PCOS - check. Infertility - check. IVF - check. 43 years young - check. Sick of babydust - fricking double check. Join a Scottish infertile as she slowly swirls down the plughole. Now with added donor egg flava.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

It is all about the madeleines


It is day 7 of sniffing the Synarel and I am feeling black, black moods coming on. Everybody talks about the ambivalence and the whatever feeling once you are enduring the 2nd uphill IVF try but I find it so hard to avoid comparisons with other bloggers.

Suz and Bugs have had fantastic retrievals the second go-round after the pain and despair of being labelled poor-responders first time round. I am so pleased and thrilled that things have gone so much better for them this time round but it doesn't comfort me. This just makes me feel worse about what will happen to my 2nd go. I know rationally there is nothing I can do, other than de-stress and follow doctor's orders but I know deep, deep down, I have never lead a charmed life. Nothing ever comes easy.

I am craving comfort and the things which comfort me now are the same things from childhood that could be relied on to ease the pain. The otherworlds of books and music, Heinz tomato soup, clean and crisp cotton sheets, the sound of rain outside, starlings swooping in their mesmerising choreography, growing things, being in the garden.

I am trying very hard to stay positive but I am not winning this week.


At 10:38 PM, Blogger PJ said...

I'm sorry you're losing the positivity battle this week P.

I hope the hormones stop messing with your emotions.

Hang in there.

At 10:38 PM, Blogger Suz said...

Heinz tomato soup is an old reliable made even better with the addition of a grilled cheese sandwich.

My 2nd cycle is/was not an easy one. The entire time I was petrified of the same thing happening. I dreamed about ovulating early and not having enough eggs. Even with the good retrieval, the egg quality wasn't great and we were lucky to have 3 to transfer. I am hoping with all my heart that you will be lucky too.

At 11:25 PM, Blogger tania said...

Hang in there, hon.

Reading saves my sanity too. You'll have lots of books with tomato soup stains on them by the end of this cycle and that's fine. Just do what you need to do to stay as comfortable as possible. And make your husband wash the sheets and make the bed for you every day. (Or at least every other day - that's what Oprah does.)

The second go around of any treatment is so hard without the excitement of forward momentum that accompanied the first time through...

Take care!

At 3:22 AM, Blogger DeadBug said...

Sweet Mousse,

I wish I had a giant helping of optimism or any sage words, but I am a pessimist (especially today) and decidedly un-sage-like, so all I can offer is my sympathy and hope that you spear that golden ring this time around.

I'm hoping your comfort foods and books and garden give you some of the distraction you need. This process is a torment.

Thinking of you,


At 9:01 AM, Blogger Em said...

Don't worry about having a self-pity party. I've taken the last two days off work to have one all by myself in my flat, watching crappy TV.
I was buying some makeup at Debenhams last night and I was at the Lancome counter getting foundation put on. I glanced over at the Juicy Tubes and one stared out at my "Pample Mousse". I thought of you immediatley. Is that where the name comes from? I should never go shopping when I feel in self-pity. I spent £94 pounds on makeup!

At 12:25 PM, Blogger Millie said...

I gotta agree with Suz that tomato soup and grilled cheese (or cheese toast where you just melt the cheese on the bread in the oven) are a combo that's hard to be beat.

Second cycles are rough. There's no two ways about it. I hope the books and everything else you love can help in some way. I spent a lot of time reading in my garden in a newly purchased hammock during my second cycle. I swear it saved my sanity.

Wishing you much luck this cycle.

At 2:22 PM, Anonymous T said...

Nice warning - what's this 'happy mood' you speak of?

Hey, you know - at least one of the comforts of childhood isn't a bottle of Glenfiddich. Although that might lend you a helping hand...

At 5:23 PM, Anonymous Julianna said...

Hang in there. None of this is easy and we should all win metals for muddling through IVF hell.

Macaroni and Cheese always makes me feel a little better.

The hormone rushes are enormous, you are doing great.

Good luck with everything.

At 12:56 AM, Blogger Panda said...

Happy? Mood? On their own they make sense, but together...???

All you can do is keep reminding yourself that its the drugs, man, and go eat Kraft Macaroni Cheese. The Deluxe Family Pack edition. Then blame your wanton disregard for nutrition on the drugs.

All this IF crap is a big enough toll on your emotions, but as you know these are very powerful drugs. Be kind to yourself. Allow the indulgences. Wallow both in self-pity and in chocolate.


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