PCOS - check. Infertility - check. IVF - check. 43 years young - check. Sick of babydust - fricking double check. Join a Scottish infertile as she slowly swirls down the plughole. Now with added donor egg flava.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Wherever you take the weather with you

It is barely daylight here today. The temperature is 48 degrees or 8 degrees if you like your weather in Celsius. Uggh. 24 days till Xmas. My cold and dark corner of Scotland feels very bleak right now.

I look at Liana's pics of South Africa and long for some sunshine. Or even some particularly vicious snow. Anything other than this unrelenting damp gloom! Go and visit her and give her some IF love as she is at the transfer stage in her DE cycle. So thrilling!

Our second counselling interview went very well yesterday. My donor was a little bit more relaxed about the talking and the probing of feelings. She is not really that kind of person normally. Whereas I would talk the hind and front legs off of a donkey, given half a chance.

We discussed lots of issues regarding our openness about the donor treatment with our respective and shared families. We are committed to being completely open with them regarding her gift. Of course, that will not be until there is actually something concrete to tell. Probably after the birth!! I will not believe it until then.

There is always lots of talk about adoption in the blogoshere and my take on it is that it should be a part of the child's life experience right from the start. I am not presuming that this is what everyone should do. It is my opinion. However, I feel the same way about donor egg treatment too. It is even more relevant in that we will be a blended family, with my family, Mr P's family and the donor's family.

I know it is different if you use an anonymous donor outwith the UK as there is no way that the child will be able to trace the donor/biological mother. If your feelings are that you do not ever want to tell the child, I would respect your decision. My own decision is to be completely open.

Here in the UK, no donor is anonymous now. The law changed in April 2005 and any child from donor treatment from that date can access the information from the HFEA at the age of 18, much in the same way as accessing adoption records now. I definitely know that even if we did use an anon. donor here in the UK, I would not want to drop the bombshell at 18.

Lots of issues are mulling about in my brain so bear with me as I continue to process them. This is the whole point of the counselling. It is not to make us jump through hoops although it is mandatory. It is about confronting issues that may have not been considered.

I came out of the room after 2 hours and felt as if I had been wrung out and left to dry. In a good way though.

The 3rd and final session will be just me and Mr P. My taciturn Scottish man is going to love it (not!) My donor is finished with the counselling at the moment. If she felt that there was anything else she wished to explore, the option is there for further sessions.

Oh, and guess what? The next session is in another 3 weeks. Yippee...more waiting. Us infertiles just love that!!!

In order to salve the waiting and the boredom, I of course went shopping. Oro, you missed me as I was up your way on Wednesday. To celebrate the fact that I have completely finished my Xmas shopping (no mean feat - 10 children to buy pressies for and the rest of the adults), I made some purchases. The stocking is for me as I love pompoms.

Oh, and by the way, the counsellor had some lovely boots on this time. Thank goodness, she redeemed herself in the footwear dept! Phew!


At 8:35 PM, Anonymous Orodemniades said...

Aww. But pompoms good! Let me know the next time you swing through town, mebbe we could have a meet'n'sniff?


At 8:35 PM, Anonymous Orodemniades said...

Hell, I meant coffee. Or tea, or something.

This is what happens when forums collide!

At 8:42 PM, Blogger MsPrufrock said...

I think I need a common sense implant, because I love gloomy weather. Sunshine, ick.

I could spend all day in The Pier, even though I worked in one for a year and hated it. Nice boots too, though they don't look to rain-friendly.

Onto the important matters now...I'm glad you're moving forward, even if it is at an agonisingly slow rate. As you say, we're all so used to waiting. Yay us.

At 8:46 PM, Anonymous Jenn said...

I agree with you about the openess. I think that's the only decision I could make because it seems most fair to the child. But I suppose every situation is unique and I've learned you never know what you will do until you are in that situation.

At 9:08 PM, Anonymous pixi said...

Hey those boots are hot! What do you wear them with?

Glad the counseling was better (maybe even useful?) this time. Sorry there's more waiting to be done, though. No shock there, I suppose.

At 12:27 AM, Anonymous Manuela said...

BRAVA!!! BRAVA to you for making the decision to be honest with your future child regarding the origins of their life!

As I think you already know... as an adoptee who was lied to for 25 years, I think lying or hiding the truth from a child about their genetic origins is absolutely criminal and fraught with potential problems.

I knew I liked you for a reason...

At 4:36 AM, Blogger Nico said...

Those are some damn sexy boots, woman!

So glad the session went well. Hope the time 'til the next one flies.

I'm so impressed you're finished with all your shopping. I haven't even started thinking about it yet!

At 4:43 AM, Blogger Anna said...

I found the whole counseling thing a bit instrusive and baiting, but that's what has to be done.

I completely understand your openess about the donation. There's a part of me that would like to be open, but my mother would not recognise our child as her grandson if we told her. The fact that the donor is one of my cousins (the youngest daughter of my mom's youngest sister whom my mom hates), would be perceived as a particular insult. My cousin and I look similar enough, and my husband and I are very close with my aunt and her family. We're thankful they've given us the opportunity to have a family.

I wish you speedy progression with the process! Very best wishes to you!

At 12:57 PM, Blogger Lut C. said...

Telling your child the tale of its conception sounds sensible to me.
But how do you explain it?
There are a whole bunch of 'where do babies come from' childrens books, but I have yet to see the first that covers adoption/ART.

Maybe they exist in the U.S., with that huge IF consumer market and all.

At 5:10 PM, Blogger Anna said...

Regarding the book, I our social worker told us there's a book titled "Sometimes it Takes Three to Make a Baby." You can find the link here:
It's made in Australia. That, I would imagine, would be particularly helpful and it was written by an infertility counselor. I think I might add that link to my Blog...

Gook luck on your journey towards motherhood, and for the kinds words you left on my blog. Have a great weekend!

At 7:56 PM, Anonymous wessel said...

It sounds like things are really coming along, even if you would like them to move faster. This is starting to get very exciting, don't you think? Hope the speed picks up for you, though. I know that I want a baby YESTERDAY. I'm sure you feel the same way.

At 8:26 PM, Blogger Donna said...

Love all the purchases! Your family will be your family no matter how its "made", but I am glad you are taking an honest approach to the whole business. Continued good luck to you.

At 2:10 AM, Blogger ninaB said...

Yikes. Now I'm feeling anxious about the fact that we only required 1 counseling session...perhaps it's not enough. In fact I know I need more counseling.
I've been thinking the same as you re: being honest with the child right from the start. Fortunately my husband, potential donor and I are (so far) in agreement on this.
So glad the footwear situation has improved. It is so v. important.

At 2:25 AM, Blogger Millie said...

What a great post!It sounds like your counseling session went very well indeed. Of course, I'm on your side about the whole 'telling' thing when it concerns the children. I just can't imagine (nor would I want to) not being honest with my children.

Have you read the Ellen Glazer book? There's a great chapter on telling and she quotes heavily from another source who emphasizes developmental norms. I plan on getting the other book and spending my pregancy devouring it.

There are also some specific children's books for all kinds of art babies.

LOOOOVE the stockings and the candle. They are totally cute.

At 4:27 PM, Blogger zhl said...

Glad to hear that the counseling session went better and, of course, that she was wearing better shoes. I'm sure when your baby is old enough to understand that DE won't be such a big deal or unknown issue.

I just wish this could all happen sooner for you.

At 8:34 PM, Blogger Pamplemousse said...

Oro, it was a kind of last minute hooky from work thing. Next time, I will e-mail you first. Maybe in the New Year?

Ms Pru, the boots don't need to be rain-friendly! I have loads of those. These boots are strictly for lounging around and looking slinky hahaha (fat chance of that but I will try!)

Pixi, as above and I am wearing a cleavage-revealing knee-length black wrap dress. It is Xmas after all!

There are books available here in the UK through the Donor Conception network and even on Amazon. I really should check out that Ellen Glazer book, Millie. Thanks for that.

Nina, don't worry. The 3 sessions are for a known donor. If it was an anon donor, it would only be one session for Mr P and I. In fact, if Mr P had been here this week, it would have only been 2 sessions but he had an unbreakable work thing. I think that if you and your hubs are happy with only one session in your own minds, then that would be OK.

Thanks for all the support, girls. You don't know what it means to me.

At 11:41 PM, Blogger Kristi said...

I think you are very smart to be honest with your future child as to where he/she came from. I would feel just devasted as an adult once I learned the truth of my parentage. And as you mentioned, if there's one thing us infertiles know how to do, it's wait. Even if we loathe every last second of it, at least we have plenty of experience to get us through. Sending many good luck wishes across the ocean to you.

At 3:57 PM, Anonymous Lynnette said...

I finally fixed the link to your blog on my blogroll and I can comment. Yay! I left the old link on there if you want to see what I had before. Don't know where that came from. Glad your seesion with your donor went well. We also plan on telling our kids (when they're concrete!). Our counselor even told us that there is a registry they are offering to their donors, so it might not have to be so anonymous when the children are older. I think that might be good.

At 6:30 PM, Anonymous thalia said...

That sounds a lot better than last time - sounds like she redeemed herself in multiple directions. I'm so glad the process is progressing, if at somewhat of a snail's pace.

At 8:06 PM, Anonymous pixi said...

Hmm...methinks you are more vixenish than you let on at times!

At 8:52 PM, Anonymous T said...

1. Love that you want to be open - lovely girl.
2. Sex kitten boots, eh? Meow!
3. I'll trade weather - it's about 32 degrees here and we're expecting snow tomorrow (on top of what we got yesterday). I'll take dismal and rainy for a thousand Johnny!

At 10:52 PM, Blogger Sparkle said...

Fantastic that everything is moving ahead - your donor sounds amazing. Can't wait for the next session.

At 4:37 PM, Anonymous mm said...

My two adorable cousins were adopted as infants and from day one they've known about their birth mother, etc. I've always thought that that is the way I would go if/when I adopt... full disclosure as soon as the children are able to understand. That has to be easier on the children. At least that's what I assume. But what the Hell do I know? Anyway, so glad things are moving forward for you! Those stockings are adorable. Retail therapy rocks.

At 7:19 PM, Blogger amyesq said...

OMG. A Scottish man at a counseling session. I can hear the crickets chirping... and for someone as talkative as you 9and me) it must be hell on earth, oy!


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