Put On Your Red Shoes and Dance the Blues

I am hoping that just by typing, some blog inspiration will come........

Tick tick tick.......

Well, maybe not.

What's happening Chez Pamplemousse??

Well, spring has sprung, the lambs are lambing, the birds are now tweeting at 4am and the flowers are coming out so it is all good.

Miss Pops is having her 2nd season and she is definitely having the op in a couple of months so no puppies for her. If I can't have some, neither can she hahaha. Just kidding. It is a 24 hr a day commitment for a litter of pups and I could not do it. I am barely here as it is. Besides, the big stumbling block is that I would want to keep any pups and not give them away. Yes, I am a big wuss.

The big California trip is getting nearer. Just over 3 weeks to go! Look out San Francisco, here we come!! I am still trying to persuade Mr P that we need to hire an RV but he is being a chicken....squawk, squawk!!

I was listening to Joni Mitchell and Chick Corea to get in the mood this morning. I think I need a Cali playlist on my ipod. Any good suggestions????

No Mothers Here Today or Any Day

Feck. Is it Easter yet???

Today here in the UK and maybe elsewhere in the Commonwealth, it is Mothering Sunday.

It has been hell as the shops, newspapers, magazines, TV adverts, everything has been totally in my face for weeks now. Throw in that it would have been my Mum's 62nd birthday a few weeks ago and you have the perfect storm of grief and anger and sorrow.

I guess that it is the natural order that when your Mum dies, you should be preoccupied with your own children to take your mind off it, hmm? Infertility...the gift that keeps on giving you shit.

Deep breaths. One foot in front of another. Tomorrow all the cards and gifts will be gone from the shops and there will be no more sobbing into the shopping trolley at the sight of them. I know it will get easier and it is just the timing and probably hormonal but can't a broken woman get a break??

I did the same today as I did on Mum's birthday. I cooked and I gardened and I thought of her and how pleased she would be to see me doing both of those, always her favourite tasks.

I talked to the photo of us taken together en-route to Skye and told her how much I missed her. That daffodils always remind me of her birthday and how she always told us that she loved to eat daffodil heads when she was young. Never the stalks cos they were poisonous, just the yellow petals, like hopeful sunshine in her mouth.

Isn't it funny the things you remember?

Optimistic Voices Redux

Re-reading my last post is making me cry. I know that there was sorrow and pain ahead for my Mum but she also did not know the joy and happiness that was ahead too. I did not mean for my post to be so gloomy.

See? That is why I have been absent from blogging, as it is hard not to be maudlin and sad via the written word.

Life is full of joy and pain and sometimes it seems like it is all pain. Certainly, the last few years have seemed like that for me but if you knew me in real life, I am not in tears and depressed every moment of every day. There are whole days where there is nothing but smiles, other days are dark with tears. I am being gentle with myself.

There is good news all around me, in my life.

I passed my driving test practical this week and today I had my first solo drive to get the Sunday papers (5 miles on my own! It was so quiet without Mr P that I had to put the radio on haha).

I got the all-clear a few weeks ago after my very 1st mammogram.

I have a secure job which gives me great personal satisfaction, even though it feels like I live in Glasgow at the moment as I am there so much during the week.

Mr P and I have booked to fly to San Francisco in the summer to visit the lovely Millie and hopefully meet up with Amy and the twins. Sorry Janie! Yet another year where I do not make it to NJ!

I could go on and on but you get my point. Spring is coming and the return of the light.

Thank you for all your kind thoughts.

PS Thalia, my mum was 18 when I was born and now I am thinking that the pic must have been taken in 1969 by the look of my brother there. I think I was 4.

Optimistic Voices

Twice this week, I have had to tell someone that my mum died suddenly and no, it was not the breast cancer but other metastasised tumours and yes, it was a terrible shock and no, she did not know at the end and yes, thank goodness it was quick. I know it has only been 3 months but at times it feels like 3 seconds and yet at other times, 3 years.

How can the map of my world be re-drawn so quickly? I don't know where I am.

I am trying to have an optimistic voice, like Dorothy, but it is so hard. This reminds me so much of Mum as we loved the Wizard of Oz and watched it so many times together.

I changed the profile photo from Miss Pops to an old photo from 1968 of me, my mum and my middle brother. She looks so young but that is because she was only 19.

It is one of my favourite photos but there are very few of us all together in those days as we did not own a camera. In 1968, Mum had not yet lost my baby sister at birth and had not had my youngest brother. She did not know what was ahead of her.

Actually, it is a blessing that none of us do.



You're out of the woods, you're out of the dark, you're out of the night;
Step into the sun, step into the light.

Fuck Off 2008, Hello 2009

Yes, I may be grieving and not really in the festive spirit and there is a lack of Xmas tree-age in my house but I have tinsel on picture frames, had 4 stockings hung up with gifts* and a lot of lovely cards, some with those lovely Par Avion stickers. But I am glad to see the back of 2008.

I hate all that year in review crap. They drive me batshit, even more than mommy bloggers doing the monthly paean to what their beloved child has done since the last boring paean.

2008 was quite shite. It is all my own fault as I hung myself by my own petard by saying my life was humdrum and I liked it like that. Hmmph. I take it all back. I like interesting, as in the Chinese curse "May you have an interesting life".

Anyhoo, I have had the very best and the ultimate of excuses for not meeting Xmas/festive obligations ie. my mother died last month. This, said with a sad face, can get you out of doing anything at this time of year haha.

I have ditched a lot of people and crap obligations during this festive season. Perhaps the perfect combination of psychological colonic irrigation/mourning detox. Soon to be advertised at your nearest spa. Just add bitter herbs and spiky twigs.

As you can tell, my sarcastic wit, previously honed to glinting sharpness by infertility, has now been lasered to the nth degree by my mother dying and leaving me in charge of all things festive and familial. Aaah, I must be at the anger stage....again.


So what I am trying to say in my own long-winded, barbed fashion....let's hope it is a Happy New Year for us all.

Lang may your lum reek.


* For me, Mr P, Miss Pops and my stepfather.

Ray Of Light

My mum died on Friday.

So shocking and unexpectedly that it is like a bad dream.

Rest in peace, Mummy.

Oh Happy Day!!!

I doubted you to the end.

I lost my respect for you eight years ago and yet again four years ago.

I did not think that you had it in you to collectively take that great leap forward.

I thought that the racists and the bigots and the fearful and the ignorant would have their way.

America, I apologise for doubting that you could do it.

I am so proud of you all.

Welcome back and congratulations!