I Never Promised You A Rose Garden......

....but I shall have one soon.

My garden is unusual in that there are currently no roses in it. Who knows why? I have gardened here and lived in this house for over 7 years and I have planted loads of other things but no roses.

Today I took myself to the garden centre and bought 4. Just a start but I still have garden vouchers to spend. There will be more. But today I picked some beauties to start off with. The garden is bleak right now, apart from the mahonia and the snowdrops and the winter flowering jasmine.

These roses have a promise to fulfil.

Even better, these normally expensive roses were half-price so I got a bargain. Love it. To celebrate, we then took ourselves off for brunch at our favourite place. I had my beloved smokie scrambled eggs with wholemeal toast, followed by a cinnamon and apple scone and a latte. It has never stopped raining all day but frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

I have lots of wispy, half-formed blog posts floating about in my noggin but struggling hard to find the time. Work and life are conspiring against me but I am doing good, don't worry. The 1st of February passed without incident, otherwise known as the due date.

I considered taking the day off but then I thought "What for???. To sit at home and mither and weep??? The buggery hell I will. I did enough of that shit last year. No more!!!".

The internal pep talk worked and it was a normal day. I allowed myself to think about it briefly whilst I had my latte and sarnies at lunch but otherwise, I did not let myself dwell. I have had enough of that. It is in the past...finished.

I will never forget but I cannot let myself remember. The anger and bitterness and sorrow almost consumed me but I am still here. I still breathe, I still laugh, I still smile. There are no visible scars.

I see a family with young toddlers and I force myself to think "What a lovely family".

I see a pregnant woman and I force myself to think "How exciting for her".

I force myself to substitute sweet thoughts for the ugly ones. At times, it does not come easily and I want to let the jealousy and bitterness flood through me like a river of bile. But I do not let it. The only person it hurts is me, myself and I.

When I let the bile out of the cage, it reinforces my self-loathing and it is just a vicious spiral from there. Instead I am going to nurture my roses and smile at the world. It makes it a healthier, better place for me to be.

Sometimes I am not even pretending to smile. It is a real one, with teeth and everything.