Pamplemousse

PCOS - check. Infertility - check. IVF - check. 43 years young - check. Sick of babydust - fricking double check. Join a Scottish infertile as she slowly swirls down the plughole. Now with added donor egg flava.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

I can feel the black hole whispering to me "Come down here, its nice and cosy in the dark".

I can feel the pull of the jimjams, the bad eating, the sloth and lethargy and the oblivion at the bottom of the pit. No more cares or woes. Just darkness and silence and the long cold winter approaching.

The follow-up appointment after the last abortive IVF went exactly as I had presumed it would. A faint glimmer of hope was caused by my consultant wanting to see me as soon as possible and I wondered if that was because it meant I would be cycling again. A bucket of water was soon poured over that idea.

Cycling?? Yeah, only if it is astride a bicycle!!!

That last effort was my ovaries final chance to redeem themselves and the fact that they could not step up to the plate and they took a dive means it is all over for them. One cycle abandoned with nothing to transfer is unlucky but two? Just evil wilfullness. They knew exactly what they were doing.

The blood tests confirmed it. No more IVF for me. Menopause here I come. Donor eggs have been discussed but I am not clear on whether we will take that path. I don't know whether I want to just finally stop. The weariness is overwhelming and it all seems like such an effort. I can no longer remember why I commenced this long march. I am less than 2 weeks from my 40th birthday and I seem to have done nothing else this past decade than fret about my ovaries.

I read other blogs about retrievals and countless embryos and pregnancies and feel completely removed from it all. I guess that there has to be a cautionary tale about how IVF is not the be all and end all to solve infertility problems. And guess what?? I was never really surprised to find out that mine would be the cautionary tale. Deep down, I knew the ending of this book before it was written.

I am hoping that they need another bearded lady to join Lila on Carnivale. She must be lonely without Lodz.

24 Comments:

At 6:16 PM, Anonymous thalia said...

Oh sweetie I'm so sorry you've ended up in this place, in this ending to the book. Of course it may not be the end, and you just need to give yourself time to figure out what that might mean. I'm just very very sorry that this happened to you.

 
At 7:23 PM, Blogger TK said...

I'm so sorry. It hurts so much when it doesn't work, because we always dare to hope that it will. Hope you can find some sunshine soon.

 
At 8:29 PM, Blogger wessel said...

Oh no. I'm so sorry. It's so difficult to come to the end of the road and not know which way to turn, and to know that the only direction you want to go in is the one that has been signed "DEAD END."

Well, if you have any questions about DE or just need to talk, you know where to find me.

And about IVF, you know, I had gotten my hopes up about IVF but in reality, I have gotten pregnant more times naturally than with IVF, so I'm not impressed with the procedure anymore. Just because IVF didn't work does not mean that you cannot still get pregnant. (Of course, if someone has no tubes or needs ICSI, then IVF is all there is.)

Sigh. The only flicker of light I can hold out to you is that with time, the grief and disappointment does lessen a bit. But I think that it will always hurt.

 
At 8:34 PM, Blogger wessel said...

One more thought--have you heard of IVM, in vitro maturation? It is a procedure that is especially meant for women with PCOS, because they have a lot of immature eggs and are difficult to stimulate. I do not know what your bloodwork results were or why the clinic is so hopeless regarding your case, but maybe IVM is still a possibility. Millie over at Out Damned Egg is looking into it. It's where they retrieve the eggs early in the cycle, when they are still immature, and mature them in the lab. No gonadotropins are used, which might help the egg quality a bit. Her clinic said they have had some situations where poor responders had a better outcome using IVM.

 
At 8:53 PM, Blogger MsPrufrock said...

I'm sorry. I'm so ignorant when it comes to all of the technical stuff, so I won't bother prattling on about nothing. I just wanted to say *something*.

 
At 9:03 PM, Blogger Mellie said...

Dearest P, I wish your book didn't have to go this route. If it is the end as you say, then I'm looking forward to reading the sequel because for someone like you there's bound to be much happiness and fun, even if it comes from the most unexpected sources. Sending you hugs...

 
At 9:20 PM, Blogger Susie said...

I'm so sorry. I don't know how else to say it, but I am sorry. I hope things won't look this bleak for long.

 
At 10:47 PM, Anonymous amanda said...

I am so sorry. So very sorry.

 
At 1:33 AM, Blogger Millie said...

I'm so very sorry you're in this place. It's really horrible. I know how devastating it can be to not make it to transfer.

I never thought ivf would up my chances very much. I think it's great for lots of women but I'm not nearly that lucky.

Wessel is right in that I'm thinking about ivm. I'm happy to share any and all info with you. I'm also moving towards DE and there is strength in numbers.

I wish there was something I could say that would at least getting you signing a different tune, for just a bit. What about Cecilia? Or Kodachome? Those are a couple of my favs.

 
At 3:09 AM, Anonymous Jenn said...

I'm sorry. Very sorry. *hugs*

 
At 3:31 AM, Anonymous Julianna said...

I am so very sorry.

 
At 2:09 PM, Blogger Ivy O said...

Really, really sorry that it didn't work for you. It's SO hard to think that this might be the end -- take some time to heal before you make any final decisions.

Ivy

 
At 4:11 PM, Blogger mm said...

I'm so very sorry.

 
At 4:47 PM, Blogger wessel said...

Millie, or how about:

"In the clearing stands a boxer, and a fighter by [her] trade,
and [she] carries the reminders
of ev'ry glove that laid [her] down and cut [her] 'till [she] cried out in [her] anger and [her] shame
“I am leaving, I am leaving” But the fighter still remains . . . "

 
At 7:28 PM, Blogger Donna said...

As someone who is a tiny bit further down the end of the road, I can honestly say I know what you are feeling. We never considered DE, it was basically our baby or no baby. More than six months later the sadness still overwhelms me often, but for shorter periods of time. We're all here for you.

 
At 9:05 PM, Blogger LEB said...

I just wanted to chime in with an 'I'm sorry too', I know it won't help but it is heart felt.

 
At 11:07 PM, Blogger Ova Girl said...

I'm so sorry. It's not fair.

 
At 12:11 AM, Blogger Lisa said...

Just terrible.I'm so sorry. Do allow yourself to wallow a bit - if this doesn't derserve some jimjam time and treats I don't know what does. This is a life changing moment, don't let anyone tell you to "get over it and move on" until you're good and ready.

 
At 4:58 PM, Blogger amyesq said...

I am so damn sorry. I really don't know that there is much else to say that this point. It just sucks. And like Wessel said, if you want to talk, you know where to find me, too. I wish I could scoot in next to you on the couch for a bit.

 
At 10:34 PM, Blogger MC said...

I'm so sorry. I feel pissed off and sad on your behalf. I hate the unfiarness of it all.

 
At 4:31 AM, Blogger tania said...

So very very sorry.

Take good care of yourself and do what you need to do in your own time to get through this.

 
At 12:13 PM, Anonymous Orodemniades said...

I don't know what to say apart from a pathetic 'I'm sorry'. Pathetic, because it doesn't encompass what I wish I could say without sounding like an asshat. Nonetheless...I'm sorry.

 
At 6:49 PM, Blogger zhl said...

I'm so sorry, P. I'm sorry it's not what you wanted, I'm sorry it's so unfair, and I'm sorry that there's no magic wand to wave to ease your sorrow.

 
At 11:15 AM, Blogger ankaisa said...

I hope you can resist the calling of that darkness. But I know how hard that is. I'm so very, very sorry, and no words can really make you feel any better.

 

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