Pamplemousse

PCOS - check. Infertility - check. IVF - check. 43 years young - check. Sick of babydust - fricking double check. Join a Scottish infertile as she slowly swirls down the plughole. Now with added donor egg flava.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Pregnancy-Free Zone

The good doc wanted me to keep testing until I was 14 days past transfer which I dutifully did. Yesterday's final 2 tests are still on the bedroom window ledge, placed there for optimum daylight to highlight the one glaring line on each test. I have finally ceased all the drugs and let go of the embryonic dream.

Thursday was the day that reality set in and I sobbed all day. The uncontrollable type with the snot and the gasping for air. By the evening, no amount of Beauty Flash balm could rescue my eyes. I looked as if I had gone 10 rounds with Joe Bugner.

I am sad, so very sad that it did not work out this time. But as I weep at Manuela's devastating news, I know that there are worse things that can happen. I will be OK, no doubt about that. The ectopic knocked me for a complete fucking loop but a negative cycle? Nothing a lot of listening to Scott Walker will not cure.

Today is just another autumnal Sunday where the bathroom still needs to be cleaned, garden jobs need to be finished and that old Sunday-night-getting-ready-for-school feeling. I do so hate to iron and Mr P has escaped the house to play a gig so I cannot even foist it upon him like I normally would.

PS: thanks for all your support but please do not tell me you are sorry. I am not sorry for anything and it just makes me feel like a total loser. Smooches, sweeties.

57 Comments:

At 9:11 PM, Anonymous annmarie said...

Ms. P, I get where you are coming from. I understand completely.

 
At 9:41 PM, Anonymous Meri-ann said...

Me too- and I hate pity as well.
Take care x

 
At 10:00 PM, Anonymous Leggy said...

I say this with the deepest respect for what you are dealing with right now, but I think thye bulk of the "I'm sorrys" come from a place of sadness for you rather than pity. That said, I also see the point in not wanting to hear it anymore. But I hope you don't think we pity you. You've put so much effort into this- we all just wanted it to work so much.
I hope there aren't too many days like Thursday for you.

 
At 10:34 PM, Blogger MsPrufrock said...

Scott Walker? What? Not even a little Moz? Show a brother some love already P.!

 
At 10:59 PM, Blogger UtRus said...

I admire your strength. You are truly amazing. And I'm not really surprised -I often come here to read your words because I like your attitude. Not afraid to feel and be angry, sad, excited, the whole gamet. But never wallowing in the doom as if this is literally the end of life. Always your humour survives. With this you have won. Permanently.

 
At 11:06 PM, Blogger Avonlea said...

Big hug sweetie.

 
At 11:18 PM, Blogger DD said...

I've been staring at the empty comment box, trying to think of something clever to say that would let you know how badly I think this sucks...and I've got nothing.

It just sucks.

 
At 12:29 AM, Anonymous babydreams said...

Infertility is not for the weak or faint-hearted. We are strong, resilient, and persistent. Keep fighting. Keep looking at the big picture. We shall overcome someday.

 
At 12:43 AM, Anonymous T said...

Well, then, um, what up yo? Fuck, I have nothing. dammit. Gah, I suck.

 
At 12:45 AM, Anonymous T said...

Did I tell you the one about the welsh ventriloquist?

 
At 12:49 AM, Anonymous Lynnette said...

Ok then...fuck...fuckity fuck...shall I send you more drugs?

 
At 1:30 AM, Blogger zhl said...

Well, fuck, I hate to iron too. I know you and Mr. P will make it through this; I just wish you didn't have to.

 
At 2:24 AM, Blogger mermaidgrrrl said...

Can I just say fuck a lot instead of sorry then? Fuckity fuck fuck fuck. Fucker.

 
At 3:40 AM, Blogger Katie (WannaBeMom) said...

Smooches back, sweetie. You're my Pamplemousse forevah.

 
At 3:45 AM, Anonymous julianna said...

kisses and hugs from me

 
At 3:49 AM, Blogger Millie said...

Lunch with Tertia the second time around is at a wine farm. Totally worth a trip back.

Add me to the chorus of 'fuck'ers.

 
At 3:59 AM, Blogger Kris said...

Suckage. I hate crying like that.

Ironing? Yikes, I've got a pile. Along with a hefty heap that's been needing to go to the dry cleaners, for, oh, about 2 months.

Smooches right back atcha, babe.

 
At 4:23 AM, Blogger art-sweet said...

Oh Pamplemousse. This sucks. I'm not sorry. I'm pissed.

Sending virtual bottles of vino & big hunks of chocolate to you.

 
At 4:41 AM, Blogger Krista said...

You are one strong chick and I really admire that. I know, Manuela's news really puts things in perspective. I am so very devestated for her.

Good luck with the ironing.

 
At 7:47 AM, Blogger Sparkle said...

Okay, not sorry, but hell that's what I'd call a shit sandwich.

I have a question though, were your doctors happy with 5 eggs from your donor?

 
At 11:56 AM, Blogger Thalia said...

I'm with Leggy, the sorry is not about pity but about sorrow. But I know I hate finding a whole pile of I'm sorries when I log on in the morning, so I won't go against your commandment. I will say FUCK, or as Julie would say, What the fucking fuck? I hate the way this stuff just goes on sucking.

I'm not good on jokes so I've just been to http://www.jokefile.co.uk
and got this one

Q: What do gay termites eat?
A: Wood Peckers

 
At 12:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hate that it didn't work out this time. May the coming days bring wisdom and strength as you decide the next step, whether it be proceeding or not.

Wishing you lighter days,
S.

 
At 1:06 PM, Blogger N said...

I also want to point out that I never wrote/write "sorry" out of pity, but out of compassion, sorrow and empathy and because I think this sucks so fucking bad and I wish nobody ever had to go through it.

But I do respect that you don't want to read/hear it anymore (at least for right now) and will therefore only write that I am thinking of you and that I am sending hugs and if I could I would send you over this too: http://www.siemensappliances.co.uk/?5=TJ10001GB&28=7%3d1%269%3d26%253d1407_22%253d1%2629%3d1%2628%3d26%253d1407

Hugs,

N

 
At 1:07 PM, Blogger moo said...

Thinking of you.

 
At 1:14 PM, Anonymous Kimmer said...

Well, that just fucking sucks. No I'm sorry's from me either. Like N said, I normally write that out of compassion also.
How about I don't freakin understand the fertility G-ds, that they all suck ass.... Thinking of you!

 
At 2:22 PM, Anonymous Kath said...

Dear Pamplemousse, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh I could just kick something. Thinking of you and Mr P with affection and big, big disappointment.

Fuck.

 
At 2:50 PM, Anonymous Mollywogger said...

Well, shit. That sucks the big one, dear.

For you -- Things We Wouldn't Know Without Movies:

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-Every bag of groceries will contain a long loaf of French bread.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

 
At 3:38 PM, Anonymous Jenn said...

Well, if you aren't sorry, I won't be sorry, but damn. *hugs*

 
At 6:47 PM, Anonymous Flicka said...

Well, I won't say I'm sorry but hot damn. I'm so ready for this stretch of ugly to be over with. I want a happy ending for you.

 
At 7:10 PM, Anonymous gabby said...

Well, I won't say I'm sorry then but will say that this whole thing sucks..a LOT.

 
At 10:05 PM, Blogger Lut C. said...

You're tough.

Manuala's news is a horror in it's own right, but I find your news pretty devastating as well. There's no point in comparing.

 
At 10:35 PM, Blogger ninaB said...

Damn. Damn.
Wish I could send you a giant ice cappuccino from Tim's along with a giant hug.

 
At 2:46 PM, Blogger Ollie said...

If we can't say "sorry", can we at least swear a lot? Because that's all that is in my head right now. A lot of swearing. I will be eating an entire bag of Oreos in your honor this evening.

 
At 4:32 PM, Blogger DeadBug said...

I will avoid the "sorry" but can I be really, really pissed off? I have been holding my breath, hoping for a turnaround.

--Bugs

 
At 5:03 AM, Anonymous Manuela said...

I'm so sorry hon'... for both of us... for both of us. I had such hopes...

 
At 5:07 AM, Anonymous Manuela said...

SHIT! See... I didn't read the P.S. so I totally fucked up my last comment...

Damn... Ok... so...

let's see...

Well... depending what your next plans might be... perhaps we can time them appropriately... de cycle together?? Or... is that completely too cheezy... hell.. I'm babbling... blame it on the grief... or the vodka. Prolly the vodka, eh?

Better go now before this comment gets any worse... if possible..

 
At 4:49 PM, Blogger Beagle said...

I am glad to know I am not the only woman who asks her an to iron.

Thinking of you . . .

 
At 8:10 PM, Anonymous roni said...

Hey Ms. P - just caught up. Can I add a few fucks to it too?

fuck fuck fuck.

email at thesiren11@hotmail.com if you need next cycle meds.

Thinking of you.
Roni

 
At 9:57 PM, Blogger JennaM said...

Well, here's to you then. I think I'll go make myself a champagne and grapefruit juice cooler and have one for both of us!
xoxo
JennaM

 
At 5:59 AM, Blogger the waiting line said...

shit

 
At 6:23 AM, Blogger sube said...

Dammit. This is not the way it was supposed to go. Dammit. Dammit.

 
At 10:30 AM, Blogger chris said...

I'm sorry.

 
At 6:17 PM, Blogger Twisted Ovaries said...

Can I get you a drink? Come sit next to me.

 
At 6:58 PM, Anonymous mm said...

Well, fuck.

 
At 7:16 PM, Blogger Claudia said...

Well, durn it all to heck. I had fingers crossed for you guys. Hang in there, be as good to yourself as you can.

 
At 7:52 PM, Blogger soralis said...

That sucks... sending a big hug your way!

 
At 10:08 PM, Blogger Anna said...

Oh, wow, that sucks dreadfully.

Time for good tea and Hobnobs. Many smooches and hugs sent your way.

 
At 2:59 AM, Blogger Em said...

Tea and hobnobs...sounds a good start. Can I say I have a lot of respect for you? I have always admired you and you really blow me away with your strength and honesty...and humour in your posts.

 
At 12:21 AM, Blogger Mellie said...

You are an amazingly strong woman and an inspiration to so many. Fuck that it didn't turn out differently.

 
At 1:16 AM, Blogger linda said...

This sucks so bad. I don't even know what to say except that my heart breaks for you, and for Manuela, and for all of us that have failed cycles & lost pregnancies. I am still hoping for you.

 
At 1:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thinking of you!
Demeter

 
At 9:19 PM, Blogger Katie (WannaBeMom) said...

I'm just sending more smoochies because I want to.

 
At 10:24 PM, Anonymous LisaGray said...

To coin a very American saying, that sucks. There's not much else to say about it. Interesting that you chose Scott Walker. I think hours of listening to him would just depress me more, but I see where you are coming from. Hang in there...

 
At 3:13 AM, Blogger Truly Tested said...

not sure if this took so I'll try again

You took the words right out of my mouth. I wish you strength. Am thinking of you.

 
At 3:18 AM, Blogger Josie said...

I have not posted on your site, but I do visit and I want you to know that I agree about the whole sorry thing. As if this process is not draining enough emotionally. I hope things start to look up for you.

 
At 3:44 PM, Blogger Tazzy said...

lots-o-smoochies to you! hope you're drinking a lot.

 
At 6:12 AM, Blogger cluelesscarolinagirl said...

Sucks.

 

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