There is a light that never goes out

I went back to work today after being off since a week past Wednesday. I used a couple of days annual leave, bank holiday last Monday and paid special leave from work from Tuesday onwards. My employer has fantastic benefits which include paid time off for fertility treatments. I could also have a year's maternity leave but hey! Lets not jump the gun here.

I had already spoken to my colleagues and my boss a couple of times so they knew what happened. So I think they were a bit surprised when I bounced in this morning at 8am like a Tigger unleashed. I think I surprised myself. I am not sure what is going on. I should feel bad, sad, mad or a combo of all 3. The 150 e-mails in my work inbox alone should have pushed me over the edge.

Did I not just have a completely crappy cycle that totally blew chunks? Have I not been feeling so punk that all I wanted to do was sleep, drink water and watch the Hallmark channel? Do I not have to wait until July to cycle again on IVF#2? Yes, yes and yes. So why do I not feel worse? It is all my RE's fault.

My RE on Thursday came over all Pollyanna and said that she was really hopeful that next cycle would be better. Mr P's count was stellar but we would do ICSI anyway as it would help in the event of another small amount of eggs retrieved. She said that she was so proud of me for keeping my weight, BP and blood sugar under control. She said my eggs looked fine. I didn't even cry.

Not even when I was looking about in the clinic for the other 3 women who had retrieval the same day as me. Maybe their transfers were earlier or later.

I so hope they made it.

I so hope it is me next time.