Pamplemousse

PCOS - check. Infertility - check. IVF - check. 43 years young - check. Sick of babydust - fricking double check. Join a Scottish infertile as she slowly swirls down the plughole. Now with added donor egg flava.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Twisted Firestarter

It has been 3 weeks since the ectopic was discovered and the meth shot to treat it. This week I am having tear-free days, instead of tear-free hours. I am starting to feel a wee bit like myself again. I am still bleeding but no pain at all.

Last week, the rage was overwhelming me. I felt that all someone had to do was light the blue touch paper. In Stephen King's book Firestarter, the main character Charlie McGee has pyrokinetic powers and has to discharge the power into water to defuse it. She starts off with a bucket and as her power grows, she needs a lake to cool it off. That was me, last week. I could have sent a lake boiling and roiling with the white-hot rage I felt towards the world. I wanted the world to burn.

I felt cheated and robbed and exhausted at the thought of doing all this again and starting from scratch with treatment. I was also still feeling mild PG symptoms and I have to say that that is the most desperate thing. To feel those symptoms and yet know that the embryo is dying or already dead. No wonder I could not stop sobbing.

Luckily I rarely felt the need to leave the house so no innocent sheep were harmed. I might have aimed a death glare out of the window at a rabbit chomping on my alchemilla mollis but there is lots to go round so I decided to live and let live.

Sunday brought a turning point in that I did something normal. I cooked.

My new hob and oven had been installed at that point for over a month and I had never touched them. Mr P had been heating up stuff for all this time and if it was not something that could be heated in the oven or zapped in the microwave, then it just was not happening.

Now that is not to say that I am cooking everything from scratch every day now. I am not quite there yet but it was a step, a small one. I know I will get back to normal some time. I know it takes time but that is all I have got.

32 Comments:

At 11:52 AM, Anonymous Kath said...

Dear Pamplemousse, I'm glad you're starting to feel a little like yourself again. Cooking -- and not with a flamethrower -- is a very, very good sign.

Slowly coming up for air, getting back on the long and arduous treatment road: it's all one tiny step after the other. I'm so very sorry you've been thrown back so far. Your rage is so understandable. Thinking of you, and wishing you many, many tear-free days.

 
At 1:46 PM, Blogger fisher queen said...

Cooking is definitely good for the soul. Hugs from across the ocean.

 
At 2:18 PM, Anonymous Jenn said...

Thinking of you.

 
At 4:18 PM, Blogger Mellie said...

I think you're amazing for getting this far. I do hope that the tear-free days stretch into tear-free weeks. And that the cooking continues to ease your soul.

 
At 4:55 PM, Blogger Thalia said...

I've been cooking, too. It's something I can do to nurture myself and my husband, and it's been an indicator of recovery in that way. I so know waht you mean about coming back to life slowly and in pieces. Thinking of you.

 
At 5:19 PM, Blogger Beagle said...

The rage is so understandable. Good of you to let the bunny be.

I am not as good with words as those who have already spoken just wanted to say that I continue to be . . .

Thinking of you and Mr. P.

 
At 5:36 PM, Blogger Fertile Soul said...

I'm so glad you picked up cooking. I love to cook, but don't allow myself the time, sometimes. It's so involved and messy. But when i do it, for that moment, i feel free and content. I'm not thinking about when or if i'll have kids. I'm just me. It's good to get back into a craft that you like.

Thinking of you,

 
At 6:48 PM, Blogger Vivien said...

I understand the anger.
Thinking of you. Have just introduced my husband to your blog. Both of us crying now.
Always amazed at how strong you are.

 
At 7:14 PM, Blogger Alli said...

Your strength is inspiring. Glad you are starting to feel like yourself again. Thinking of you.

 
At 9:01 PM, Anonymous T said...

I'm glad you're starting to feel a bit better. Unfortunately, it is time, but it drags so! Cooking is good - whatcha making?

 
At 9:07 PM, Blogger Angie said...

Cooking is good. Thinking of you!

 
At 10:26 PM, Blogger Jess said...

Glad to hear you're at least doing a little something. Baby steps, my dear, and sooner rather than later you'll find you can live a little again. :)

Till then, extra TLC and lots of ice cream.

Or whatever else you want!!

 
At 10:43 PM, Blogger Lut C. said...

Yum! Home cooking!

I'd go all out for cakes and cookies, but it's not compatible with the diet. :-/

It's a good sign that you're trying to enjoy that new kitchen.

 
At 11:51 PM, Blogger Allie said...

I'm so glad you seem to be feeling a little better. Take it one day at a time. You are strong!

 
At 12:00 AM, Blogger Avonlea said...

I've want to scream for you - I mean why do bad things happen to good people and good things to bad people?

It's simply not fair and you're so wonderful you should have everything you want and need.

I hope time will heal all of your wounds.

 
At 12:08 AM, Blogger Nico said...

I'm glad that you're feeling a bit better. I hope that you continue to heal. Although I don't think that one ever gets over a loss like this completely. I'm angry and pissed off for you too!

 
At 3:29 AM, Anonymous KIMMER said...

Glad you are starting to feel a little better also. A little food for the soul will do wonders. I so understand the anger also.

 
At 4:06 AM, Blogger Sue said...

Hey, Ms. P. I think "normal" is a relative term. After everything you've gone through, I don't think you can ever feel completely normal again. That's how I feel, anyway. Glad you're on the right path, though.

 
At 10:24 AM, Blogger moo said...

Hi Ms. P - glad you are having some better days and cooking brings out the good in us.

 
At 10:40 AM, Blogger Em said...

What's normal? Don't be too hard on yourself. When I am really down I hate listening to music so I know I am on the up when I want to. Cooking sounds like it does it for you. I am pissed off about the unfairness of it, although I feel these are empty words for you because it's you going through this, not me. Take care.

 
At 8:35 PM, Blogger Donna said...

Cooking is an impressive step. I'll stop short of going down the "you're creating something" path, but I put it right up there with gardening.

 
At 11:19 PM, Blogger the waiting line said...

Glad you've turned a corner. Hope you feel 100% yourself very soon.

(I had an ectopic in Dec '04. I know what you mean about feeling robbed, feeling early PG symptoms all for not, followed by the meth shot. It's a shitty experience, I know.)

 
At 4:24 AM, Blogger sube said...

I'm in week 2 (where you were last week), and I'm with you on the anger. And bitterness. Did you get the bitterness? I'm glad you're starting to come out of it. You give me hope for my week 3. Cook some yummy comfort food.

 
At 4:58 AM, Blogger Vacant Uterus said...

Oh, my dear. I'm glad you're cooking again and having tear-free days. But how awful that you're still having PG symptoms. I hope they go away soon and you're able to just focus on you for a little.

 
At 3:14 PM, Anonymous Sarah said...

Great to hear that life is starting to get back to normal. I hope that very soon you will be at tear-free weeks!

 
At 7:32 PM, Blogger soralis said...

I just got back from my vacation and am finally catching up... I am so very sorry.

I hope each day gets a little easier for you.

Take care

 
At 1:40 AM, Blogger blondie said...

Dearest Pamplemousse,

I have only just stumbled blindly onto your blog this morning and I have to say I am drawn in already.
I am very pleased that you are getting back on track after such a heart-wrenching ordeal. I feel for you and Mr P.

Keep talking. We share in your pain and wish you all the love in the world.

Yours,
Fellow PCOS sufferer and now prospective adoptive parent.

 
At 9:09 PM, Blogger Coloratura said...

Hang in there, Madame P... I so sorry you've had to suffer this like, and I hope somewhere, somehow you'll have your happy ending. You deserve it!

I'm just across the pond from you, this week... :p

 
At 1:12 PM, Blogger Womb in Waiting said...

I've only just discovered your blog & im glad I did. Im so sorry you've gone thru this but Im glad youre feeling a tad better. I can relate to some of what you've written. Ive lost 4 pregnancies so I understand the loss & pain & RAGE. I also know what it feels like to suddenly be a familiar hospital / health consumer after never ever needing it. I, like you, had never even been in a hospital (as a patient) or had a G.A till my D&C& now it feels too familiar. Take care of you & enjoy the creating & nurturing of your cooking - its soul food youre making x

 
At 4:49 AM, Blogger Chee Chee said...

Anger I totally understand. The cycle of pain and suffering just seems endless. . .

I am happy that you are starting to cook again. Take care of yourself.

 
At 8:00 AM, Blogger Maya said...

I have felt that type of rage before. In fact, I was there off and on for years... almost 10 as a matter of fact. I am surprised that I didn't actually breathe fire at certain points. It wasn't pretty at the time, but my hurt and pain needed a voice and reality. It is certainly more of a journey, than a destination.

You are definitely not alone. You are empathized with. Hugs. As others have said there is definitely something very healing about cooking. It is a very simple act of creation that nourishes. Good for you for channeling you anger into something healthy.

 
At 5:32 PM, Blogger Overwhelmed! said...

Delurking to tell you that you are in my thoughts.

 

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