PCOS - check. Infertility - check. IVF - check. 43 years young - check. Sick of babydust - fricking double check. Join a Scottish infertile as she slowly swirls down the plughole. Now with added donor egg flava.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

There's No Crying in Baseball

But you cannot watch it here in this country so I will just have to make do with my copy of A League of Their Own.

HCG down to 6 on Monday and I have been officially kicked loose from Ectopic Watch 2006. Apparently, my consultant doctor wants us to have a review appt. in 2 months. Ha! Yeah, right!

Plans for going to South Africa are moving on. The good doctor wants us there on Sept 25th so I have booked flights, trying not to wince at the cost. They are the most expensive flights I have ever paid for.

I don't know what the trick is with all these folks using frequent flyer miles to get free or cheap flights. Is it to fly everywhere, every week or use the same airline all the time to book with? I don't fly often enough and when I do, I am usually looking for a bargain fare, rather than loyalty to a particular airline. My Scottish cheapskatedness does like the sound of free flights.

Our weekend away was great. The weather was pish but what else to expect in July (or any other month) in Scotland. It matched my blah-de-blah mood. There is something about the coastline round Arisaig that speaks to me. It is utterly wild and desolate yet beautiful. Even now, it does not get too crowded. Most folks are on the way to the ferry for Skye and do not tarry much. I did see the cottages in the flesh that I have considered booking online before and now that I know exactly where they are (in an utterly beguiling position), I will be booking a week there for next year.

One thing I did realise at the weekend is that I have not had my hair coloured or cut since March. It was doing away fine until I was pregnant and then I did not want to colour it. Once I was not really pregnant, I did not feel like it. Ditto with the eyebrows and the facial hair. Now I have at least 2 inches of grey roots, a forest of mono eyebrow and a hamster on my upper lip. Even in the depths of depression, I am horrifying myself. week, as well as having who knows how many vials of blood drawn for our up-to-date STD screenings for SA, I am having all my separate hair needs attended to. I don't know if it is an indication of my feeling better or not. It depends on which day you ask me. I am being gentle on myself and trying not to castigate myself for my moping.

One thing I wish I could shake is the knowledge of exactly how many days and weeks I would still be pregnant if it had been viable. When does that go away? (11 weeks tomorrow, in that parallel world where good things happen). I just want to forget now, to stop being haunted.


At 3:18 PM, Anonymous pixi said...

Yeah, let yourself heal at your own pace. A little pampering certainly doesn't hurt, though. You certainly deserve that.

As for the counting, you might not give up on that until after the due date. And even then who knows. Getting pregnant again could help take the focus off of "what might have been." I'm praying, P, that this South Africa trip will be it. God, please let it be.

At 3:44 PM, Blogger DD said...

We all do it. Count the days, weeks, months and years. It won't always bring the stabbing pain that you feel at the beginning, but there's no reason to not remember.

I hope that a "spa-day" on the hair front will bring a small bright spot to your day.

At 5:02 PM, Blogger Alli said...

Had to LOL about the hair issues.

I have counted it out, also. Even now I think of how old that child would be, but it's not accompanied by that gut wrenching falling feeling in my stomach anymore.

At 5:12 PM, Blogger soralis said...

I hope you have an enjoyable trip, sounds wonderful.

So sorry about your loss.

Take care

At 5:23 PM, Blogger art-sweet said...

Last night as I was skimming through blogs of pregnant friends I found myself counting, thinking, we would be out of the first trimester, Pili would be starting to show...

Everyone says the pain will go away once we have our baby (adoption). I sure hope so. Right now it is still so raw. Know you are not alone, lovely P.

At 5:47 PM, Blogger Thalia said...

Sounds like you were in a beautiful place. I love that part of Scotland.

I don't know when counting the weeks and days goes away. I'm still doing it. And of course I have my hairdresser to remind me in case I forget...

Glad you're back.

At 6:14 PM, Blogger Susie said...

So glad to hear plans are progressing for SA. And your weekend away sounds lovely.

Like other have said, the counting goes on. For me it was the worst up until the due date. Keep being gentle with yourself, that's the best way to handle it.

At 6:49 PM, Blogger amyesq said...

Yes, I know that awful "how many weeks?" feeling. I am afraid it won't go away for a while so go easy on yourself. I am very excited for your trip to SA and am hoping for only best things for you.

Please try to enjoy your day of pampering. You deseeerve it.

At 8:28 PM, Blogger Larisa said...

For me, the "how many weeks" thing was very present until I began cycling again - now there are reminders (the woman I cycled with who is pregnant - and yes, I can tell you exactly HOW pregnant), but I don't think about it every day. I also know that the due date will not go unnoticed.

Have fun with the hair removal!

At 8:55 PM, Anonymous Lynnette said...

Glad you had a good trip. I wanted to let you know that we had a ton of FF miles and didn't get to use any on our flight to SA either. Something about American and British Airways being partners, but not really. So ours were about $1800 US each, round trip. Also, I noticed you were looking for accommodation still. Nox Properties was great, and they had quite a few places in Camps Bay, where I would recommend you stay. I'll try to remember to send you a link and Christine's email. If you jump the gun and talk to her first, tell her "I" sent you (wink). They were very supportive about the cycle. Also, while I'm thinking of it, do they have "Nad's" hair remover in Scotland? I just discovered it. I'm too clumsy to use it on my eyebrows, but excellent for the mustachio! They have a handy little trial size that is easy to maneuver.

At 9:21 PM, Blogger Summer said...

I don't know if the counting ever really stops. Like many of the women before, I still think about how old my child would be in that parallel happy universe.

The pain does lessen even though the thoughts continue.

At 10:45 PM, Blogger Teendoc said...

Congrats on being kicked loose from ectopic watch!

And I used my miles for a free business class ticket! (SA Airways is a US Airways partner) Now I just have to pay for my dad's ticket.

At 11:05 PM, Blogger Jess said...

you sound so much better. like the pp said, the thoughts stay even when the pain lessens, but the pain does lessen, and that's a gift. :)

Have fun with the trip planning and the hair-fixing! :D

At 3:15 AM, Anonymous julianna said...

I have no words of comfort that will help anything.....

just know that I think of you often,

At 10:38 AM, Blogger blondie said...

For someone with a 'hamster' on her lip (shit, that made me laugh!) you have done pretty well to cope with what life has dealt you. See to that de-rodent surgery as soon as you can to pamper yourself. Get a facial and a massage while you are at it. I recommend it! :)

At 3:35 PM, Blogger Katie (WannaBeMom) said...

Oh Pamps-my-pamps... You do everything you need to do for yourself.

But HOLY shit-- a booked ticket for SA?! That's pretty exciting...!

At 9:15 PM, Blogger Beagle said...

I think a return to grooming details is a good sign. I have noticed too that I only shave my legs on good days. I don't even bother shaving them for the RE anymore if I feel down.

GOing to SA will be exciting. We've used a lot of free miles, but we have a credit card that earns miles and well you know I am charging my RE bills to a Visa card!

Good Luck with this next adventure.

At 12:33 AM, Blogger Kris said...

I am, of course, still calculating weeks. Sucky. And I still remember the due date of my three-years-ago miscarriage. And I sometimes still think about how old my would-have-been child would be.

The ticket to SA may be expensive, but, WOW... how exciting!

At 3:22 PM, Anonymous Sarah said...

South Africa, how exciting! I don't think that the counting goes away that easily. Our bodies learn that we aren't pg anymore, but it takes much longer for our minds. July 4th comes and goes each year and I will always remember that as the due date. It doesn't overtake me, but it is always there and always will be. Take care.

At 3:50 PM, Blogger Vivien said...

South Africa is amazing - lots of excellent Stellenbosch et al wine, and fantastic safaris, (bag your big 5 here) and stunning scenery. Go up table mountain and feed the big rodent things that are unique to there (can't remember what they are called - sign of age). You will love it all. Hey, and I know this is difficult for you Scottish types, but it's only money!!

Re weeks and anniversaries, I don't think it ever stops, but I really try to forget mine, because, after all, what's the point? We have to move on. But of course it's not that easy. Every miscarriage I have had seems to be marked by someone else in my life who HAD that baby. But what can you do? Shall we request transfers to that parallel world? I was just thinking today that the 3lbs I have gained since being pregnant would have been perfectly acceptable in the parallel world where I would be 8 weeks and 1 day.
Moping? Who's moping?

At 4:55 PM, Blogger moo said...

Hey P

I just sent you an email response - let me know if you get it and what the latest is on lodging et al.

For me the counting sort of faded. It (the loss)happened on a holiday weekend, so I always dwell when that holiday rolls around.

hang in there girl. We are going to SA!!! back to work and the gym on my lunch (now). This has been a busy infertile reading/writing Friday for me. I am going to have put in some serious work after the gym to make up for it.

At 11:02 PM, Blogger Vacant Uterus said...

Hang in there, P. It's such a tough road you're on. I can't even imagine. I hope SA has more to offer you. Have you thought of seeing Tertia while you're there? Bet she'd have some nice wine to share.

You know, the more you talk about Scottish weather, the more I wonder if I really want to take up broadsword training there. I don't enjoy rain, or at least not on a regular basis. :-p

At 3:50 PM, Blogger Avonlea said...

You know it could just be an industry backed study, but I'm hearing more and more it's okay to color your hair during pregnancy - but if you want to be cautious, have them use foil to keep the color off the scalp.

I'm sorry the cost of flying is so high, but I am glad you're moving forward.

I wish you could stop being haunted too - big hugs.

At 2:31 AM, Blogger MC said...

I'm not sure the haunting ever really goes away. At least it hasn't for me. It's now triggered by what would have been my due date and seeing babies that would have been the same age as mine if I hadn't miscarriaged. You need to look after yourself and grieve when you need to.

At 5:02 AM, Blogger the waiting line said...

oh man, you brought 2 very horrifying things in one post: (1) hair maintenance (of all types: facial and otherwise); and (2) the parallel universe!! yikes.

eventually, even that parallel universe will fade - promise, and hopefully this one will brighten up for you soon.

At 4:05 PM, Anonymous T said...

I hope you're doing well - ditto what everyone said on the counting - I hope SA is it.

I've been away and out of commission, but think of you often.

At 4:17 PM, Blogger linda said...

Too funny. I just defoliated everything this week since I'm finally healed enough from surgery to get out the wax and get to business. I even gave myself a french pedicure along with it.

For me, the counting has never gone away. (I had one ectopic, one elective abortion...many years ago when I was too young to even BE pregnant). Even though I despise my ex that got me pregnant, twice, more than 20 years ago, I still think every once in a while, "Wow, my son(s) and/or daughter(s) would each be 25 and 26 right now." Time has healed the pain for me, but honestly, if my feelings towards my ex were different, it might be a lot harder to reflect on the two children that I don't have.

I hope that day by day it hurts less and less.

When are you leaving for SA??

At 5:01 PM, Blogger zhl said...

I don't know how long it hurts. A long, long time, I imagine.

Trip to SA sounds exciting.

Thinking of you.


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