Pamplemousse

PCOS - check. Infertility - check. IVF - check. 43 years young - check. Sick of babydust - fricking double check. Join a Scottish infertile as she slowly swirls down the plughole. Now with added donor egg flava.

Monday, October 24, 2005

The Road Less Travelled

It was the 29th of August that my second IVF retrieval went tits up. The realisation that one failed retrieval without anything to transfer was unlucky but another is a message, a huge message.

A message loud enough and scary enough that says:

Stop.
Do not proceed.
Do not collect £200.
Go home.
Your eggs are shit.
Sit at home and wait for your 40th birthday in a few weeks because then you will REALLY want to celebrate.

That failed retrieval was 8 weeks ago on Monday. It is bad enough to endure the hormones and drugs and needles and endless waiting to at least have the chance of a 2WW at the end. A 5% chance of success is better than none. But to get there TWICE and have that sucker punch was more than I thought I could bear. Premature ovarian failure, early menopause, diminshed egg supply...whatever.

I have cried and wailed and sobbed and cursed my body, my age, my husband, my mother, my whole life. Until I had nothing left at my core.

Just a husk.

Dried out, cried out, worn out.

And yet.....I AM NOT READY TO GIVE UP.

How can I say that? This is like an abusive relationship in a way. More pain, more grief, more hurt. And yet...the potential for the converse. More joy, more everything! Am I delusional?
What amazes me most about this whole thing is the tenacity. Where does it come from? This willingness to endure more and harder.

I am not tenacious in real life. I am pretty laid back, apart from when I am on the hormones haha. Where does this drive come from that I cannot just give up? Despite all the years of treatments and gnashing of teeth and rending of clothes, I am not closing the door. In fact, I am ready to kick that fucking door down!

You know where this is going, right?

According to the HFEA, 800 babies are born here in the UK through donated eggs, sperm or embryos. 800 babies!! Who knew? There are not many egg donation blogs and most are American. Well, apart from Miss Wessel's beautiful blog. Pioneers, all of them.

I am not surprised to be here. Yet I am also amazed to be here.

It looks like I am joining them. Ok, phew. Glad that is out. Normal Tarot card transmission can re-commence.

24 Comments:

At 6:58 PM, Blogger Donna said...

I wish I had your resolve (no pun intended), but I just don't. Even though I've given up, I'm glad you haven't and I will be checking back on your progress on this new fork in your journey.

 
At 8:07 PM, Blogger April said...

Best wishes on this new leg of your journey.

 
At 8:36 PM, Blogger PJ said...

Excellent news P. I look forward to being with you on the next leg of your journey.

 
At 9:31 PM, Blogger Karen said...

I was just where you were last May: I'd had two cancelled IVF/PGD cycles, with such poor results that there was no point in trying again. And I had had four miscarriages before that. I know the empty feeling you describe very well, but like you, I wasn't ready to stop. Today, I'm 10 weeks pregnant with a donor egg. It's still very early, but so far things have worked out much better with a donated egg than with my own (and the pregnancy couldn't feel more "mine"). I wish you lots of luck in this new phase and if you ever want to compare notes, just let me know!

 
At 9:40 PM, Anonymous amanda said...

Yay! Congratulations on your decision.

 
At 11:06 PM, Anonymous pixi said...

How, exciting! I'm so glad that you've found a new path, and I truly hope that this is the one.

 
At 11:34 PM, Anonymous Jenn said...

Congratulations on a hard decision. Kick that fucking door down!

 
At 1:41 AM, Blogger Millie said...

Such exciting news! I'm just picturing you as one of Charlie's Angels doing some really high kicks.

Welcome aboard! Wishing you tons of luck and all the best.

 
At 1:46 AM, Blogger Ova Girl said...

Inspiring! Good luck and we'll be here when you need us. Just give that bloody door a good kick for all of us!

 
At 3:11 AM, Anonymous Julianna said...

Absolutely lovely to hear! I will be following your journey earnestly.

 
At 6:33 AM, Blogger Sue said...

"I have cried and wailed and sobbed and cursed my body, my age, my husband, my mother, my whole life. Until I had nothing left at my core...and yet.....I AM NOT READY TO GIVE UP."

This is exactly how I'm feeling these days! I'm heading toward the egg donor route myself. Could you give me the link to "Miss Wessel's" blog? Looking for some support in this area. thanks!! (srathwick@cox.net)

 
At 4:13 PM, Anonymous mm said...

Thank you for posting this. It was just what I needed to hear (read!) today. Although I'm not exactly sure what my next step is, I'm slowly starting to realize that I don't want to give up, either. Let's break the door down together, ok? 1, 2, 3.... Go!

 
At 6:59 PM, Blogger Claudia said...

Good for you! I am happy you're moving on to donor egg, and really, really hope this brings you the baby you've fought so long and hard for.

 
At 7:24 PM, Blogger fisher queen said...

That is so exciting! I will be reading closely.

 
At 10:05 PM, Blogger zhl said...

Congratulations! I am so excited for the next step. I am wishing you all the best.

p.s. You've got me addicted to that tarot site. What did the cards say about your decision?

 
At 3:01 AM, Blogger Nico said...

It sounds like you're excited about this new path, and i can't tell you how glad i am.

 
At 3:04 AM, Blogger Nico said...

damn! blogger just ate my comment! anyway, i was saying that it sounds like you're really excited about the new path you've chosen. I'm so glad. Hoping that your story ends up like Karen's!

 
At 6:31 PM, Blogger Thalia said...

Bloody blogger. Ok for the second time, I'm delighted you've found a new and exciting road to travel. A friend of mine had a baby this way a couple of years ago after she had POF at 30. I hope it works out for you as well as it did for her.

 
At 5:44 PM, Blogger Faith in Florida said...

Good to meet you. I am half Scottish. Live in America. I am happy to hear that are back on yr journey:)

 
At 11:30 AM, Anonymous B. Mare said...

May I offer you a bit of assvice? I;m sure you know this already, but from what I learned in hunting for other clinics, Spain is the way to go for donor egg. Much, much cheaper and far quicker, since the whole donor situation in the UK is in crisis. They are also really geared up for doing things by email, it seems.

Plus, you know, better weather.

Assvice out. Yay you.

 
At 1:30 PM, Anonymous T said...

Wahhoooooo! Alright - I'm so happy for you. It's amazing to realize what you can put up with/go through, isn't it? I never thought I would do ivf - 6 fresh cycles later....

I know an Irish girl that did donor in Greece - she was very happy with them.

 
At 7:00 PM, Blogger amyesq said...

Congratulations on having a plan! This is great news. And good luck with the attendant research, etc. I can't wait to hear more about your next step!

 
At 8:27 PM, Anonymous pixi said...

Hey Pamp,

Just stopping back in again to let you know that I've been thinking about your new decision, and I can't wait to hear how things develop. I wish you luck & a whole bunch of future happiness.

 
At 3:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

do you have e.mail adress for egg donnars spain please?

 

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