The Road Less Travelled

It was the 29th of August that my second IVF retrieval went tits up. The realisation that one failed retrieval without anything to transfer was unlucky but another is a message, a huge message.

A message loud enough and scary enough that says:

Stop.
Do not proceed.
Do not collect £200.
Go home.
Your eggs are shit.
Sit at home and wait for your 40th birthday in a few weeks because then you will REALLY want to celebrate.

That failed retrieval was 8 weeks ago on Monday. It is bad enough to endure the hormones and drugs and needles and endless waiting to at least have the chance of a 2WW at the end. A 5% chance of success is better than none. But to get there TWICE and have that sucker punch was more than I thought I could bear. Premature ovarian failure, early menopause, diminshed egg supply...whatever.

I have cried and wailed and sobbed and cursed my body, my age, my husband, my mother, my whole life. Until I had nothing left at my core.

Just a husk.

Dried out, cried out, worn out.

And yet.....I AM NOT READY TO GIVE UP.

How can I say that? This is like an abusive relationship in a way. More pain, more grief, more hurt. And yet...the potential for the converse. More joy, more everything! Am I delusional?
What amazes me most about this whole thing is the tenacity. Where does it come from? This willingness to endure more and harder.

I am not tenacious in real life. I am pretty laid back, apart from when I am on the hormones haha. Where does this drive come from that I cannot just give up? Despite all the years of treatments and gnashing of teeth and rending of clothes, I am not closing the door. In fact, I am ready to kick that fucking door down!

You know where this is going, right?

According to the HFEA, 800 babies are born here in the UK through donated eggs, sperm or embryos. 800 babies!! Who knew? There are not many egg donation blogs and most are American. Well, apart from Miss Wessel's beautiful blog. Pioneers, all of them.

I am not surprised to be here. Yet I am also amazed to be here.

It looks like I am joining them. Ok, phew. Glad that is out. Normal Tarot card transmission can re-commence.