Chasing Cars

Yes, I am still alive. Just.

A vicious workload + a stinking, snotty, ear-blocking, voice-losing cold + the onset of the period whose cost per day of bleeding could have kept me in Mulberry handbags for a long, long time have all conspired to completely dissuade me from blogging, nor visit your blogs, nor check my e-mail or even think about all these things. I am one of those stripy humbugs, personified.

I may return to normal soon or I may not. What have I been doing? Apart from the above, watching DVDs, the first season of Curb Your Enthusiasm and the second season of the Wire. Both equally brilliant for opposite reasons but ye gods, I am truly the female Larry David. Believe me, it is uncanny.

I don't have the Camper shoes though.

Pregnancy-Free Zone

The good doc wanted me to keep testing until I was 14 days past transfer which I dutifully did. Yesterday's final 2 tests are still on the bedroom window ledge, placed there for optimum daylight to highlight the one glaring line on each test. I have finally ceased all the drugs and let go of the embryonic dream.

Thursday was the day that reality set in and I sobbed all day. The uncontrollable type with the snot and the gasping for air. By the evening, no amount of Beauty Flash balm could rescue my eyes. I looked as if I had gone 10 rounds with Joe Bugner.

I am sad, so very sad that it did not work out this time. But as I weep at Manuela's devastating news, I know that there are worse things that can happen. I will be OK, no doubt about that. The ectopic knocked me for a complete fucking loop but a negative cycle? Nothing a lot of listening to Scott Walker will not cure.

Today is just another autumnal Sunday where the bathroom still needs to be cleaned, garden jobs need to be finished and that old Sunday-night-getting-ready-for-school feeling. I do so hate to iron and Mr P has escaped the house to play a gig so I cannot even foist it upon him like I normally would.

PS: thanks for all your support but please do not tell me you are sorry. I am not sorry for anything and it just makes me feel like a total loser. Smooches, sweeties.

That Stupid Fertility Doll Is Giving Me The Finger

It leers at me whenever I enter the spare room. It was a gift from the donor co-ord. in SA and I appreciate the thought but I could cheerfully chuck it in the bin. It is like a black female version of Chucky. Where are my pins??

12dp3dt and the HPTs are snowy, luminous white where the second line should be. Even the cheapie Dollar Tree tests are declining to give me evap lines any more. I splashed out last night on the good stuff...the FRER and the Clear Blue Early. Pffft. Should have saved that money.

Nothing much else to say right now, other than it makes me want to vomit at the thought of the cost of this negative cycle. I keep telling myself that I had a wondrous holiday and it was worth it to have an opportunity to cycle where normally hope is non-existent but it is not consoling me right now.

Mr P is being his usual optimistic ray of sunshine self and telling me how I did not get a positive HPT until 14dp2dt last time. I restrain myself from garroting him and simply remind him in a snarling sarcastic tone of the great outcome that cycle had last time. Accompanied by much rolling of the eyes.

And please for the love of all that is holy, do not tell me to wait for the beta as THERE ARE NO BETAS HERE!!!!!

There is only me, alone, locked gibbering in a room with crappy HPTs.

Back In Black

Pack away those colourful holiday clothes...I am back and it is grey and cloudy and raining. Erk.

I know, I know...I did not update whilst I was away. We did not have the laptop with us and internet speed in Cape Town's lovely internet cafes was, well, let me say that the hamsters must have been dozing in the wheel. It was madly frustrating but at the same time, I did not want to stay indoors any more than I had to when the glorious sunshine was beating down outside.

I could post for hours about the luminous light and the endless sky and the blue of the two oceans but I know that all you want to know right now is the goodies.

Our donor had 5 eggs retrieved and we had 100% fertilisation.

All 5 were 8 cells on day 3.

Transfer Sept 30th, 3 embryos on day 3, average quality (which is why the good doc transferred 3).

Lining was 12mm and transfer itself went like a dream (unlike the last time!). The doc said my uterus is slightly tilted forward which is the first time that anyone has noticed or said anything to me about! He said that it might be the reason why I had a difficult transfer before. If I already did not have the love of Mr P, I would have asked him to step in and do the deed as he was so lovely. I know, totally eeeew, hahahaha.

Today is 9dp3dt. My SA buddy kindly sent me too many HPTs to pee on so of course, I started today and all I got for my troubles was an evap. line. Hmmmph.

Anyhoo, moving on. I survived the flights there and back. Thank you to whoever recommended Tylenol PM. We do not have it here in the UK but they had it in Cape Town. On the way there, it was all-day travel and I just plugged in the noise-cancelling headphones and watched films the whole way there back-to-back. Well, apart from the pee and water break and canter round the Boeing 777 after every film. Thank goodness for KLM's interactive entertainment on-demand service. Totally saved my panicking arse.

Coming back on a night-flight was a different story but I got about 4 hours sleep which is a total first for me. The main problem coming back was that I could hardly walk coming off the flight as my legs were swollen to the knees. I had my flight socks on, kept drinking water whilst awake and going for a wee jog between films but still, I had the worst cankles I have ever seen. I am not even sure if they are still cankles if the knees are involved.

I have a thousand tales to tell you about our adventures but I will save you from them until another day. We filled our whole memory card on the digital camera which is no mean feat as it holds just under 400 pics in one sitting.

I will leave you with just one pic for today. It is the view from our room on our first morning in the Mother City. We had arrived in total darkness the previous evening. I opened the curtains and bam! there was the view.