack? I hate having to weed out excess baggage - I always want to take everything!

Stay well and special thoughts to anyone cycling or waiting on results.

Have a special thought for me and Mr P on Monday as we celebrate our 8th wedding anniversary in sunny Amsterdam. Good times, good times indeed!

Chelsea Morning

I am watching the TV every night and drooling over the coverage from the Chelsea Flower Show. Oh how I wish to be there. Every year I think "Next year" but I have never made it yet. I am dreaming at night of tiarellas and roses and pelargoniums and lupins and heucheras and buxus. All the gorgeous show gardens - I could just eat them up.

The Queen has missed it this year, for only about the 2nd time ever. Of course, she has a good excuse as she is holidaying (sorry, working hahaha!) in Canada entertaining the subjects. Nice work if you can get it, hmmm?

What I cannot believe is that Rachel de Thame is pregnant again and I checked her out online. She is 41! You go, gardening girl!

I seem to have neglected my gardening tips lately (sorry, that pesky IVF distracted me. Naughty.) Here are your ever-so-belated tips for May:

Renovate rampant climbers, such as honeysuckles, by pruning the stems hard back.

When planting baskets and containers, leave space above the compost so you can water without sluicing compost over the side. Mix in water-retaining gel if your watering is irregular.

Lower the blades on your lawnmower to a short summer height. If you find yourself mowing down into moss, cut higher until the grass is thicker and can compete better. A feed will help.

Perennials such as salvia, delphinium and achillea can be propagated from cuttings made from basal shoots. Set finger-long shoots in a pot of sandy compost, the bases dipped in rooting powder. Water with a fungicide solution, cover with polythene and keep them warm.

Encourage self-sown hellebore seedlings by leaving the seedheads on the best forms. The rest can have old flowered stems removed to strengthen the plants. (I cannot do this yet as my hellebores are still flowering away and have been since January!)

Lift any tulip bulbs once flowers are spent. Dry off and store till autumn for re-planting.

Once the flowering display is over, trim back aubretias and mossy saxifrages.

Reasons to be Cheerful

The new series of Will & Grace starts tonight! Yee-haw! I loves me some Jack.

5 more days to work and then it is the first Pamplemousse holiday of this year. I cannot wait. I may have given the impression that sunshine is the only thing I crave. However, do not fall into the trap of thinking it is a beach holiday. No sirree! I am a city holiday gal. I live here in the animal-ridden country full of tractors, hills and grass.

When I go on holiday, I want shops, art galleries, museums, cappuccinos and culture....did I mention shops? NYC is my all-time fave destination but this time it is one week in Amsterdam in our favourite boutique canal-side hotel. It is our wedding anniversary when we are there and we will celebrate in style. The hotel is run by two gay men (in Amsterdam. Of course!) and it is all stripped floors, antique furniture and a beautiful courtyard garden. This will be swiftly followed by a week at my SIL's in London, just chilling out with good food, catching up with family news and enjoying that London vibe.

I am absolutely cock-a-hoop to find out that the Tate Modern is opening the Frida Kahlo exhibition the week we are there. I love her work and I have only seen one or two of her paintings in the flesh.

I am really excited. At least it takes my mind off of IVF and all that rubbish.

Eggshells and Miracle-Gro

The sun shone this weekend, I got sunburnt and realised it was time to dig out the fake tan to disguise the strap marks and the fish-white legs.

On Friday the 13th, my abortive IVF cycle had stuttered to a final halt as my period arrived. I viewed this event as dispassionately as the rabbits munching their way through the frilly greenness of my herbaceous borders. Who cares?

I have realised all I really want to do is lie in the hammock and watch Mr P work in the garden. He has pressure-washed the terrace and the greenhouse this weekend and I just watched him, silent as the grave.

It is almost time for my holidays and I am really in need of them. My mojo seems to have deserted me. All I want is more sunshine on my face and a different view in the morning.

Open Letter to Renee...

Honey, did you not learn from the example set by Julia and Lyle??

Honey, did you not think that just a smidgen of Fake Bake might have made that dress look a teensy-weensy bit more glam??

Honey, does he take that hat off, ever??

Honey, can't you be like the rest of us and want to eat when you are happy too??

Honey, can you spell "shotgun wedding"?? Sorry, you will have to shout as I can't hear you over the ticking of your bio clock!

Honey, were you trying to prove the maxim "You can take the girl out of Texas but you cannot take the Texan out of the girl"??

Mazel tov!!

There is a light that never goes out

I went back to work today after being off since a week past Wednesday. I used a couple of days annual leave, bank holiday last Monday and paid special leave from work from Tuesday onwards. My employer has fantastic benefits which include paid time off for fertility treatments. I could also have a year's maternity leave but hey! Lets not jump the gun here.

I had already spoken to my colleagues and my boss a couple of times so they knew what happened. So I think they were a bit surprised when I bounced in this morning at 8am like a Tigger unleashed. I think I surprised myself. I am not sure what is going on. I should feel bad, sad, mad or a combo of all 3. The 150 e-mails in my work inbox alone should have pushed me over the edge.

Did I not just have a completely crappy cycle that totally blew chunks? Have I not been feeling so punk that all I wanted to do was sleep, drink water and watch the Hallmark channel? Do I not have to wait until July to cycle again on IVF#2? Yes, yes and yes. So why do I not feel worse? It is all my RE's fault.

My RE on Thursday came over all Pollyanna and said that she was really hopeful that next cycle would be better. Mr P's count was stellar but we would do ICSI anyway as it would help in the event of another small amount of eggs retrieved. She said that she was so proud of me for keeping my weight, BP and blood sugar under control. She said my eggs looked fine. I didn't even cry.

Not even when I was looking about in the clinic for the other 3 women who had retrieval the same day as me. Maybe their transfers were earlier or later.

I so hope they made it.

I so hope it is me next time.

Rain on my parade

We knew it was a long shot - my age, poor response, disalignment of the universe. I woke up this morning and my first conscious thought was "they are all dead". I could not shake that feeling and it was confirmed by phone 2 hours later.

Only one of the 2 mature eggs fertilized and 2 were immature.

The chosen one fertilized abnormally. The embryologist said that either too many sperm had their wicked way with it or it was just a bad egg. I hope it was the daisychain party in the petri dish that was the problem as I like to think something has been having some fun at my expense.

I felt worse today after my post-retrieval euphoria yesterday. More pain, more dizziness, more nausea. I felt even worse after I fainted in the hall and crashed through Mr P's study door. Cue CDs falling off shelves and a small earthquake being monitored in Eastern Scotland. He should just be grateful I didn't crush his new synth. The nurse at the hospital blamed the after-effects of the anaesthesia and the shock of the bad news this morning. I am just glad that I have the rest of the week off work to recover from all my bruises.

Tomorrow we are having a post-mortem of this cycle with the doctor. She is really nice but I am dreading the conversation. I am pissed off crying in hospitals. No, make that pissed off crying in general.

Gang of Four

4 eggs retrieved. V. good drugs at the retrieval and I did not feel a thing. 1st prog pessary inserted and cue instant nausea. Fertilization report tomorrow morning.

The tag team are limbering up. Hope and Pollyanna in one corner of the ring and Gloom and her nasty-ass cousin Despondency in the other, spandex unitards and Wonder Woman style boots all round. Who do you want to put your money on?