Freak like Me

Thank you for all your wondrous comments on my ring and Mr P. Unfortunately, he should be demanding a divorce after this week as I have been freaking to hell.

My egg donor will (hopefully) be a family member who is not blood-related. She made this offer to me the day that the clinic informed me that yet again, no embryos had survived the incubator of death. At the time, I could not wrap my head around the concept but as time passed and Mr P and I had long discussions about where our lives were headed and came to terms with our loss, we decided that we would accept this wonderful gift.

I truly do not regret any genetic loss from my side. I have gifts but nothing that cannot be learnt or taught. I am genetically imperfect myself in that I have PCOS and diabetes and myopia and a propensity for dramaqueenage. Mr P has innate talents in music and maths and fiddly IT things that I would rather have the potential to be passed on to a child. He is kind and loving and thinks that there is nothing but good in the world.

I think an inevitable consequence of IF and its water-on-stone effect on your self esteem means that it is easier to accept the dark side, to grasp the nettle of genetics. My body does not work so let's bypass it. The whole nature vs nurture argument has rumbled on for decades and I am all about the nurture.

In my own mind, I am happy with the potential genetic mix. My donor has the same hair colour, eye colour and skin tone as me. She is thinner and of a slighter build but that is no bad thing! She is well-educated and thoughtful. She would be a good choice, even if she was an anonymous donor.

To be a UK egg donor, you must be under 35, have no horrible diseases and have completed your family. She fits the bill. HFEA rules demand that mandatory counselling be undertaken by any potential donor, known or anonymous. Her appointment for this is next week. As we crawl closer and closer to this, my hamster wheel mind is conjuring up disaster scenarios like Steven Spielberg on speed. Will she change her mind? Will her family make her change her mind? Will Mr P change his mind? Will I?

That last question is moot. I will not.