A Thank You from the Dark Side of the Moon
See! That is what happens when I decide to just let rip and let out my inner Pamplemousse to play on this blog. Ugly, ain't she?
She is back locked in her closet again but the loathing and self-hatred are never too far away, usually just under the skin. Truly, I have felt this way since I was about 10 years old. Normally I can jolly things along but there are times when it erupts. That last post was an eruption and yet a peeling away of the polite veneer.
I guess that everyone is like that, to a lesser or greater degree. Whatever pushes your buttons. I am only human and can only endure so much pain. Lots of times I self-censor and hide my feelings and I know that last post was difficult to read. Heck, I cringe when I read it. Welcome to my world.
Of course, the truth about the human condition is that when we are hurt, we want to lash out.
The other day, I could not lash out and hurt the person I wanted to inflict pain upon so the most easy, convenient target was myself. Hence the Great Kitkat Caper of 2006 and the resulting bloodsugar mayhem I wrought upon my body.
Who was my original target, you may ask? Oh, guess who?
Here, in my alternate universe, SiLs are beautiful and divine and it is the IVF co-ordinator who deserves my wrath and vitriol. She dangled before me the tantalising prospect of an early March start to simultaneous downregging with my donor. My donor possesses that wonderful quality that eludes me....a regular cycle so a prospective CD1 of March 1st for my donor could then be used to construct a military fashion timetable of dates for starting suppression, stims, retrieval, etc. Fantastic, you cry.
Not fantastic, I cry back. This timetable set us on a collision course with the moveable feast of Easter and the mandatory closedown of my clinic for 2 weeks at the beginning of April.
The 2 weeks where we would be stimming and retrieving. Yep, I call it Pamplemousse's Law. Whatever can go wrong with IVF cycle timing, will do so. It's a law, people!! There should be tablets of stone.
Well-grounded, even-hormoned individuals may well be saying to themselves right this moment...Jeez, what is the problem? So you have to wait another 4 weeks for the next CD1 to roll around! What is wrong with that?
Nothing, nothing...I mutter, sullenly kicking at the ground with the toe of my pointy boots. I am used to it. It's the law.