Pamplemousse

PCOS - check. Infertility - check. IVF - check. 43 years young - check. Sick of babydust - fricking double check. Join a Scottish infertile as she slowly swirls down the plughole. Now with added donor egg flava.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

The Girl Who Cried Pregnant

No, there was nothing wrong with my comments. I am the team of one and I know it seems terribly ungrateful but I really could not bear an outpouring of sympathy on Friday. I know some people e-mailed me directly and I thank you, if you did.

How am I doing?? Well, the title says it all. Twice now, I have had to tell my doctor, employer, diabetic nurse, postman (not), all at an early stage of pregnancy and twice now I have to tell them "Actually it is fucked". Well, not those exact words but you get my drift. Instead of the boy who cried wolf, I am the girl who cried pregnant.

Frankly, it is embarassing. My boss must not know what has hit him cos well, he is a bloke. A typical Scottish bloke, not much older than me.

Both me and Mr P are taking some time off work. Me, I am waiting to bleed. I am emitting some kind of brown snot at the moment but since I stopped the estrogen and PIO on Thursday, I am not sure how long it will take for the deluge to arrive.

Mr P is taking it hard, in his own quiet fashion. I cry and he pats me. I am not sure if he wants to cry but he has been obsessively hoovering up millions of leaves this afternoon which I am sure is some kind of emotional displacement. Hoovering up leaves in my garden is a thankless task as we are surrounded by deciduous trees and they will blow in from miles around too. They will all be back tomorrow and I guess he will start again.

I guess I am doing my own emotional displacement too as I refuse to lie around and be depressed about this chemical pregnancy. I used to do that and I have learned the very, very hard way that it does not help me in the long run, either emotionally or physically.

I am also refusing to let myself dive into the sugar. I want to. Oh, I want to but I will not.

There has been a lot of decluttering in this house this weekend.

32 Comments:

At 8:19 PM, Blogger Lynnette said...

The offer is good if you want to talk. I have a Skype account, finally. I'll email it to you.

 
At 9:07 PM, Blogger Drowned Girl said...

I tried to comment. I'm so terribly sorry, after all you went through to get that far.

xxx

 
At 9:32 PM, Blogger Vivien said...

This is so completely awful. The only way to cope with this is in your own way. Whatever it takes. How cruel life can be. My thoughts are with you.

 
At 10:22 PM, Blogger DD said...

I have been obsessing about you all weekend. Much love, P, from my tiny corner of the world to you both.

 
At 10:41 PM, Blogger Carrie said...

From another girl who cries pregnant. I understand the untelling. The sympathy is kind but embarrassing. It is all so awkward for everyone, I feel sorry for putting them in this situation....again.
Still, that said, I am so sorry.

 
At 11:10 PM, Blogger Thalia said...

I was trying to think of what I could do to support you, and realised that my coping strategies - chicklit (carefully screened for pregnancies), chocolate and bad tv are not the same as yours. Decluttering sounds incredibly energetic, I can see how it might be therapeutic.

 
At 12:29 AM, Blogger Jess said...

I'm so sorry.

I with it wasn't this. :(

 
At 12:37 AM, Blogger Teendoc said...

I know exactly what you mean about not being able to handle the outpouring of sympathy. Just know that I understand and you are in my thoughts.

 
At 1:00 AM, Anonymous T said...

Decluttering?! No sugar?! Wow - wow - good for you. I, of course, fell right back into my usual practices, much to G's chagrin.

And ungrateful? Not.

And the embarrassment? Yep, did that this time and I hadn't even gotten to beta (long story)!

I'm sorry about Mr. P - that's sometimes the hardest (not in the case of my scotsman, but you know..).

 
At 1:51 AM, Anonymous Avonlea said...

Sympathy does suck - and it sucks that it sucks. If only healing could be gained though it. If only our wishing...peace for you could bring it.

 
At 1:57 AM, Anonymous Janie said...

Sympathy can certainly make one feel worse instead of better. I totally understand turning off the comments. It only took me 3 tries at commenting to figure out what you had done and I immediately knew why.

My IM pretty much said it all, so I shan't repeat it. Just know that I am thinking of you and Kev and sending healing prayers your way.

oh, and we have a very large yard with piles of leaves... feel free to send dh our way if he needs more leaves to hoover. ;-)

 
At 2:19 AM, Blogger Beagle said...

Thinking of you . . .

 
At 3:04 AM, Anonymous Flicka said...

I just don't know what to say. Nothing seems right.

 
At 5:25 AM, Anonymous JulieB said...

the part I found hardest about our many failed attempts, was people telling me how sorry they were. My coping mechanism was always to put the next cycle plan in place. house cleaning and leaf disposal sounds an awful lot healthier.

 
At 6:58 AM, Blogger millie said...

Thinking so much of you both right now. Wishing I was closer so you could come do some decluttering at my house as well. I'd surely put you to work.

 
At 8:13 AM, Anonymous JB said...

bugger bugger! a Tertia 'survival kit' (18jun07) is highly recommended!

 
At 3:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thinking of you both. You do whatever it takes.

Alchemilla

 
At 3:08 PM, Blogger Ollie said...

FUCK. This sucks so much ass. I can't stop swearing. How absolutely fucking unfair. I am so sorry.

 
At 3:08 PM, Blogger Amyesq said...

Oh God, I am sorry. Please let me know if there is ANYTHING I can do.

 
At 5:13 PM, Blogger moo said...

This sucks. I am thinking of you.Hugs from the Moos.

 
At 5:29 PM, Blogger zhl said...

damn, P. I am so sorry (and sorry that I can't offer anything but apologies). My heart breaks for you and the mister.

 
At 9:07 PM, Blogger Michell said...

Coming over from lost and found. I just wanted to say how very sorry I am.

 
At 9:32 PM, Blogger Katarina Jelly Beana said...

As a recent victim of a hit-and-run pregnancy (16 dpo hcg=33, 18 dpo hcg=30), I am so sorry it happened to you, too.

Proud of you for not going for the sugar. That was my first stop. Wine is next.

I wish you quick healing for your hearts.

 
At 10:59 PM, Anonymous calliope said...

I must have tried to comment 6 million times. My heart just breaks for you and the unfairness and wrongness and shittiness of it all.
It just never makes any fucking sense.
Sending so much love your way.
xoxo

 
At 11:40 PM, Blogger Katie said...

I'm so mad the whole world right now. So fucking mad at this total unfairness. We love you.

 
At 1:38 AM, Blogger Meghan said...

I am so so sorry for your loss. Just had a chemical myself and I headed straight for the wine and ice cream. Good for you for de-cluttering, probably a much healthier choice!

 
At 10:35 AM, Anonymous Artblog said...

Seems so unfair! Sorry from me too :(

HUGS

 
At 12:14 PM, Blogger Bea said...

It still surprises me when the universe makes this little sense. I guess it shouldn't. I'm sorry.

Bea

 
At 9:55 PM, Blogger Dina said...

I am friend IRL of Joy at The Other Shoe who you know had similar news today. I've been lurking on your blog by linking off of hers and I was so sad to hear your news. You will be in my prayers.

 
At 3:59 AM, Blogger tubelessstl said...

it is not fair. it is not fair. I am so sorry.

 
At 4:36 AM, Blogger Nira said...

Thinking of you and sending many hugs. I'm just so very sorry.

 
At 6:51 AM, Blogger Summer said...

I wish I had words to help you and Mr. P. I wish you didn't have to go through this. Again.

 

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