PCOS - check. Infertility - check. IVF - check. 43 years young - check. Sick of babydust - fricking double check. Join a Scottish infertile as she slowly swirls down the plughole. Now with added donor egg flava.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

I Never Promised You A Rose Garden......

....but I shall have one soon.

My garden is unusual in that there are currently no roses in it. Who knows why? I have gardened here and lived in this house for over 7 years and I have planted loads of other things but no roses.

Today I took myself to the garden centre and bought 4. Just a start but I still have garden vouchers to spend. There will be more. But today I picked some beauties to start off with. The garden is bleak right now, apart from the mahonia and the snowdrops and the winter flowering jasmine.

These roses have a promise to fulfil.

Even better, these normally expensive roses were half-price so I got a bargain. Love it. To celebrate, we then took ourselves off for brunch at our favourite place. I had my beloved smokie scrambled eggs with wholemeal toast, followed by a cinnamon and apple scone and a latte. It has never stopped raining all day but frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

I have lots of wispy, half-formed blog posts floating about in my noggin but struggling hard to find the time. Work and life are conspiring against me but I am doing good, don't worry. The 1st of February passed without incident, otherwise known as the due date.

I considered taking the day off but then I thought "What for???. To sit at home and mither and weep??? The buggery hell I will. I did enough of that shit last year. No more!!!".

The internal pep talk worked and it was a normal day. I allowed myself to think about it briefly whilst I had my latte and sarnies at lunch but otherwise, I did not let myself dwell. I have had enough of that. It is in the past...finished.

I will never forget but I cannot let myself remember. The anger and bitterness and sorrow almost consumed me but I am still here. I still breathe, I still laugh, I still smile. There are no visible scars.

I see a family with young toddlers and I force myself to think "What a lovely family".

I see a pregnant woman and I force myself to think "How exciting for her".

I force myself to substitute sweet thoughts for the ugly ones. At times, it does not come easily and I want to let the jealousy and bitterness flood through me like a river of bile. But I do not let it. The only person it hurts is me, myself and I.

When I let the bile out of the cage, it reinforces my self-loathing and it is just a vicious spiral from there. Instead I am going to nurture my roses and smile at the world. It makes it a healthier, better place for me to be.

Sometimes I am not even pretending to smile. It is a real one, with teeth and everything.


At 12:03 AM, Blogger Bumble said...

This was a lovely post, and one I definately needed to read. Too often I let my own self pitying get the better of me. I also spent too much of last year moping and crying and its time to move on and smile (with teeth and everything!) Thanks for that!

At 1:01 AM, Blogger Millie said...

Those roses are all so gorgeous.

I'm so glad you survived your due date and had a normal day of it. Here's to many more real smiles. Did you know the biggest key to a real smile is a cheek raise? Yup, I used to code smiles in an infant lab. That's how you fake it. But I'm very glad to hear you aren't having to fake it.

What are smokie scrambled eggs? Do they involve cigarettes? Or some kind of bear?

At 1:23 AM, Blogger Jess said...

Oh, you sound so good. I'm glad your forcing yourself, and it's working!! SO happy to hear about your real smiles!! :D

At 2:14 AM, Anonymous Flicka said...

"with teeth and everything..." You don't know how much I needed to read that right now. I'm having a hard time showing my teeth today in anything other than a snarl and tears.

Good luck with your roses, dear. The first year we bought our house, I got a half-dead bargain rose bush at a local store. I'd always heard roses were hard to grow and I figured if the bush croaked, I could always blame it on the fact that it was sub-par and not my own ineptitude. That same bush is entering its third spring and is now taller than me. I give the first rose of each season away to someone special. Now I have four more bushes and I'm addicted! I wish you an addiction, too. :-)

At 2:25 AM, Blogger linda said...

It is so hard to look at a family or a pregnant woman and smile. I have to force myself a lot of the times, too. So if you're doing it, teeth or not, it speaks volumes, doesn't it?


At 3:28 AM, Anonymous Kath said...

Dear Pamplemousse, those roses are lovely. And I am so glad to read that you are smiling again after the terrible pain of last year. I hope the smile becomes more plentiful and less forced with every coming day.

At 6:24 AM, Anonymous shazz said...

Your taking the next step!!

At 2:50 PM, Blogger Beagle said...

You have my admiration.

The statement that hit me most was: "I force myself to substitute sweet thoughts for the ugly ones. At times, it does not come easily and I want to let the jealousy and bitterness flood through me like a river of bile. But I do not let it. The only person it hurts is me, myself and I."

I think I need to follow your example on this one.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and good luck with the roses. If you know anyone with a rabbit, their poop is the best thing ever for roses!

At 4:22 PM, Anonymous Silene said...

I love this post. So glad to hear you are keeping happy thoughts and, er, smelling the roses. Thinking of you.

At 6:25 PM, Blogger Thalia said...

The roses look gorgeous. We've been given two rosebushes but nothing as lovely as those.

Congratulations on getting through the due date, that's some hard shit right there. And a real smile? You're a gracious woman, my friend.

At 7:30 PM, Blogger Lut C. said...

I was just going to post with a plea for help on how to stop the self-pity.

Roses are not for me, I can kill so-called bachelor-proof plants.

As far as substition is concerned, practice makes perfect.

It's good to hear you're doing well and you made it throug the due date in one piece.

At 9:17 PM, Blogger DD said...

Hmmm. How come my "teeth showing" during what I think as a smile comes across as a snarl? OH! Because it is a snarl!

I wish I could see you smile. Why not a picture? Just for me, pretty please?

At 12:10 PM, Anonymous Karen said...

De-lurking to say... Wow, that was a great post. You are so right. I'm going to try the same. Nothing to lose I suppose.
I'm pleased you are feeling a bit better and I hope the smiles continue and increase.

At 6:19 PM, Blogger Vivien said...

Ah - roses - I love them too - we had 6 climbing ones for a wedding present and I keep buying more and MORE and they are SO WORTH IT!

There is something about a rose - thorny beauty that thrives nonetheless under a lot of horsesh*t.

Remind you of anything?

At 12:23 AM, Anonymous T said...

Wow, very impressive my dear,very! You're a better woman than me, but we knew that didn't we?

I'm so glad you're doing well and the day passed mostly without incident.

At 4:17 PM, Anonymous N said...

You know. I started to cry while reading your post. Sobbing actually. About the smiling part, with the teeth...oh I KNOW how that is for you. I am there too and just wish I could meet you for coffe for an afternoon and we would smile at one another...with teeth and everything. For real.

At 3:32 AM, Blogger Kris said...

I hope to be where you are someday. Hmm.. a genuine smile....

At 3:51 AM, Blogger Jennifer said...

at a girl!

At 2:11 AM, Blogger Coloratura said...

Hello Pamplemousse... I was hoping to stop by to find happier news... but I can relate to your bitterness. I find it hard too sometimes... daydreaming about holding a friend's soon to be newborn only made me cry... great, let's cry on a baby, I'm thinking... jesus.

I'm sorry things are not what you want. I hope you will continue to find strength and courage somehow. It's not easy. I know.

Take care, my dear...


Post a Comment

<< Home