Pamplemousse

PCOS - check. Infertility - check. IVF - check. 43 years young - check. Sick of babydust - fricking double check. Join a Scottish infertile as she slowly swirls down the plughole. Now with added donor egg flava.

Friday, February 24, 2006

A Thank You from the Dark Side of the Moon

See! That is what happens when I decide to just let rip and let out my inner Pamplemousse to play on this blog. Ugly, ain't she?

She is back locked in her closet again but the loathing and self-hatred are never too far away, usually just under the skin. Truly, I have felt this way since I was about 10 years old. Normally I can jolly things along but there are times when it erupts. That last post was an eruption and yet a peeling away of the polite veneer.

I guess that everyone is like that, to a lesser or greater degree. Whatever pushes your buttons. I am only human and can only endure so much pain. Lots of times I self-censor and hide my feelings and I know that last post was difficult to read. Heck, I cringe when I read it. Welcome to my world.

Of course, the truth about the human condition is that when we are hurt, we want to lash out.

The other day, I could not lash out and hurt the person I wanted to inflict pain upon so the most easy, convenient target was myself. Hence the Great Kitkat Caper of 2006 and the resulting bloodsugar mayhem I wrought upon my body.

Who was my original target, you may ask? Oh, guess who?

Here, in my alternate universe, SiLs are beautiful and divine and it is the IVF co-ordinator who deserves my wrath and vitriol. She dangled before me the tantalising prospect of an early March start to simultaneous downregging with my donor. My donor possesses that wonderful quality that eludes me....a regular cycle so a prospective CD1 of March 1st for my donor could then be used to construct a military fashion timetable of dates for starting suppression, stims, retrieval, etc. Fantastic, you cry.

Not fantastic, I cry back. This timetable set us on a collision course with the moveable feast of Easter and the mandatory closedown of my clinic for 2 weeks at the beginning of April.

The 2 weeks where we would be stimming and retrieving. Yep, I call it Pamplemousse's Law. Whatever can go wrong with IVF cycle timing, will do so. It's a law, people!! There should be tablets of stone.

Well-grounded, even-hormoned individuals may well be saying to themselves right this moment...Jeez, what is the problem? So you have to wait another 4 weeks for the next CD1 to roll around! What is wrong with that?

Nothing, nothing...I mutter, sullenly kicking at the ground with the toe of my pointy boots. I am used to it. It's the law.

22 Comments:

At 9:12 PM, Blogger DD said...

Is the schedule definite? I know you said the donor is reg as clockwork, but I'm hoping there's still some crazy chance in Hades that you don't have to wait. Any of us living our lives based on cycles know there's a BIG difference between 2 weeks and 6 weeks.

 
At 9:27 PM, Anonymous mm said...

Glad you're feeling a little better but man, I don't blame you for feeling off... I went insane every time I was told I'd have to endure another month long wait before I could cyle. Argh. Here's hoping for a scheduling miracle.

 
At 10:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cant the donor go on progesterone support or BCP's to delay her cycle enough so it wont interact with the easter break?

I hope something can work out so you are not delayed a month!

Catherine

 
At 11:06 PM, Blogger Beagle said...

This is all hard enough without the WAITING.

I can relate to the veneer as well. I could tell you that you don't need it here . . . but then I could just as well give myself the assvice.

Sorry for the Easter snafu . . . it's such an eggly holiday.

 
At 11:33 PM, Anonymous amanda said...

Oh, I can see what's wrong with that. Like this crap isn't hard enough without more damn waiting thrown in for good measure. I'm sorry.

 
At 3:25 AM, Blogger PortLairge said...

There's an awful lot wrong with having to wait. Keeping my fingers crossed something can be worked out.

 
At 5:55 AM, Blogger Millie said...

I sooooo know how excruciating every day of delay is right now. I hope your clinic can work something out so you don't have to wait that long. There's a couple of weeks of bcp, going on lupron and hanging out for a bit and prob other choices as well.

And as for your alternative universe there really aren't any beautiful and divine sils, are there? I just can't beleive that.

 
At 8:19 AM, Blogger N said...

ahhh...yes.waiting!!!! Isn't that just perfect? Not! I hate it too, so much!! Telling myself that waiting a bit more or less now won't make a difference any more doesn't help either. Waiting just sucks...so bad...especially when involving an easter bunny, eggs (easter eggs that is) and a closed REs office!

 
At 8:15 PM, Blogger Fertile Soul said...

Hey P, sorry about the wait. That just sucks. It's like slow torture. The Kitkat orgie is COMPLETELY within reason under these circumstances. I find myself having a continuous brownie and cookie orgie during my wait. I think i will look 6 months pregnant by the time i get to cd1.

sigh now that i said the b word, i realize i havent had one in 4 hours.

We all need a good list of things to do while 'waiting' like this.

 
At 8:37 PM, Blogger Donna said...

Sometimes the polite veneer needs to be peeled back so it can vent, otherwise all that's underneath starts to fester. That's what your blog is for! No need to keep it all sunshine and roses here. There does seem to be laws regarding clinic shut-downs and SIL's, now if we can just figure out who is responsible so we can string him up!

 
At 12:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Glad to hear that you are feeling a bit better.
It's always the fucking waiting in this IF game. It drives me crazy too.

 
At 12:14 PM, Anonymous Kath said...

Grooooooooooan. It's always "one more cycle," isn't it? Pass the Kit Kats.

 
At 1:28 PM, Anonymous thalia said...

Oh the wait, the wait. It's killing. You are perfectly within your rights to be angry, to be miserable. It does just suck. I'm sorry sweetie.

 
At 2:06 PM, Anonymous T said...

I do believe you're saying I'm not well-grounded or even tempered my dear! Absolutely reasonable to be infuriated by another set back - absolutely.

I agree with the suggestion of bcps for donor. Here's hoping for you!

 
At 3:11 PM, Blogger Nico said...

Wait wait wait... okay, maybe you can go... NO, STOP! wait wait wait... This is a miserable process. I'm so sorry that it looks like another four weeks has been added to your torture. Here's to martinis and chocolate cake to pass the time!

 
At 6:46 PM, Blogger Mellie said...

Oh my g-d is that entirely frustrating! It's completely understandable that that would set off a bad spell. I like the other ladies' ideas about coasting the donor for a bit to avoid the lab shutdown...

 
At 11:37 PM, Anonymous Manuela said...

Awwww... SHIT!

 
At 3:56 PM, Blogger amyesq said...

Yes, that very much sucks. A month is for-EVER in IF mode. And please feel free to vent any time.

 
At 5:52 PM, Blogger Avonlea said...

Closing down for two weeks? Because of Easter? I don't get it. Isn't Easter all about eggs and bunnies? Wouldn't that be the best time to harvest some eggs, paint them real pretty and put them in our Pamplemousse bunny?

 
At 12:44 AM, Blogger Lisa said...

Grrrrrrr!

 
At 12:58 AM, Blogger Sparkle said...

Sorry that you've had these delays, a total pain.
Maybe you should take the time to spoil yourself - a different treat a week until you get there!

 
At 1:56 PM, Blogger fisher queen said...

I'm sorry I wasn't around to support you for these posts. I so understand the pain of waiting and the taking it out on yourself. It just sucks.

 

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