PCOS - check. Infertility - check. IVF - check. 43 years young - check. Sick of babydust - fricking double check. Join a Scottish infertile as she slowly swirls down the plughole. Now with added donor egg flava.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Caffeinated Hodgepodge

Happy New Year, my friends. Yes, I am a tad late but you know I have all sort of lame excuses I could fob you off with.

I need a refresher in time management as I don't know what happens to each and every day just now. I keep thinking ooh I must blog about that and then poof, it's gone.

I still have not managed to sort the South Africa photos out. Maybe by summertime, eh?

I have a raft of iTunes vouchers to use to update my new Xmas iPod but again, no time.

I really just want to hunker down and hibernate until April/May but my filofax and work calendar both disagree vehemently with me and will not let me rest.

I am kind of avoiding blogland at the moment as lots of delicious babies are being born and surprise pregnancies popping up all over. Relax, it will never happen here.

I am trying desperately not to think of my due date in a couple of weeks. I will perk up again soon, promise but I just need to get past that milestone. I know it is a stone cliche but it might have been my one and only pregnancy and due date and although I am trying hard with the aid of the drugs not to elevate it in a misty, romantic fashion, it is hard to forget.

I wish I could forget as I still have acid flashbacks but not in a good way.

In an effort to keep the demons at bay, I have madly scheduled every waking inch of my weekends. Work takes care of the week so Saturday was a social whirl, complete with plastered-on-lipstick smile.

Yesterday, we exercised for an hour, both Mr P and I cleaned the house for 2 hours, I cooked tomato and lentil soup and spinach and tomato pappardelle pasta and between snatches of the Sunday newspapers, phone calls, prep for work and watching Grey's Anatomy, the weekend was finished. Back to Monday again!

Why is it always just after the holidays that you think "when are the holidays"???

January is the usual blah blah but with the added fillip of horrendous storms. Hurricane force gales and torrential rain and nary a snowflake in sight. Not to mention a leaking roof with water coming in through the front hall ceiling. The roof guy was thrilled to scale my mossy roof although he must have about made his first million by now from all the wind damage he will be tackling in this area. I knowit is usually stormy at this time of year but there has been hardly a let-up for weeks.

I am in a rage about this and this and this and this.

Is it just me or has the world started to go downhill really fast all of a sudden?

This stream of consciousness in my tea break has been brought to you by our sponsor, Starmegabucks double tall skimmed latte. Go forth and jitter, my friends.


At 11:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Glad to see a post here at the house of Pamplemousse! You can visit me if you like, there is no worry of a surprise pregnancy at my house (yes, I am writing that rather selfishly, hoping to temp fate to prove me wrong!)

I'd like to hibernate indefinitely so I can relate to that bit for sure.

At 11:25 PM, Blogger Beagle said...

That was me, Beagle, not sure why it's labeled me as anonymous.

At 12:09 AM, Blogger MsPrufrock said...

Dearest, all of those random thoughts but no mention of all the delicious American television that has started/will soon start?

At 3:36 AM, Anonymous Flicka said...

World, handbasket. Handbasket, world.


I'm sorry for the pain of your impending due date. As though the miscarriage was not enough, now this lonely day is staring you in the face. I'm thinking of you.

and also hoping your roof gets better soon.

At 11:06 AM, Blogger Meri-ann said...

Glad to see you around- and the due dates hurt like hell; just take my advice & drink... x

At 1:44 PM, Blogger Calliope said...

I missed you.

At 2:48 PM, Blogger Mother2b said...

No pregnancy here either. Yesterday was the due date for my pregnancy that didn't happen. I wanted more pity, but settled for sushi, sake and self-pity. Perhaps a very silly question: I drink tea and adore it. I've read about keeping caffeine consumption down when trying to conceive but somehow I think that the four cups of tea I drink are NOT the cause of 1 year/ 1 mc so I continue to enjoy. Any thoughts?
A video blog: Frolics in (in)fertility with only a willing husband, a trusted video camera and waning biological resources.

At 8:30 PM, Blogger Thalia said...

Yes, I'm looking that due date right in the eye and it's not pretty. And am very bothered by the warmness. No snow in oslo now, first time in 40 years. What have we done?

But you, I'm so pleased to hear from you because you are a bright spot in all this gloom.

At 11:06 PM, Blogger Lut C. said...

Are you sure you want me to wish you forgetfulness? ;-)

I'd like to cut a few things out of my mind. There was a movie about that, wasn't there?

At 5:18 AM, Blogger art-sweet said...

I understand the desire to hibernate. But you are missed when you're in your cave!

At 4:35 PM, Anonymous Kimmer said...

No surprise pregnancies at my little blog either. "Upcoming due dates" suck, I can understand what you are feeling. Good to see you post!

At 1:34 AM, Blogger Millie said...

Definitely no surprise pregnancies here.

Having just survived my due date I feel your pain. Not in a Shrubby kind of way but more a 'damn, this sucks' kind of way.

Oh and I stil haven't put up any SA pics from a year ago. So I think you have some time.

We had ice here today. Perhaps hell really has frozen over?

At 2:42 AM, Blogger Hummingbird said...

As a Canadian, I am interested in what happens in my country, especially relating to global warming on the very shoulders of my 'Great White North'. As a Canadian, and World Citizen, I am appalled that in this country, this bit of news has had nary a mention. Jesus wept. I did hear about the polar Bear issue. I wept. I couldnt access the third 'this' of your rage examples, but the fourth has sparked an interest in our media as we are seeing a lot of European ski tourists on our snow covered slopes. Whistler, and Banff: 1, world stage climate change, 0. Fuck.

Meanwhile, I am sitting with your post in my head, my belly doing a flip at the words 'due date'. I lost three unborn babies. Early. I so empathise with your sorrow. For the life of me, I cant remember the dates of conception, times of the year, or due dates. I've blocked it out of my mind. But my heart aches for you, and for me, and for all of us. No surprise pregnancies will happen here either,anymore, and I cant, ever, block the loss out. Just knowing they were there, and then not there, and that they arent coming back is all I can handle. Sometimes I cant handle it. The body has a strange cellular memory, and at times I get so depressed. I know my body is remembering something I cant. Its in my visceral experience, and not in my head. The body has its own wisdom though... and sometimes grieving needs to be revisited, to acknowledge, to honour, and to validate the moment. This really happened. To. Me. I was a MOTHER. For a very little while. And so where you. And so were you.....You must allow yourself to own that. Take it in, so that part of the grief can be met, face to face. It needs to be respected, that experience. We all need, those of us who have been through it, to have those words said out loud. "I was a Mother". I have to do that too, having never actually said aloud, "I was a mother". I'm So sorry for your loss, dearest P.....

At 2:56 AM, Anonymous babydreams said...

I understand your pain about the due date. My due date was December 20, which no one except me seemed to remember. Maybe I expect too much of those around me. Anyway, please know I will be thinking of you and praying for you.

At 1:57 AM, Blogger linda said...

It's good to have you back. No worries of a surprise pregnancy happening here I'm afraid. We're starting a new cycle, but if I were to ever get a BFP I think I'd go and hibernate for a few weeks, months, until I knew it was real. I feel sad thinking about how you will feel when your due date comes around. Hummingbird really put it all into words, didn't she? Sending you lots of love, and many hugs, my dear Pamplemousse.

At 9:27 AM, Blogger Sara said...

Yup. The world is going to hell in a handbasket. It makes me so angry, and so sad.

Regarding the due date, I realize that nothing that anyone can say is likely to make you feel better, but just know that lots of people are out here thinking about you, and wishing that things were different.


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