Pamplemousse

PCOS - check. Infertility - check. IVF - check. 43 years young - check. Sick of babydust - fricking double check. Join a Scottish infertile as she slowly swirls down the plughole. Now with added donor egg flava.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

I can feel the black hole whispering to me "Come down here, its nice and cosy in the dark".

I can feel the pull of the jimjams, the bad eating, the sloth and lethargy and the oblivion at the bottom of the pit. No more cares or woes. Just darkness and silence and the long cold winter approaching.

The follow-up appointment after the last abortive IVF went exactly as I had presumed it would. A faint glimmer of hope was caused by my consultant wanting to see me as soon as possible and I wondered if that was because it meant I would be cycling again. A bucket of water was soon poured over that idea.

Cycling?? Yeah, only if it is astride a bicycle!!!

That last effort was my ovaries final chance to redeem themselves and the fact that they could not step up to the plate and they took a dive means it is all over for them. One cycle abandoned with nothing to transfer is unlucky but two? Just evil wilfullness. They knew exactly what they were doing.

The blood tests confirmed it. No more IVF for me. Menopause here I come. Donor eggs have been discussed but I am not clear on whether we will take that path. I don't know whether I want to just finally stop. The weariness is overwhelming and it all seems like such an effort. I can no longer remember why I commenced this long march. I am less than 2 weeks from my 40th birthday and I seem to have done nothing else this past decade than fret about my ovaries.

I read other blogs about retrievals and countless embryos and pregnancies and feel completely removed from it all. I guess that there has to be a cautionary tale about how IVF is not the be all and end all to solve infertility problems. And guess what?? I was never really surprised to find out that mine would be the cautionary tale. Deep down, I knew the ending of this book before it was written.

I am hoping that they need another bearded lady to join Lila on Carnivale. She must be lonely without Lodz.

16 Comments:

At 6:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh sweetie I'm so sorry you've ended up in this place, in this ending to the book. Of course it may not be the end, and you just need to give yourself time to figure out what that might mean. I'm just very very sorry that this happened to you.

 
At 7:23 PM, Blogger TK said...

I'm so sorry. It hurts so much when it doesn't work, because we always dare to hope that it will. Hope you can find some sunshine soon.

 
At 8:53 PM, Blogger MsPrufrock said...

I'm sorry. I'm so ignorant when it comes to all of the technical stuff, so I won't bother prattling on about nothing. I just wanted to say *something*.

 
At 9:03 PM, Blogger Mellie said...

Dearest P, I wish your book didn't have to go this route. If it is the end as you say, then I'm looking forward to reading the sequel because for someone like you there's bound to be much happiness and fun, even if it comes from the most unexpected sources. Sending you hugs...

 
At 9:20 PM, Blogger Susie said...

I'm so sorry. I don't know how else to say it, but I am sorry. I hope things won't look this bleak for long.

 
At 10:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so sorry. So very sorry.

 
At 3:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sorry. Very sorry. *hugs*

 
At 3:31 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so very sorry.

 
At 7:28 PM, Blogger Donna said...

As someone who is a tiny bit further down the end of the road, I can honestly say I know what you are feeling. We never considered DE, it was basically our baby or no baby. More than six months later the sadness still overwhelms me often, but for shorter periods of time. We're all here for you.

 
At 11:07 PM, Blogger OvaGirl said...

I'm so sorry. It's not fair.

 
At 12:11 AM, Blogger Lisa said...

Just terrible.I'm so sorry. Do allow yourself to wallow a bit - if this doesn't derserve some jimjam time and treats I don't know what does. This is a life changing moment, don't let anyone tell you to "get over it and move on" until you're good and ready.

 
At 4:58 PM, Blogger Amyesq said...

I am so damn sorry. I really don't know that there is much else to say that this point. It just sucks. And like Wessel said, if you want to talk, you know where to find me, too. I wish I could scoot in next to you on the couch for a bit.

 
At 10:34 PM, Blogger MC said...

I'm so sorry. I feel pissed off and sad on your behalf. I hate the unfiarness of it all.

 
At 12:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know what to say apart from a pathetic 'I'm sorry'. Pathetic, because it doesn't encompass what I wish I could say without sounding like an asshat. Nonetheless...I'm sorry.

 
At 6:49 PM, Blogger zhl said...

I'm so sorry, P. I'm sorry it's not what you wanted, I'm sorry it's so unfair, and I'm sorry that there's no magic wand to wave to ease your sorrow.

 
At 11:15 AM, Blogger ankaisa said...

I hope you can resist the calling of that darkness. But I know how hard that is. I'm so very, very sorry, and no words can really make you feel any better.

 

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