Pamplemousse

PCOS - check. Infertility - check. IVF - check. 43 years young - check. Sick of babydust - fricking double check. Join a Scottish infertile as she slowly swirls down the plughole. Now with added donor egg flava.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

That Stupid Fertility Doll Is Giving Me The Finger

It leers at me whenever I enter the spare room. It was a gift from the donor co-ord. in SA and I appreciate the thought but I could cheerfully chuck it in the bin. It is like a black female version of Chucky. Where are my pins??

12dp3dt and the HPTs are snowy, luminous white where the second line should be. Even the cheapie Dollar Tree tests are declining to give me evap lines any more. I splashed out last night on the good stuff...the FRER and the Clear Blue Early. Pffft. Should have saved that money.

Nothing much else to say right now, other than it makes me want to vomit at the thought of the cost of this negative cycle. I keep telling myself that I had a wondrous holiday and it was worth it to have an opportunity to cycle where normally hope is non-existent but it is not consoling me right now.

Mr P is being his usual optimistic ray of sunshine self and telling me how I did not get a positive HPT until 14dp2dt last time. I restrain myself from garroting him and simply remind him in a snarling sarcastic tone of the great outcome that cycle had last time. Accompanied by much rolling of the eyes.

And please for the love of all that is holy, do not tell me to wait for the beta as THERE ARE NO BETAS HERE!!!!!

There is only me, alone, locked gibbering in a room with crappy HPTs.

35 Comments:

At 12:05 PM, Blogger N said...

No worries that I'll tell you to do a beta. Hell I don't even know what a beta is, since WE DON'T HAVE THEM EITHER.

However I want to tell you how truly sorry I am that this apparently has not worked out. It feels like shit, but it must feel extra hard knowing that you traveled the world from north to south and back. Sweety, I am so so so sorry!

Big hugs,

Nina

 
At 12:09 PM, Anonymous T said...

I've got nothing, except - fucking shit motherfuckingly hideous, bullshit. And I'm sorry. As you know. Lots of love to you darling.

 
At 1:01 PM, Blogger DD said...

Well, move over and make room for me.

So sorry, P. I hope you don't have to beat Mr. P too hard over the head w/the doll.

 
At 1:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is awful! I have been following your story for a while and thought because of the agony and trials you have been through this would work for you. Its heartbreaking and I feel for you.

willow

 
At 3:23 PM, Anonymous Leggy said...

P- I'm so sorry. Between you and DD- this hasn't been a good week. It sucks. Wish I had something better to offer than that- but it all just really, really sucks.

 
At 3:23 PM, Anonymous Jenn said...

I'm sorry :(

 
At 3:35 PM, Anonymous Lori said...

I'm so sorry. This just sucks - no way around it.

 
At 3:50 PM, Blogger Beagle said...

I am so very sorry P. Just so very sorry.

 
At 4:09 PM, Blogger Katie (WannaBeMom) said...

Oh. P. I'm going to annoyingly stay in the Mr. P camp with him. But I do agree, this sucks and wish you were seeing definitive lines all over the place. I'm sorry.

 
At 4:15 PM, Blogger Krista said...

Pamplemousse, I am so sorry, this really sucks.

 
At 4:25 PM, Blogger Millie said...

Fuck fuck fuckity fuck. I'm so freaking sorry. This is not how this story is supposed to go. I'm sure of that, why is the universe screwing up so badly these days?

 
At 6:36 PM, Blogger moo said...

P - I am sticking with Mr P for now. I just posted to you on Liana's DE board...

I am thinking of you. MFR. And that doll is like Chucky. Mine is looking at me right now.

 
At 8:54 PM, Blogger Summer said...

I'm so sorry, P, I was so hoping for you.

 
At 8:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry.

Bonnie

 
At 9:17 PM, Blogger Lut C. said...

Noooooo!

If I yell loud enough, will that change anything?

 
At 9:40 PM, Anonymous amanda said...

Shite. I'm so very sorry. You're in my thoughts.

 
At 10:24 PM, Anonymous Julia S. said...

I am so very sorry. I wish very very much that it were different.

 
At 11:54 PM, Blogger Lisa said...

No betas? Cruel, cruel, cruel! I'm so sorry you're going through all this.

 
At 12:24 AM, Blogger Sparkle said...

Shit, this is not what I anticipated.

Much empathy, take care.

 
At 1:01 AM, Blogger Teendoc said...

Crap on a brick! I wanted you to so much catch a break. I'm not going to say the "s" word, but you know I'm feeling you.

 
At 1:13 AM, Blogger Kris said...

Well, shit. This is just not right. I'm so sorry.

 
At 1:35 AM, Anonymous Flicka said...

Well, crap. I was so hoping for you. I won't lie, I'm still holding out hope a little. But still, I feel for you. Glad you had a lovely holiday at least.

xo

 
At 3:21 AM, Anonymous KIMMER said...

FUCK, I'm sorry P.
Just fucking sucks...

 
At 5:53 AM, Anonymous babydreams said...

I've been following your blog for a while. I am so sorry you did not get pregnant. I understand the disappointment and frustration you feel about traveling so far and paying so much to have your heart broken.

I am also 40 and have traveled from the US to Czech Republic twice for ivf with donor eggs. All I got for all my time, trouble, and money was a broken heart over an ectopic pregnancy. Life is so unfair. I will keep you in my prayers.

 
At 8:17 AM, Anonymous Meri-ann said...

oh shit. not fair...

 
At 10:27 AM, Blogger linda said...

I'm still going to hope and pray that something is going on in there and it's just taking it's time. I know the stats aren't great at this point, but damn...

(hug)

 
At 2:50 PM, Blogger Ollie said...

Ugh, that blows. Still hoping the lines appear in a couple days.

Hey, can you get a voodoo doll of the fertility doll? Stick pins in that mofo when she mocks you?

 
At 9:08 PM, Blogger amyesq said...

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!! This is really craptastic.

Like Flicka, I would be lying if I said I wasn't still holding out a weensy bit of hope for this cycle.

So I think it's time to start saving up for a trip to California. You know where to find me, my dear.

 
At 10:37 AM, Blogger Thalia said...

Ah this is just bollocks really. It just goes on and on being bollocks, and I'm sure that bloody doll is appearing in your dreams at this point.

Someone, somewhere, needs to tell me where all the good karma went.

 
At 2:08 PM, Anonymous shazz said...

Sending hugs, I am sorry!

 
At 8:33 PM, Blogger Nico said...

Oh, how i wish it were different. As I'm sure you do even more. I am so sorry!

 
At 9:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hoped you would be pregnant, and I'm so sorry that the signs are not good. I feel like swearing too. F*********. What an arse. What an arsing F******.
Please look after yourself.
I'm so sorry.
Katty

 
At 10:33 PM, Blogger zhl said...

Oh dear P, I'm just catching up and saw this. Fuck. I am so sorry. What a horrible ending to a beautiful trip.

My thoughts are with you and Mr. P.

 
At 1:34 AM, Blogger art-sweet said...

Dear God,

This is dumb.

Stop it with the crap sundaes already.

Our Pamplemousse deserves better.

Much love,

Art-sweet

(irony: my word verification was mckIUI)

 
At 2:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My heart breaks for you.

Alchemilla

 

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