Pamplemousse

PCOS - check. Infertility - check. IVF - check. 43 years young - check. Sick of babydust - fricking double check. Join a Scottish infertile as she slowly swirls down the plughole. Now with added donor egg flava.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

13dp3dt AKA Insert Any Swear Word You Prefer In This Space

I have a line this morning. Faint but a line.

Now before you all jump in with the congrats and high-fiving, let me refer you back to my first DE cycle when this happened.

Why can't I be the person who gets unambiguous + tests at 10dpt?? No, no. I have to have the complete mindfuck. Is it going to be a chemical or an ectopic???

It must be a true measure of how desperately infertile I am that, out of the 40 comments to my last post, no-one even suggested that a good outcome might still occur. But thank you anyway as I only have 2 real-life friends who I can share this crap with and the fact that you all understand and can empathise is worth more than gold.

My favourite swear word for today is my beloved "c" word.

29 Comments:

At 11:09 AM, Blogger Carrie said...

Don't think we weren't wishing for a good outcome. I most certainly was, just didn't want to harp on, I just know the feeling when others try to optimistic in the middle of a crash. It can be very annoying. I think we were all just trying to hold your hand as you coped with this. I'm so sorry you feel like it is an indication of how we feel about you as a parson with a chance of a good outcome. It isn't, it really isn't.

As for the second line. Wow. I know how hard it is when it isn't quite textbook, even more reason to freak out, however a line has appeared. This could be the start. It could. I know it also may not be, but it could. I so hope it is. So so much. Will be thinking of you xx

 
At 11:09 AM, Anonymous Flicka said...

It's never easy for you, is it? I'm hoping against hope that this line is the start of something big. But you know if it isn't, I'll still be here. Hang in there, sweetie.

 
At 12:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have had two DE cycles, and both were chemicals. But a different sort of chemical: fine at first, then falling to hell in a handbasket. So I wonder about your lines, and share your worry as well as, of course, the tiny sliver of hope that has appeared.
Your readers are probably -- like me -- those that shy away from sticky symbols and baby dust, and much more likely to err on the side of dismal. That doesn't mean we don't all hope, strongly, that this means something fine.
We also want you to be careful. Bitter or not, you are one we follow and care about.

 
At 1:10 PM, Anonymous pixi said...

I do hope the line leads to something good. God, I really do.

Sorry you've got no clear answers. It must be unbelievably frustrating and scary.

 
At 1:11 PM, Blogger Beagle said...

I can only speak for me, but I tend not to say "maybe there's still a chance" when someone gets what they have interpretted as a negative because those comments always frustrated me.

In no way did it mean there wasn't a glimmer of hope, wishful thinking here, that it might just still work out.

I will hang my hope on this faint line. May it get more clear and may you have a happy outcome.

Wouldn't that be truly nice.

As for "sorry" I am still sorry that you are enduring this limbo. Clear, happy news, is what I would have prefered for you. Still, a glimmer of hope beats doom, right?

 
At 4:20 PM, Blogger millie said...

I was still hoping hard for you but didn't want to pump any sunshine up your ass. Or get my head bitten off.

And I'm still very hopeful for you.

When do you go in? You need numbers not cheap plastic tests.

I know this limbo you are in all too well. But I also am holding my thumbs so very very very tightly that your limbo goes to a much better place.

I hope you know I'm always here for you. I'm just a phone call or im away, day or night.

 
At 4:22 PM, Blogger millie said...

Oh and I just say the last line in your post. That word is most appropriate for now. You can even call me San Francisco c if that helps.

 
At 4:26 PM, Blogger Sami said...

I hate limbo... I will not blow smoke up your ass, but I will quietly hope for you that this faint line leads to something positive. I hope that you are able to get some numbers so that you know what the hell this is rather than play the guess the beta based on hpt's. Thinking of you.

 
At 4:29 PM, Blogger Summer said...

I was and am still hoping for you, but I didn't want to add frustration to the disappointment of the negative by telling you to hold out hope.

But, I will say that I hope Beagle is right and this new development is a glimmer of hope and not a glimmer of doom.

 
At 4:40 PM, Anonymous B. Mare said...

I feel like a chump now for being so negative earlier, but like others have said, I'm all about the absence of smoke up the ass.

I know they don't do betas here as standard but my GP said they would do one if need be- and given your history of a previous ectopic, I wonder is it worth getting checked out ASAP. It would be soooo great if it were good news.

 
At 5:13 PM, Blogger Suz said...

Sometimes optimism hurts more than it helps...I thought that might be the case in the last post, so I'm sorry.

I am, however, cautiously optimistic for you now and really hoping for good news.

 
At 6:41 PM, Blogger Lisa said...

Longtime lurker here, hoping and wishing that the line continues to darken...

 
At 8:42 PM, Blogger Katie said...

Listen, of course I'm still optimistic. We were out to dinner last night talking about it and still we agreed we weren't giving up hope. I'm just sorry it has to be such a mindfuck. This peeing on a stick thing-- uhg-- can you take up the suggestion Mare made?

 
At 9:12 PM, Blogger Vivien said...

I am quite enjoying reading all those reasons for not being positive! Lots of back-pedalling going on, and I have to add some of my own. Actually my reasoning was just the same, plus I have NEVER forgiven the f***wit doctor who, when faced with my dropping beta numbers tried to tell me that it may still be OK. I didn't give him much credence, to say the least. Sometimes people say stupid things, trying to be kind but I don't think he'll be telling anyone else that sort of thing anytime soon.
NOW, however, I am happy to be more upbeat. I have read those HPT notes that come in the boxes SO MANY TIMES and one thing they are quite sure about, you don't get a false positive.
OK,OK, you aren't out of the woods, but maybe . . .
Will be checking back, and really hopeful.

 
At 9:25 PM, Blogger down.under2 said...

I'm hopeful for you, but I understand the caution. The "C" word is one of my favourite words for situations like this.
Meg

 
At 9:30 PM, Blogger Thalia said...

Damn blogger keeps eating my comments.

I don't think we are back-pedalling, it's more in the way of an explanation and it seems we're all doing the same thing. I always hated it when ppl told me to hope when I felt there wasn't any, so I didn't want to do the same to you, so I didn't. I just took the hope away with me and now I'm not sure what to do - I do have a bit of hope for you but I'm not going to sugar coat it because it's not great news, although it is good news. I wish very much that for a change you got some clearly good news. I'll hope that that line gets darker and you become brooklyn girl mark 2, and we can all quote your pregnancy and baby forever more.

Thinking of you.

 
At 1:26 AM, Blogger Anna said...

I'm really hoping for the best for you on this one. My fingers are crossed for you and Mr. P. Why couldn't the faint line be the start of something beautiful? It really could be- good Lord, I hope this works for you guys. Hang in there. I know this is brutal.

 
At 1:55 AM, Anonymous T said...

Well, my stomach just dropped reading this. Are you toying with my emotions? heh, heh.

Until tomorrow's pee...

 
At 3:10 AM, Blogger Sara said...

The fact that we all have hope for you is illustrated by the fact that we ran back today to see the latest update. The fact that we have enormous respect for you and your understanding of your own situations is illustrated by the fact that we chose not to point out the obvious (that there's still some hope) in light of a blank white space and your obvious understanding of the potential implications of such.

I really do hope and pray that this little line will be the start of something wonderful.

 
At 3:13 AM, Blogger DD said...

You damn tease....but I guess if if are on an emotional roller coaster we may as well have an inkling of what you're going through.

And hell yes, I'll backpeddled if that means I can use the C-work repeatedly. We are thinking the same c-word, aren't we, because if we're not, well that could be embarrassing.

 
At 4:23 AM, Blogger Tertia said...

I fucking knew it. I knew it. But I didn't want to say it because I HATED it when people did that whole Pollyanna thing to me. I wanted to wallow and I didn't want anyone to try and pull me out of it. So I allowed you to wallow, but I was still hopeful for you.

Go and tell that NHS of yours THAT THIS IS A FUCKING EMERGENCY AND YOU NEED A BETA. The internets are waiting.

 
At 4:45 AM, Blogger tonya said...

What a nice turn of events! At least NBHHY. I am hoping so hard that things sail along on a calm sea. Please keep us posted when you can.

 
At 7:02 AM, Anonymous Hong Kong Gal said...

I just couldn't get it out of my head that you don't have betas over there so I didn't want to comment as I would have suggested to get right over to anywhere/anyone and beg for one. Makes no sense to me to rely 100% only on a pee stick. So, here I am still hoping for all the reasons possible that all is well....

 
At 9:06 AM, Anonymous Artblog said...

"C" word? cookies, cakes and chocolate do you mean, ye good cuss words for both uttering and eating lots of when bad news comes by! Would another, sorry, help any? Coz I am, sounds like your going through hell! HUGS

 
At 1:27 PM, Blogger moo said...

A line IS GOOD. However I know better than to blow smoke up your a, so when do you go in for a test? I am holding multiple thumbs for you.BTW, my line was pretty faint all along until I went for the beta. And my beta was only 35.
I'm sorry I missed the other posts - my email was junking all of my blogline updates all weekend, just found them all this a.m! Thinking of you.

 
At 1:59 PM, Blogger PiquantMolly said...

Well then. A line. How about that?

This is an interesting development.

This is possibly good. Reeeaaal good.

 
At 3:05 PM, Anonymous Lynnette said...

Well, I didn't know what to say, hence the "I don't even know what to say," comment. You don't want to be hopeful and Mary Sunshine, sprinkling baby dust all around, and you don't really want to sound consoling. Both reactions, suck, so I go with what is usually the best answer in such situations, a simple "I'm sorry." Its short, but its really encompasses a lot.

That said, WTF do you have to do to get a quantitative beta HCG in Scotland? Can't you say you're having sharp pain or something, with your history? I know, I've asked it before, but really, there has to be someone who can do this simple blood draw in all of the British Isles? Start offering shots of Drambuie or MacAllan or something. This time I'm going to hope you are using some of my crappy Dollar Tree HPTs and they are expired or something. I didn't really get positives on those until 13 or 14 or 15dp3dt. Holding thumbs.

p.s. I got your comment, but I was out of town with limited access...

 
At 3:26 PM, Anonymous Leggy said...

I'm hoping and praying that its the good kind of line (slow to catch on, but real-live baby), vs. the crappy kind of line (ectopic or chemical).
Thinking of you...

 
At 5:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I read yesterday's post, thought "DAMN!" and then thought, well, I'll hope but won't be so annoying as to comment.

Limbo is a really tough place to be, and I really, really hope you can get a beta soon.

Shelley

 

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