Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

I can feel the black hole whispering to me "Come down here, its nice and cosy in the dark".

I can feel the pull of the jimjams, the bad eating, the sloth and lethargy and the oblivion at the bottom of the pit. No more cares or woes. Just darkness and silence and the long cold winter approaching.

The follow-up appointment after the last abortive IVF went exactly as I had presumed it would. A faint glimmer of hope was caused by my consultant wanting to see me as soon as possible and I wondered if that was because it meant I would be cycling again. A bucket of water was soon poured over that idea.

Cycling?? Yeah, only if it is astride a bicycle!!!

That last effort was my ovaries final chance to redeem themselves and the fact that they could not step up to the plate and they took a dive means it is all over for them. One cycle abandoned with nothing to transfer is unlucky but two? Just evil wilfullness. They knew exactly what they were doing.

The blood tests confirmed it. No more IVF for me. Menopause here I come. Donor eggs have been discussed but I am not clear on whether we will take that path. I don't know whether I want to just finally stop. The weariness is overwhelming and it all seems like such an effort. I can no longer remember why I commenced this long march. I am less than 2 weeks from my 40th birthday and I seem to have done nothing else this past decade than fret about my ovaries.

I read other blogs about retrievals and countless embryos and pregnancies and feel completely removed from it all. I guess that there has to be a cautionary tale about how IVF is not the be all and end all to solve infertility problems. And guess what?? I was never really surprised to find out that mine would be the cautionary tale. Deep down, I knew the ending of this book before it was written.

I am hoping that they need another bearded lady to join Lila on Carnivale. She must be lonely without Lodz.

I always wanted to run away to join the circus

Yeah, yeah, Amy! Stop nagging me!! I have been back for days, I know.

Man, the jetlag is kicking my butt! I have been back at work since Monday and I can hardly get my head off my desk.

It does not help that I am having extremely vivid dreams/nightmares every night that I am on a hospital ship and all that separates me from unspeakable things is the pull-round curtain. How would I know? I have never been on one. It is freaking me out. I do sleepwalk a lot, to the usual accompaniment of vivid dreams but thankfully I have been confined to bed only during these film noirs. I think it is definitely the jetlag.

Our trip was ace. It was just the antidote Mr P and I needed but the trouble is that as soon as I am back home, all the IVF crap comes flooding back with all the attendant bad feelings. I did not think about it at all whilst away. This was due to being too busy self-medicating (sucking down Tim Horton's iced cappuccinos at least twice a day, complete with doughnuts and dutchies). When I fall off the no sugar/no caffeine wagon, I really fall and hit hard!

The highlights of my trip were the cabin where we stayed for a week near Lake Huron, the fulfillment of my dream to finally see the Cirque de Soleil (on their last day in Toronto) and our final stay in Toronto in the utmost swankiness. The bed in the hotel room was so big that I almost broke my neck getting in and out of it. I felt like the princess and the pea.

After all the communing with nature and swimming and hiking, I was ready for some big city time. We shopped, ate, drank strawberry daiquiris and Heineken, shopped some more. The Film Festival was on and I star spotted Charlize Theron and Jake Gyllenhaal ouside the Intercontinental on Bloor West. And the weather!!! It was fantastic, especially the second week where the temp stayed around 30c. Needless to say, I was thrilled to be told by the pilot coming home that the temp at Glasgow Airport was only 10c. My heart (and toes) shrivelled at the thought.

The house was cold when we got home too. It certainly looks like summer is gone here. My Japanese maple is turning already. I was glad that I managed to have a final summer fling in Canada.

When the Going gets Tough...the Tough go on Holiday

I have spent this week hunkered down in my jimjams. Today is the first day that I have not spotted or shed some "debris". I hate to think what went on up there.

I refused a follow-up consultation this week with the consultant doctor as I could not gather up the will to leave the house. I know what the talk will be about. I will go and see her but it will be after we come back. Maybe then I will be more ready to hear it.

I am thinking "diminished egg supply" or "premature ovarian failure" or "early menopause" or just plain "you suck".

Mr P had taken time off to tend to my every whim and need. He is such a lovely man and it breaks my heart to see him so affected by this too. It was his idea to go away. It was almost a week here on the West Coast but instead a good deal came up to go here.

I know, I know...bit of a contrast but these people have not yet opened in Arisaig.

So..2 weeks in Canada, eh? We leave tomorrow and I hope you all behave whilst I am away.