The Promise - a tribute to Mr P

It's time for the 2nd Annual Bloggirl Engagement Ring Fashion Show.

As the advert says, three stones...one for the past, one for the present and one for our future, my love. You have been my magnetic North since the age of 11 and my fervent wish is to always be captivated and yet comforted by you.

To paraphrase W H Auden,

He is my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever; I was not wrong.

The Road Less Travelled

It was the 29th of August that my second IVF retrieval went tits up. The realisation that one failed retrieval without anything to transfer was unlucky but another is a message, a huge message.

A message loud enough and scary enough that says:

Stop.
Do not proceed.
Do not collect £200.
Go home.
Your eggs are shit.
Sit at home and wait for your 40th birthday in a few weeks because then you will REALLY want to celebrate.

That failed retrieval was 8 weeks ago on Monday. It is bad enough to endure the hormones and drugs and needles and endless waiting to at least have the chance of a 2WW at the end. A 5% chance of success is better than none. But to get there TWICE and have that sucker punch was more than I thought I could bear. Premature ovarian failure, early menopause, diminshed egg supply...whatever.

I have cried and wailed and sobbed and cursed my body, my age, my husband, my mother, my whole life. Until I had nothing left at my core.

Just a husk.

Dried out, cried out, worn out.

And yet.....I AM NOT READY TO GIVE UP.

How can I say that? This is like an abusive relationship in a way. More pain, more grief, more hurt. And yet...the potential for the converse. More joy, more everything! Am I delusional?
What amazes me most about this whole thing is the tenacity. Where does it come from? This willingness to endure more and harder.

I am not tenacious in real life. I am pretty laid back, apart from when I am on the hormones haha. Where does this drive come from that I cannot just give up? Despite all the years of treatments and gnashing of teeth and rending of clothes, I am not closing the door. In fact, I am ready to kick that fucking door down!

You know where this is going, right?

According to the HFEA, 800 babies are born here in the UK through donated eggs, sperm or embryos. 800 babies!! Who knew? There are not many egg donation blogs and most are American. Well, apart from Miss Wessel's beautiful blog. Pioneers, all of them.

I am not surprised to be here. Yet I am also amazed to be here.

It looks like I am joining them. Ok, phew. Glad that is out. Normal Tarot card transmission can re-commence.

It worked for Cecily!

Visit Cecily to give her some love. NBHHY!!!

I adore these Tarot cards and todays selection helped lift me out of my "meh!" mood. If only I could post the beautiful illustrations too.

The opportunity

Sudden, irrevocable change

You have the opportunity to see that life as you have always known it is about to change. It is sudden and it is radical. It may be an epiphany or a flash of insight that totally revises the way you look at the world. It may be an emotional breakthrough. Or it may be an upheaval in your life or in the life of the world around you. It is up to you how you will respond to the crisis. Will you let it crush you, or will you allow it to transform you? The energy that is released in the aftermath of crises has the potential for enormous creativity and transformation.

The challenge

Learning and teaching

You are being challenged to learn in a new way, or to become a teacher to others. It may be that a new teacher will appear to you in disguise — perhaps the weeds that grow along the roadside, or a heron feeding in the mud flats at low tide. The natural world around you has some of the most profound spiritual teachings you will ever encounter. Perhaps it is time to get to know your Place on this earth in a more intimate manner. Do you know the names of native plants in your area, and how the indigenous people used them? Do you know how to interpret the different calls and songs of the birds in your neighborhood? Do you know where the sun rises and sets on the horizon in summer and in winter? The Teacher calls you to become intimately acquainted with the natural world in the place where you live, as part of your spiritual practice.

Resolution

May all beings be blessed

Resolution comes with knowing that "all shall be well." This card is the best of all possible cards to get in a reading, because it is the culmination of your spiritual journey. It signifies wholeness and an integration of your spiritual, emotional and physical lives. A major stage or cycle of your life is complete, and a new one will soon begin. You may have had a transcendent experience where you became aware of the life-energy of the planet, and you knew Mother Earth as a living being. This kind of cosmic consciousness is hard to describe, but once we have experienced it we never forget it. Our lives become a cosmic dance in which we forget and remember, forget and remember. When this card appears, you remember your birthright as a Child of Heaven and Earth.

http://www.gaiantarot.com/oracle/index.html

Help Wanted

Thanks to Cecily, I have discovered this amazing Tarot site which I am consulting on a daily basis to aid me with a big decision.

Crackpot? Why, yes I am!

Today's card for the challenge is:

Letting go

You are being challenged to release attachments, to surrender to the flow. You are no longer in charge of your life. It isn't a time to resist, for everything is out of your control. Give it up. Your world may feel like it's been turned upside down. You can fight this reversal — you can go into it kicking and screaming — or you can surrender with grace and take it as an opportunity to see your life from a different perspective. It is a time to take no action, other than meditation and prayer. Learn to be still. During this time of suspension and waiting, you may discover within yourself the gifts of inspiration, enlightenment and unconditional love.

Each day, the cards give me glimpses of hope and optimism and change for the future and a feeling of not yet finished. It sure beats jim-jam therapy, any day.

Crossing the Rubicon

I have now officially crossed over into my 5th decade. It sucks donkey balls.

My friend sent me a card which said "You survived the Eighties..... so you can survive your Forties!"

I am not so sure about that. Time will tell, I suppose. I am still completely struggling with the way forward from this slough of despondency. At least in the Eighties, outrageous hair and make-up could camouflage my troubles. It is a bit more difficult in the tasteful Noughties!

Birthdays were never my thing anyway. I don't like too much fuss at the best of times. Luckily, there are not too many of my family making a fuss since I alienated most of them at the wedding the other week. Ha! Mission accomplished.

My rock-like friends all know what is going on and are being both solicitous and mindful of my reluctance to celebrate this milestone. They know how badly I wanted to be a mother or at least PG before my fortieth birthday. I know it is a random point in the calendar but it is the same as every other Xmas and holiday and the thinking of "surely next time".

It is the grasping of the concept that there may not be a next time. Maybe I just need to get a life? Oh wait. I have already got one of those. It sucks.

Mr P is struggling on manfully in his efforts to distract me from my current barrenness/impending old age. If I was him, I would have chucked in the towel weeks ago and divorced my sorry self.

He has booked us a trip to Prague in December when the Xmas Markets are on. Prague was the first place we ever went on holiday as a couple (12 years ago). We have not been back since and maybe the ghost of my younger optimistic self will be found haunting the caricaturists on the Charles Bridge. Last time, we were poor and stayed in a hostel. This time, there is more to play with in the budget and my high standards in pillows and Art Nouveau chandeliers can be fully indulged.

There was talk of amber jewellery being purchased whilst we are there. Also, some actual lovely peridot earrings were dangled in front of me as a birthday enticement to raise a smile. Miserable bitch that I am, I attempted to smile but fell far short of what was deemed appropriate.

Shame

If you knew me in real life, you would not like me.

Hell, I do not like me.

I am so angry at everyone else in the world. I feel it burning like a white-hot fire through my brain. I am jealous and envious of everyone. If you look like you are happy, I will hate you.

Needless to say, not the best frame of mind to attend a fancy wedding (my cousin on his second marriage). It was the bride's first marriage so of course, it was a paean to conspicuous consumption in an effort to ignore the fact that the groom had previously uttered those words of "till death do us part" in an adoring fashion. I was consumed with the thought that she will be pregnant before the honeymoon tan has faded.

I made it through the church service without vomiting. However, at the faux country house reception, I engineered a big fight with my middle brother before the meal so I could have an excuse to leave. The tears and snot were real though.

I feel evil and nasty and worthless.