Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

I can feel the black hole whispering to me "Come down here, its nice and cosy in the dark".

I can feel the pull of the jimjams, the bad eating, the sloth and lethargy and the oblivion at the bottom of the pit. No more cares or woes. Just darkness and silence and the long cold winter approaching.

The follow-up appointment after the last abortive IVF went exactly as I had presumed it would. A faint glimmer of hope was caused by my consultant wanting to see me as soon as possible and I wondered if that was because it meant I would be cycling again. A bucket of water was soon poured over that idea.

Cycling?? Yeah, only if it is astride a bicycle!!!

That last effort was my ovaries final chance to redeem themselves and the fact that they could not step up to the plate and they took a dive means it is all over for them. One cycle abandoned with nothing to transfer is unlucky but two? Just evil wilfullness. They knew exactly what they were doing.

The blood tests confirmed it. No more IVF for me. Menopause here I come. Donor eggs have been discussed but I am not clear on whether we will take that path. I don't know whether I want to just finally stop. The weariness is overwhelming and it all seems like such an effort. I can no longer remember why I commenced this long march. I am less than 2 weeks from my 40th birthday and I seem to have done nothing else this past decade than fret about my ovaries.

I read other blogs about retrievals and countless embryos and pregnancies and feel completely removed from it all. I guess that there has to be a cautionary tale about how IVF is not the be all and end all to solve infertility problems. And guess what?? I was never really surprised to find out that mine would be the cautionary tale. Deep down, I knew the ending of this book before it was written.

I am hoping that they need another bearded lady to join Lila on Carnivale. She must be lonely without Lodz.