PCOS - check. Infertility - check. IVF - check. 43 years young - check. Sick of babydust - fricking double check. Join a Scottish infertile as she slowly swirls down the plughole. Now with added donor egg flava.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Crossing the Rubicon

I have now officially crossed over into my 5th decade. It sucks donkey balls.

My friend sent me a card which said "You survived the Eighties..... so you can survive your Forties!"

I am not so sure about that. Time will tell, I suppose. I am still completely struggling with the way forward from this slough of despondency. At least in the Eighties, outrageous hair and make-up could camouflage my troubles. It is a bit more difficult in the tasteful Noughties!

Birthdays were never my thing anyway. I don't like too much fuss at the best of times. Luckily, there are not too many of my family making a fuss since I alienated most of them at the wedding the other week. Ha! Mission accomplished.

My rock-like friends all know what is going on and are being both solicitous and mindful of my reluctance to celebrate this milestone. They know how badly I wanted to be a mother or at least PG before my fortieth birthday. I know it is a random point in the calendar but it is the same as every other Xmas and holiday and the thinking of "surely next time".

It is the grasping of the concept that there may not be a next time. Maybe I just need to get a life? Oh wait. I have already got one of those. It sucks.

Mr P is struggling on manfully in his efforts to distract me from my current barrenness/impending old age. If I was him, I would have chucked in the towel weeks ago and divorced my sorry self.

He has booked us a trip to Prague in December when the Xmas Markets are on. Prague was the first place we ever went on holiday as a couple (12 years ago). We have not been back since and maybe the ghost of my younger optimistic self will be found haunting the caricaturists on the Charles Bridge. Last time, we were poor and stayed in a hostel. This time, there is more to play with in the budget and my high standards in pillows and Art Nouveau chandeliers can be fully indulged.

There was talk of amber jewellery being purchased whilst we are there. Also, some actual lovely peridot earrings were dangled in front of me as a birthday enticement to raise a smile. Miserable bitch that I am, I attempted to smile but fell far short of what was deemed appropriate.


At 3:11 AM, Blogger amyesq said...

Happy Birthday, my dear girl. Sorry it couldn't have been a better one. Your trip to Prague sounds just lovely. And did you say Art Nouveau chandeliers? mmmm... I am salivating at the though of that. I didn't know Prague had much in the way of Art Nouveau. Yet another reason to check it out.

Hang in there my dear.

At 3:14 AM, Anonymous Julianna said...


At 8:22 AM, Anonymous thalia said...

I'm sorry this birthday was such a bust, despite the peridot earrings. I'm dreading christmas, myself, so a trip like yours sounds like a good move. I wish you had had better news for this birthday.

At 8:33 AM, Blogger MC said...

Happy birthday. I turned 40 in November last year and couldn't even bring myself to say that I had. I had a party, but just said it was a Melbourne Cup party ( even though it was my birthday that day).

The holiday sounds good, something to look forward to and plan. Amber is beautiful.

At 3:42 PM, Anonymous Molly said...

Shit. Well, happy birthday, anyway.

I loooove Prague, and it actually has quite a bit in the way of Art Nouveau -- hometown of Mucha, after all! Beautiful Art Nouveau-inspired concert halls, etc. Truly a gem, since it didn't see much in the way of damage from WWII.

Enjoy. Make the husband buy you something special.

At 4:02 PM, Anonymous mm said...

Ugh-- there's nothing worse than a bday when you're feeling awful. If it makes you feel any better, I'm so incredibly jealous that you're going to Prague. Hang in there!

At 4:48 PM, Blogger fisher queen said...

Birthdays and holidays definitely suck during IF. I am dreading the winter for all of the above. Try to take what fun you can though. There's some there for you.

At 7:26 PM, Blogger ninaB said...

Prague is wonderful. i'm sure you'll have lovely time there again. what a terrific way to escape the dreadful family get-togethers around Christmastime. I'm already trying to think of excuses to back out of them. Perhaps I'll see you in Prague.
As for birthdays..hope yours wasn't completely miserable. Around our house my husband is not allowed to celebrate/acknowledge mine in any way, shape or form. I'm not one of those 'ageing gracefully' people. Give me a couple of healthy babies and I'll be full of grace. Promise.

At 7:44 PM, Anonymous B. Mare said...

Happy Birthday dear Mousse friend. I'm sorry things haven't gone as you hoped. Been thinking about Prague myself- perhaps I will bump into you there- we'll know each other from the secret Infertile Mark we wear.

At 9:12 PM, Blogger Claudia said...

Happy birthday. Sorry that 40 isn't how you want it to be. Milestones are really hard when you add infertility into the mix.

Prague sounds great - it's nice for you to have something to look forward to.

At 9:50 PM, Blogger Nico said...

Happy birthday!

I can understand your not feeling excited about material things when the one thing you really really want seems so far away. And there's not a thing anyone can say or do to make it better. It sucks, and I'm so sorry for that.

At 6:49 AM, Blogger Sue said...

yup - can't say I particularly like being over 40. As for the 80's....I get so sad sometimes listening to 80s music. I was in my teens and twenties...never in my life would I have predicted that 20 years later I would be struggling with infertility. Back then it was a given that I would have children, ya know?

Happy Birthday, anyway. You have a lot of blessings and beats the alternative!

At 12:33 AM, Blogger Millie said...

Happy (late) birthday! I hope you have a fab time in Prague. I haven't been back since I was dirt poor (in my 20s) but stayed in a lovely, cheap, run down 14th century apartment. We Americans are suckers for anything remotely old, except ourselves.

Love the jewelry ideas.

At 10:46 PM, Blogger JennaM said...

Happy Birthday! And for what it's worth, I felt much less barren the last time I was abroad (Paris last March)--not sure why, but it was a nice surprise!


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