Pamplemousse

PCOS - check. Infertility - check. IVF - check. 43 years young - check. Sick of babydust - fricking double check. Join a Scottish infertile as she slowly swirls down the plughole. Now with added donor egg flava.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Shame

If you knew me in real life, you would not like me.

Hell, I do not like me.

I am so angry at everyone else in the world. I feel it burning like a white-hot fire through my brain. I am jealous and envious of everyone. If you look like you are happy, I will hate you.

Needless to say, not the best frame of mind to attend a fancy wedding (my cousin on his second marriage). It was the bride's first marriage so of course, it was a paean to conspicuous consumption in an effort to ignore the fact that the groom had previously uttered those words of "till death do us part" in an adoring fashion. I was consumed with the thought that she will be pregnant before the honeymoon tan has faded.

I made it through the church service without vomiting. However, at the faux country house reception, I engineered a big fight with my middle brother before the meal so I could have an excuse to leave. The tears and snot were real though.

I feel evil and nasty and worthless.

17 Comments:

At 4:26 PM, Anonymous mm said...

You are neither evil, nor nasty, nor worthless. You're hurting and this just happened to be a not so perfect time for you to have to attend an overdone wedding. Any of us would have engineered a fight just to get the Hell out of there. Please be good to yourself.

 
At 4:58 PM, Anonymous thalia said...

You are just in a horrible place right now, you're not in any way a horrible person. Most of us would just not have showed up, for goodness sake! Please try not to beat yourself up - things are crap enough already.

 
At 7:56 PM, Anonymous B. Mare said...

I bet I am more horrible than you. I am Uber Horriblis. Frequently filled with self loathing. Totally understandable, but quite squirmy and unpleasant while it's happening.

 
At 11:17 PM, Blogger Karen said...

I know those feelings very well. You're a better person than I, though, because I would have made an excuse not to attend the wedding in the first place. And I wouldn't have gotten them a gift, either. So you see, you are actually quite saintly.

 
At 12:23 AM, Blogger zhl said...

Oh P, you're not evil, nasty, or worthless. It's amazing that you even made it to the wedding. I'm so sorry that you're hurting so much right now. Although this will sound distinctly like assvice, I will pass along what many people have said to me, "You are being too hard on yourself." You are but know that doesn't take away the pain. Thinking of you.

 
At 2:17 AM, Blogger Ivy O said...

I understand completely -- anyone who is happy only makes us feel our pain that much more.

It will fade. I hope.

Ivy

 
At 2:24 AM, Blogger MC said...

I know that feeling of anger. I'm angry at everything and nothing in particular, it's always curled up inside me and strikes out often when I'm not expecting it to.
Look after yourself,you have so much on your plate and things like weddings can just be too much.

 
At 7:17 AM, Blogger Ova Girl said...

Weddings are a huge ask and frankly, pretty fucking painful especially with all you have had to put up with...you did what you could to get out of there.

You're not evil or nasty or any of those things. I'm so sorry this is hurting so much.

Thinking of you.

 
At 1:06 PM, Anonymous T said...

You sound a bit like me actually. Although I might have gotten drunk and just made an ass of myself. When the black cloud descends, what can you do?

There are things that can help eventually, please take care.

 
At 5:25 PM, Blogger amyesq said...

That you went at all was pretty impressive, actually. Repeat after me: "I am angry, which makes me pissy. AND THAT's OK! I am allowed to feel like this."

Repeat it. I mean it! Oh- what a cute Scottish accent you have.

 
At 9:05 PM, Blogger Chee Chee said...

I think it is perfectly natural for you to feel angry and jealous and hostile. You could not deal with that crap. I can relate! I plan to blow off all events that I can't deal with from now on.

Take care.

 
At 4:59 PM, Blogger Em said...

I get like that often and have been like it since I was a child. I have a problem being happy for other people. My husband gets really pissed off at me but you can't help how you feel sometimes.

 
At 8:18 PM, Blogger tania said...

I think we've all hated oursevles for the irrational emotional responses we get. Thanks again, infertility.

Nothing to be ashamed of. It just is what it is and you feel how you feel.

I think we'd all like you very very much. Take good care of yourself!

 
At 9:53 PM, Blogger Mellie said...

Evil, nasty and worthless is not you. Hurt, sad and fragile - maybe. And why wouldn't you be? You're suffering and going through a tough, tough time. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. We all care about you and know we'd like you - even in real life.

 
At 3:16 AM, Blogger fisher queen said...

Weddings can be horrible exercises in and of themselves. That and you're feeling horrible. No shame! It was a bad experience that is now over.

 
At 6:16 PM, Blogger ninaB said...

you have every right to be angry. i dare anyone dealing with crap like this to not rage against the world. you have our support.

 
At 3:32 PM, Blogger wessel said...

All I can say is, you are justified. And you are not alone either--I feel this way every day.

I think I like you more now. :-)

 

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