Pamplemousse

PCOS - check. Infertility - check. IVF - check. 43 years young - check. Sick of babydust - fricking double check. Join a Scottish infertile as she slowly swirls down the plughole. Now with added donor egg flava.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Living in My Own Private Idaho


Apart from the time of the emergency admission to hospital for the abdominal pains from hell 2 days after the meth shot, I have not had any bleeding since then. Yesterday I had that PMS-headache that will not go away and the shooting pains I get towards my bottom that are also a PMS sign. Today cramping and spotting have given way to full-on blood. Is this finally the end?

All this week, tears have flown regardless of what I watch, talk about or read. I am incapable of returning to work and operating like a normal human being. In fact, today I spoke to my GP and she has signed me off work for a further 4 weeks, with the offer of anti-depressants in the future. I must have really looked a sight (I had to take the sunglasses off indoors).

After watching Brokeback Mountain the other day, I have to say that it is still haunting me. Such sadness and such enduring love. And the scenery in Canada. And the sheep.

Then I made the mistake of watching Mona Lisa Smile. What tripe. Apart from the second Gyllenhaal to make me have a crush on them this week.

Today I have Being Julia. Who knows what that is going to be like. It does not really matter as I will sob my way through it regardless.

I will leave you with a photo from the bottom of my garden on Midsummers Day. I managed to dodge the rain and the wind long enough to capture the shot. Needless to say, the start of summer here in Scotland inevitably means howling gales of 70mph wind and rain torrential enough to flatten my perennials. Normally I would be upset at this but there are just too many other things to cry about in my universe at the moment.

36 Comments:

At 4:08 PM, Blogger Kris said...

What a gorgeous view. I look onto a golf course and get to observe overweight sweaty men and hope they don't shank the ball into my living room window.

Sorry you had to endure Mona Lisa Smile... it completely lacked signifigant character development- either that or all these girls suffered from PMS all the time- it's the only thing that could explain their constant rapidly changing moods and views of the world.

I'm so sorry for how you've been feeling. I'm glad your doctor is working with you and allowing you the time off that you need. Maybe once all the physical stuff is finally over, you'll be able to focus wholly on what's going on in your heart. This is just such a shit time. I've been keeping you in my thoughts. Take care.

 
At 4:09 PM, Anonymous mm said...

That picture is positively breathtaking. I cannot believe that is your GARDEN. How many acres do you have?

Have heard that Shopgirl is a pleasant diversion if you're looking for something else to rent. (I haven't seen it so if you hate it, um, don't think less of me.) But geez, anything has to be better than MLS.

Thinking of you.

 
At 4:25 PM, Blogger Pamplemousse said...

Haha, MM! That is the field beyond my garden. I have enough garden to neglect at the moment without adding another couple of acres!!

 
At 4:34 PM, Blogger Beagle said...

The view is gorgeous. I am sorry that the tears keep flowing. Not wanting to be a drug-pusher, but I am not sure that I would not still be crying without my Z*oloft. It may be worth a try.

This is all much too hard. Hang in there, the sun must come out again sometime, no?

 
At 5:06 PM, Blogger sube said...

What cheery flowers. Maybe hard to look at when you're not feeling so cheery yourself? Or maybe they help? I hope it's the latter. As for the tears, I say let them flow. At least, that's been my approach.

 
At 5:09 PM, Blogger Hoping said...

that view is absolutely perfect. how beautiful

 
At 5:47 PM, Blogger Vivien said...

MLS is a truly awful film. I think Julia Roberts can often be a reason NOT to hire a film, personally, with some exceptions I suppose.
"Being Julia" is not great, but not quite so fatuous. Also not really a sobbing film as I remember, so that might help a little.
Love the view.
So sorry about your misery.
Glad you have another 4 weeks. Personally I recommend the anti-depressants - sometimes you just need a helping hand. But it's a very personal thing, and I know plenty who would disagree (though few who have been there).
Sending love and comfort, if I can.

 
At 5:51 PM, Blogger Krista said...

That view is breathtaking. Like the kind of view that makes you take a big sigh and reconsider the world.

I am so sorry you are hurting so badly. It is normal that you are of course. I'm glad your doctor recognizes that and is giving you the time and any other help you may want to feel a little better.

 
At 6:00 PM, Blogger DD said...

The thing about the AD is that you may not feel the full effect of them UNTIL 4 weeks of taking them. You know, I never did take mine b/c I just didn't want to wait that long.

Your strength is still there. It's just taking a break. I'm sorry, again.

 
At 6:40 PM, Anonymous julianna said...

Oh Pamp.......I'm so very sorry. For all of it.

You're in my thoughts,

 
At 7:19 PM, Blogger Summer said...

That's a beatiful view.

I hope the tears start to subside soon.

 
At 7:24 PM, Anonymous annmarie said...

Ms. P., I am glad to see you're still functioning. I check your blog often, looking for signs of activity. I am sorry for all the tears and pain...

 
At 7:25 PM, Blogger Donna said...

DD is right, if you are going to take a SSRI you have to wait a while before you feel any better...maybe something that is a little stronger but more immediate would make more sense? Yes, I know, they are addictive, but they exist to help people in the short term and you don't strike me as someone who would abuse them. Gorgeous view.

 
At 7:32 PM, Blogger Katie (WannaBeMom) said...

Whatever you say about my house, I don't have a view like that!

There's about nothing to say that can make this better. All around, it sucks. I'm thinking hippie dippie good thoughts for you because I like you-oh-so-much.

You're a good woman, Pamps.

 
At 9:42 PM, Blogger Lut C. said...

Gales and torrential rain seem rather appropriate, though it doesn't help much to cheer you up I suppose.

Good distracting movies? Have you seen:
- Priscilla, Queen of the desert?
- Muriel's wedding
- Being John Malcovic

 
At 11:14 PM, Blogger art-sweet said...

I am forced to resort to

{{{{{hugs}}}}}}

The depth of this suckiness is immeasurable, Pample.

 
At 11:33 PM, Anonymous Meri-ann said...

That view is simply divine.....
I put off filling my prescription for AD after I lost my twins this year, but am so very glad that I did. They don't take away the hurt or the pain, they just make breathing and getting up in the mornings a little bit easier.
Thinking of you x

 
At 8:30 AM, Blogger Thalia said...

That is a beautiful view. I'm sorry that you're having to endure and endure and endure. I've never taken the ADs but a lot of friends have found them very helpful. I don't have anything helpful to say other than I'm thinking of you and I wish, I wish it didn't hurt so much.

 
At 2:53 PM, Anonymous KIMMER said...

Beautiful veiw, how peaceful looking. Hope that the time off work gives you plenty of time to heal. It just sucks...

 
At 7:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nothing to say. Just, thinking of you.

Alchemilla

 
At 9:42 PM, Blogger amyesq said...

That view, amazing!

Your current situation, amazingly crappy. I am thinking of much you these days and can't wait until I can give you a hug in person.

 
At 5:38 AM, Blogger mermaidgrrrl said...

Oh sweetie - I hope you take all the leave that's available to you to try and heal the best you can. As an anti-depressant veteran maybe you should give them a whirl? I'm not someone who has stayed on them for extended periods of time because it's not been appropriate for my depression. Instead I've been on them for stretches of a few months while I got myself together and worked on developing better coping mechanisms for stress and working through my hurts and "sads".
I wish I could pop over and make you a daquiri and give you a pedicure!

 
At 12:59 PM, Blogger Meg said...

.brave brave lady.

 
At 5:18 PM, Blogger Avonlea said...

My heart is totally with you and broken and crying too.

Part of me just wants to lash out at the universe and scream at it for being so fucking tough on you and the other part of me is so frustrated that there's nothing I can do to zap away your pain and grief instantly.

 
At 2:53 PM, Blogger fisher queen said...

Oh sweets I'm so sorry. I wish I could make this better for you.

 
At 4:02 PM, Blogger zhl said...

Sorry, P. I just so wish you didn't have to endure this. Try the ADs. They won't change you or take away the pain, but you will be able to get off the couch.

Wish you didn't have to go through this

 
At 4:22 PM, Blogger MereCat said...

I am so sorry for your pain and loss. I had a chemical in March and remember how crappy I felt with the whole beta going down thing like you mentioned. I'm so sorry about your hospital trip and all the bonus agony that this little event has thrown into your already tumultuous world of IF. Feel better soon, sweetie!

 
At 8:23 PM, Blogger Angie said...

What a beautiful view!

 
At 11:09 PM, Anonymous T said...

That is absolutely gorgeous. Hoping that might help alleviate a little of the pain.

 
At 12:15 AM, Blogger the waiting line said...

so sorry pamplemousse.

just thinking of you.

 
At 4:07 AM, Blogger Nico said...

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Glad the physical pain is subsiding, and *wish* I could do or say something to ease the mental pain. I know I can't. All I can do is let you know that I'm thinking of you.

 
At 4:09 AM, Blogger moo said...

Hi there. Thinking of you. So very sorry for your pain. I think of you every day. Don't bother with my email - please don't feel obligated when you have so much going on in your heart and life. Send me a note when you feel like chatting. Love, Moo

 
At 12:44 PM, Anonymous Kath said...

Dear Pamplemousse, I'm glad your doctor is taking care of you and giving you time to heal. I wish this burden weren't so very hard to bear. Thinking of you and sending lots of hanky thoughts.

 
At 5:10 PM, Blogger Anna said...

I am so sorry this didn't work out. Please take time to take care of yourself and heal. What's next on the treatment schedule? Can you try again? I just want for you to have the family you so desire and deserve. I'd offer to dontate my eggs, but they're all fucked. Hang in there, and if it's available, watch The Venture Brothers. It's a cartoon, but hilarious, and it make me laugh. I figured you could use some uplift right now (although your view is absolutely killer).
xoxoxoxo

 
At 6:24 PM, Blogger Demeter said...

What paradise you live in Pampelmouse! You lucky girl!
I hope you are feeling better sweetie, I am so very sorry for the pain you are going through!

 
At 6:52 PM, Anonymous Sarah said...

Your photo makes me want to visit Scotland immediately! I am so sorry that you have had such a rough time. Time off from work is a great thing if you can take advantage of it. I've never taken anti-depressants, but do whatever it takes (that is healthy of course) to help you get back to life. Time is an amazing healer. Take care.

 

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