Pregnancy-Free Zone
The good doc wanted me to keep testing until I was 14 days past transfer which I dutifully did. Yesterday's final 2 tests are still on the bedroom window ledge, placed there for optimum daylight to highlight the one glaring line on each test. I have finally ceased all the drugs and let go of the embryonic dream.
Thursday was the day that reality set in and I sobbed all day. The uncontrollable type with the snot and the gasping for air. By the evening, no amount of Beauty Flash balm could rescue my eyes. I looked as if I had gone 10 rounds with Joe Bugner.
I am sad, so very sad that it did not work out this time. But as I weep at Manuela's devastating news, I know that there are worse things that can happen. I will be OK, no doubt about that. The ectopic knocked me for a complete fucking loop but a negative cycle? Nothing a lot of listening to Scott Walker will not cure.
Today is just another autumnal Sunday where the bathroom still needs to be cleaned, garden jobs need to be finished and that old Sunday-night-getting-ready-for-school feeling. I do so hate to iron and Mr P has escaped the house to play a gig so I cannot even foist it upon him like I normally would.
PS: thanks for all your support but please do not tell me you are sorry. I am not sorry for anything and it just makes me feel like a total loser. Smooches, sweeties.
posted by Pamplemousse @ 8:44 PM
52 Comments:
Ms. P, I get where you are coming from. I understand completely.
Me too- and I hate pity as well.
Take care x
I say this with the deepest respect for what you are dealing with right now, but I think thye bulk of the "I'm sorrys" come from a place of sadness for you rather than pity. That said, I also see the point in not wanting to hear it anymore. But I hope you don't think we pity you. You've put so much effort into this- we all just wanted it to work so much.
I hope there aren't too many days like Thursday for you.
Scott Walker? What? Not even a little Moz? Show a brother some love already P.!
I admire your strength. You are truly amazing. And I'm not really surprised -I often come here to read your words because I like your attitude. Not afraid to feel and be angry, sad, excited, the whole gamet. But never wallowing in the doom as if this is literally the end of life. Always your humour survives. With this you have won. Permanently.
Big hug sweetie.
I've been staring at the empty comment box, trying to think of something clever to say that would let you know how badly I think this sucks...and I've got nothing.
It just sucks.
Infertility is not for the weak or faint-hearted. We are strong, resilient, and persistent. Keep fighting. Keep looking at the big picture. We shall overcome someday.
Well, then, um, what up yo? Fuck, I have nothing. dammit. Gah, I suck.
Did I tell you the one about the welsh ventriloquist?
Ok then...fuck...fuckity fuck...shall I send you more drugs?
Well, fuck, I hate to iron too. I know you and Mr. P will make it through this; I just wish you didn't have to.
Can I just say fuck a lot instead of sorry then? Fuckity fuck fuck fuck. Fucker.
Smooches back, sweetie. You're my Pamplemousse forevah.
kisses and hugs from me
Suckage. I hate crying like that.
Ironing? Yikes, I've got a pile. Along with a hefty heap that's been needing to go to the dry cleaners, for, oh, about 2 months.
Smooches right back atcha, babe.
Oh Pamplemousse. This sucks. I'm not sorry. I'm pissed.
Sending virtual bottles of vino & big hunks of chocolate to you.
You are one strong chick and I really admire that. I know, Manuela's news really puts things in perspective. I am so very devestated for her.
Good luck with the ironing.
Okay, not sorry, but hell that's what I'd call a shit sandwich.
I have a question though, were your doctors happy with 5 eggs from your donor?
I'm with Leggy, the sorry is not about pity but about sorrow. But I know I hate finding a whole pile of I'm sorries when I log on in the morning, so I won't go against your commandment. I will say FUCK, or as Julie would say, What the fucking fuck? I hate the way this stuff just goes on sucking.
I'm not good on jokes so I've just been to http://www.jokefile.co.uk
and got this one
Q: What do gay termites eat?
A: Wood Peckers
I hate that it didn't work out this time. May the coming days bring wisdom and strength as you decide the next step, whether it be proceeding or not.
Wishing you lighter days,
S.
Thinking of you.
Well, that just fucking sucks. No I'm sorry's from me either. Like N said, I normally write that out of compassion also.
How about I don't freakin understand the fertility G-ds, that they all suck ass.... Thinking of you!
Dear Pamplemousse, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh I could just kick something. Thinking of you and Mr P with affection and big, big disappointment.
Fuck.
Well, shit. That sucks the big one, dear.
For you -- Things We Wouldn't Know Without Movies:
-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
-Every bag of groceries will contain a long loaf of French bread.
-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.
Well, if you aren't sorry, I won't be sorry, but damn. *hugs*
Well, I won't say I'm sorry but hot damn. I'm so ready for this stretch of ugly to be over with. I want a happy ending for you.
Well, I won't say I'm sorry then but will say that this whole thing sucks..a LOT.
You're tough.
Manuala's news is a horror in it's own right, but I find your news pretty devastating as well. There's no point in comparing.
Damn. Damn.
Wish I could send you a giant ice cappuccino from Tim's along with a giant hug.
I will avoid the "sorry" but can I be really, really pissed off? I have been holding my breath, hoping for a turnaround.
--Bugs
I'm so sorry hon'... for both of us... for both of us. I had such hopes...
SHIT! See... I didn't read the P.S. so I totally fucked up my last comment...
Damn... Ok... so...
let's see...
Well... depending what your next plans might be... perhaps we can time them appropriately... de cycle together?? Or... is that completely too cheezy... hell.. I'm babbling... blame it on the grief... or the vodka. Prolly the vodka, eh?
Better go now before this comment gets any worse... if possible..
I am glad to know I am not the only woman who asks her an to iron.
Thinking of you . . .
Hey Ms. P - just caught up. Can I add a few fucks to it too?
fuck fuck fuck.
email at thesiren11@hotmail.com if you need next cycle meds.
Thinking of you.
Roni
Well, here's to you then. I think I'll go make myself a champagne and grapefruit juice cooler and have one for both of us!
xoxo
JennaM
I'm sorry.
Can I get you a drink? Come sit next to me.
Well, fuck.
Well, durn it all to heck. I had fingers crossed for you guys. Hang in there, be as good to yourself as you can.
That sucks... sending a big hug your way!
Oh, wow, that sucks dreadfully.
Time for good tea and Hobnobs. Many smooches and hugs sent your way.
Tea and hobnobs...sounds a good start. Can I say I have a lot of respect for you? I have always admired you and you really blow me away with your strength and honesty...and humour in your posts.
You are an amazingly strong woman and an inspiration to so many. Fuck that it didn't turn out differently.
This sucks so bad. I don't even know what to say except that my heart breaks for you, and for Manuela, and for all of us that have failed cycles & lost pregnancies. I am still hoping for you.
Thinking of you!
Demeter
I'm just sending more smoochies because I want to.
To coin a very American saying, that sucks. There's not much else to say about it. Interesting that you chose Scott Walker. I think hours of listening to him would just depress me more, but I see where you are coming from. Hang in there...
not sure if this took so I'll try again
You took the words right out of my mouth. I wish you strength. Am thinking of you.
I have not posted on your site, but I do visit and I want you to know that I agree about the whole sorry thing. As if this process is not draining enough emotionally. I hope things start to look up for you.
lots-o-smoochies to you! hope you're drinking a lot.
Sucks.
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