PCOS - check. Infertility - check. IVF - check. 43 years young - check. Sick of babydust - fricking double check. Join a Scottish infertile as she slowly swirls down the plughole. Now with added donor egg flava.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

To Love is to Bury

Warning...Self-loathing ahead. It ain't pretty.

Feel free to skip on past to a happy blog. I recommend it today.

It has been pelting down hail all day today. It matches my and bitter. I know the days are slowly lengthening and I can see a difference when I leave work but it is so slow! Come on springtime! Please, I beg you.

I am trying to do my best to stave off the blahs but they come round, regular as clockwork. It has a lot to do with the time of year but also the perennial "why can't I have what she's got"? This covers the gamut from pregnancy and children to success on diets to people just being plain happy.

I am in a binge cycle and I cannot gain control. Each day I start off thinking "Not today. I am going to eat right. I do have will-power".

I start off great with some wholegrain cereal or yoghurt and fruit. Sometimes I even make it to lunch without cracking. Today I barely made it past breakfast. I went shopping before work and a packet of 6 chunky Kitkats fell in my basket unnoticed. Can you spot the lie there?

I have eaten them all, one by one. I have added to the heaping disgust by noting that there are 264 calories, 14.6g fat and 25.6g of sugars in each Kitkat. Multiply that by 6.

I feel disgusting and disgusted with myself. I am on my own today in the office so I can indulge in solitary greed without restraint. Of course, I also ate my packed lunch and fruit too. No sense in wasting good food, hmm? The very, very worst thing is that sometimes I even wish I was bulimic so at least I could purge. I truly am sick, sick, sick in the head.

Of course, tomorrow morning when I am lamenting that my trousers do not fit me any longer, I will want to rend my flesh with my own fingernails. This is the time, when I am waiting to start DE treatment, that I should be focusing all my efforts on healthy eating and the loss of 50lbs to get me back to normal. I have put on 15 lbs alone just since Xmas. Why can I not do it? Why do I always have to sabotage myself?

I feel weak and loathsome and disgusting and deep, deep down in my core, I know it is because I will never be normal. I do not feel that I deserve to be normal. I belong in the freak show where the normal people can gawp at me.

I know the endless waiting for treatment and the frustrations are pushing me over the edge.

Some days I am not sure if I am being pushed or if I am jumping.


At 9:12 PM, Blogger DD said...

I never know what to say when someone is so deeply hurting that I fear for them. I know right now you are hurting, but I hope you can find a tiny bit of comfort and warmth in knowing we are there to catch you if you fall. And I know for any of us who could be right there in front of you physically with a shoulder to cry on, we would.

At 9:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's 8am and I've just eaten half a pack of salt and vinegar chips. Yeah, I'm quite repulsed at myself.

I don't know where you are right now, but I understand that it's a horrible frustrating place that you will escape from. Please know there are many people reading your blog who understand but don't always comment because it's soo hard to know what to say.

At 9:57 PM, Anonymous amanda said...

I hear ya. Ever since this last cycle failed, I've let myself eat like total crap since it "makes me feel better." Well, it doesn't really. I just can't freaking stop shoving the junk in my mouth.

I'm so sorry the blahs have got you. You are not a freak, though. Not at all. I really hope you feel better soon.

At 10:15 PM, Blogger Beagle said...

I wish I had a better knack for words. I spent my weekend wailing to C. that this (IF) is happening to us becasue I don't deserve to be happy, I don't deserve to be a mom, I don't deserve a baby.

I can't say everyone feels this way, but you are not alone. All this stress can drive you to the edge.

Food is not a worse vice than any other. I remember doing weight* watchers and using up my "points" by 11 am and wondering what the hell now . . . I gained weight before my wedding instead of losing like most women, and I've gained 30# more since starting IF treatments (in less than 2 yrs).

People find comfort in different ways and many of those ways are are unhealthy. Don't be too hard on yourself. I ache for you because I have been in the self loathing place and it is very painful and damaging. Just trust us out here to tell you that you are a fantastic woman.

This WILL get better and spring WILL come.

At 10:18 PM, Anonymous T said...

I remember all too well being deep down in that pit of despair with the ever present black cloud above and the self-loathing. And I'm so sorry. Sometimes it takes time, sometimes it takes a heave and a shove, sometimes it takes seeing someone to help you over the hump. Whatever it takes for you, I hope it happens soon.

We are here for you.

At 10:37 PM, Blogger Mellie said...

Normal? Who the hell is normal? There's no such thing. You're doing the best you can and it's way better than a lot of people could do. Honestly. I know it's hard to see the light now, but there's a bright one shining on you - look at all of us here who care about you without ever meeting you in person! Here's hoping you find your way into the light real soon.

At 11:04 PM, Blogger Avonlea said...

I've had my share of chocolate days too, don't beat yourself up over it.

South Beach diet has really helped me control my cravings, so has increasing my glucophage. But what SB also did was teach me how to have my chocolate and not wear it on my butt too. There's hot cocoa with splenda - skim milk, ricotta cheese with splenda, cocoa and vanilla, chocolate mouse mix with splenda. I've seen some slow but steady progress on the scale. The first two weeks of the diet is the hardest but it's really good for diabetics - because it's all about glycemic load after the first two weeks.

Spring happens, sometimes not so much around you up north there - but perhaps you need to come back here to your computer to find the warmth and light you crave - and when you do, we'll be here.

At 12:50 AM, Blogger the waiting line said...

I hear ya.

Wish I could send you a little bit of sun (from Arizona, U.S.), and you could send me some frick'in rain.

. . . sending you warm, sunny thoughts.

At 1:42 AM, Blogger chris said...

We've all done it. You'll get a handle on it soon. At least you ate your lunch too and didn't decide that you'd save calories by skipping the fruit. Which I have done, sadly.

Hang in there, dearie.

At 1:52 AM, Blogger Millie said...

I can relate to this post and your feelings all too well. I'm trying to do as good as I can for my next de cycle but I really don't care and would rather just eat chocolate cake and chocolate anything else non-stop.

Today was another one of my blah days where nothing got done and my house is in horrible shape and I just don't care.

I hope spring gets here soon. I hope the endless waiting turns into a real cycle soon for you.

At 2:37 AM, Anonymous Lynnette said...

You are depressed. Don't beat yourself up about it. Do your best, that's all you can ask of yourself, right now. I'm sure we'll all be feeling better when Spring comes, and there are new things to look forward to. Like some good eggs for a change, eh? If it makes you feel any better, I went grocery shopping tonight (after my shot...) with cramps, bought about 20 Lean Cuisine frozen dinners (mp cooking while the house is for sale) and a nice little box of Reese's Peanut Butter Cup COOKIES... and that was afer my friend let me try all these new candies at her house, that I didn't even know existed! Peanut Butter M & M's, Dark Chocolate Milky Way, & Dark Chocolate Nestle Crunch Stix. I pretended I was a 3 year-old and needed a treat because of my shot. Sheesh! BTW, not to be an enabler or anything, but I can get you a really good deal on those UK KitKats...Hugs, sweetie...

At 3:07 AM, Anonymous julianna said...

It's the kitchen damnit!!!! (kidding, of course)

Hang in there sweetie, all of this is so difficult.

Thinking of you,

At 4:19 AM, Blogger Lisa said...

Oh, sweets. I just feel for you...I know what you're feeling and I've been there too many times. Take care and try to find some kindness for yourself.

At 8:43 AM, Anonymous thalia said...

We've all done things like this. It doesn't in any way make you a bad person. I remember all those years when I was really fat, eating because that was the only way I had to be nice to myself. It took 15 years of being really overweight before I found the will power to lose it -and now I've regained half of it!

You're going through a horrible, depressing time in your life. You've had to give up the thought of a child who is biologically related to you. There's mourning that needs to be done.

The worst thing you can do is beat yourself up about this. You're already feeling bad, why add to that? It happened, it's not the end of the world, it doesn't have to happen again. But if it does, that's not the end of the world either.

We love you, sweetie.

At 9:18 AM, Anonymous wessel said...

I hear you. I feel the same way about myself.

If I may suggest something: try not having cereal and fruit at breakfast, but instead, have scrambled or hardboiled eggs and/or lean sausage. That will stabilize your blood sugar first thing in the morning and help you to remain stable throughout the day. Starting the day with carbs and fruit sugars only sets your insulin/glucose ping pong game into motion, and leads to more sugar cravings. Have you read South Beath or Atkin yet? SB is healthier than Atkin, but Dr. Atkin explains the science behind glucose and fat metabolism very well and is worth the read. Both diets have a similar premise, although as I said, SB is healthier -- eliminate or strictly reduce refined carbohydrates and eat more lean protein and vegetables. I can speak from experience that it will help you control your cravings.

Good luck! And remember, "After all, tomorrow IS another day!"

At 10:49 AM, Blogger DrSpouse said...

I don't know you that well, but I know exactly how you are feeling. From my experience, the eating is a symptom, not a cause, but it doesn't help you feel good about yourself. I only started losing weight when I felt good about myself.

In your position I would not even try to eat "sensibly" or attempt to diet - you probably need to talk to someone other than your lovely internet friends about this - I don't know your history but if you haven't got anyone regular then your GP will refer you to a clinical psych.

You are not a bad person. You are just sad.

At 10:58 AM, Blogger MC said...

I'm sorry that you are going through this. For six or seven years I was overweight and depressed. I had low self esteem and hated my life. A friend at work invited me to go to weight watchers with her and it worked for me. It took me 7 months to lose 21 kilos. Apart from 2-3 kilos because of IVF I haven't looked back. I actually only counted points at the start . I eat what I want, especially on weekends and don't deny myself anything. I used to have good food/ bad food thoughts all the time. Now I don't think like that. I also know that the urge to binge somes when I'm unhappy like all this IF stuff. I hope this doesn't sound like arsevice. Hope things pick up for you.

At 5:18 PM, Blogger Kellie said...

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time right now. You are sad and deserve to be sad.

Hugs to you and hope that things get better. If they don't, then you should find someone to talk to, if you don't already have someone that is.

At 6:47 PM, Anonymous Manuela said...

Oh, darlin'... I soooo understand your pain right now. I could have written that self-same post a hundred times over the last couple of years. It seems like just a bitter unending cycle, doesn't it??

For me... it was... hate myself for being fat... convince myself this is the REAL reason I'm infertile... desparately want to feel some sort of comfort... take a bite and feel immediate relief... swallow and then immediately hate myself for being a non-committed sloth with no self-control... I've blown it now... I may as well eat anyway... feel envy for people whose eating disorders involve purging and being anorexic... go back to hating myself for being fat... and so the cycle would start again...

That's what MY low days looked like... envy of anorexics??? Yah... more than once or twice.

Maybe sharing my own stuff isn't the right thing to say... but P... I wish there were something I could offer besides understanding. Is there ANYTHING I can do to help???

At 9:15 PM, Anonymous Orodemniades said...

Yes, the comfort eating. I've been doing it for at least 6 months, and it sucks, makes everything just ten times worse, because, if you can't get pregnant, at least you can be thin, right?

I don't know about your town, but I'm telling you that no-where else in the world will you come acrss so many pregnant women and babies all. day. long.

At 2:25 AM, Blogger PortLairge said...

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. I hope spring comes soon in bonny Scotland and your donor egg cycle comes soon too.

At 4:03 AM, Blogger Fertile Soul said...

You're entitled to feel bad and resort to eating, which is so comforting during that slippery slide into the abyss of bad feelings. Dont get down on yourself for trying your best to cope with the situation. DE is no walk in the park, and you're entitled to a little mourning.

Take care and God bless.

At 3:34 PM, Blogger zhl said...

Hi, P, I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time right now. There are so many things going on in your life, and not a lot of them are what you want.

My binge of choice is chocolate chip cookies, raw or cooked. I'm not recommending this but just wanted to let you know we've all been there.

Hang in there.

p.s. Split my airfare and I'll come clean your house. I can't promise you'll be happy with the results, but it would be something I could do for you.

At 6:28 PM, Blogger Katie (WannaBeMom) said...

Oh Pamplemousse... If I get Mrs. Sloucombe and her pussy, would that help?

I had some cries in my eyes here. I think we all know what you mean. I make promise to myself that I break all the time. For example, I promised myself if I got a good beta, I would start eating right all the time. And this morning I think I ate 10 doughnut holes. And then I had to edit photos all morning of my fat face for our company website.

I don't think I'm the only one who identified with you here very strongly. Sometimes I wonder if we're all more united in feelings like these than our fertility struggles. Although, I think this is part and parcel.

The weather doesn't help either. I wish I could come there and hug you.

At 6:51 PM, Blogger Claudia said...

Yeah boy, can I relate. After yet another infertility-related disappointment I'd alternately starve myself or binge on whatever the hell I wanted. I was punishing my body for being so uncooperative, so useless.

Hang in there, spring is just around the corner. You're in a tough place, no doubt about it, but your reaction is completely understandable. Be as forgiving of yourself as you can, dear. Thinking of you...

At 10:41 PM, Blogger April said...

You're in my thoughts.

At 1:07 PM, Anonymous Kath said...

I'm so sorry, Pamplemousse. What you write sounds so eerily familiar (down to the envying of bulimics), and it is one of the worst feelings I have ever felt. I wish I could help you out of this hole. Please try to be kind to yourself and don't expect too much. You are suffering, and what you need is kindness and not more guilt and shame. Is there anyone in "real life" you can talk to about this? Anyone who has been through this herself?

At 5:18 PM, Blogger Demeter said...

Sometimes we are down, but the good thing is that sometimes we are UP. This will pass. Your kitchen should be a good distraction to the blues. Here is cold and dreary too. I wish we were all in an island of babies we can take care of, and be catered too! Ok, ok, dreaming is free!

At 10:12 PM, Blogger moo said...

Hi, Thanks for your comment on my dreary (of late) blog. We must chat as our circumstances seem very like. 40, failed IVF, crach and burn before IVF,TTC forever. I don't have PCOS..but other than that..I'm right there. In fact, I don;t know what I have but something clearly is f'd up.
I'm thinking of you..hang in there

Thanks for supporting me. MOO

PS pamplemousse is grapefuit, is that right? Am testing my recall of millions years ago French


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