PCOS - check. Infertility - check. IVF - check. 43 years young - check. Sick of babydust - fricking double check. Join a Scottish infertile as she slowly swirls down the plughole. Now with added donor egg flava.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Driving Miss Poppy

Gee whizz! How long has it been since I last posted?? I would apologise but what the heck. Life is busy here so suck it up hahaha.

I have a confession.

At the grand old age of 42, I am finally learning to drive. With gears and everything. I know, how lame. I know most of you Americans come out of the womb with the steering wheel clenched between your teeth but I never really wanted to do it.

Mr P learnt about 10 years ago and has been dropping giant hints ever since. I was too busy spending money on ART and trips to South Africa. Now I have decided that it is time to actually accomplish something, anything, rather than pour money into my defective body.

Lots of peeps have asked how I am doing and I can say truthfully...Good. I am on my little pillow of Prozac still and I float along, getting on with my life. Occasionally I think about cycling again and then I think "Nah".

The blogging thing (or lack of it) is weird. I no longer feel the need to howl into the ether or hear an answering distant howl back. I am resigned to being childless and every day I confirm that to myself. I am happier not cycling ever again than facing the endless cycles of depression and self-hate and self-pity that would be my companions.

I get it now. My body just does not want to do it, not with my eggs nor anybody else's. And I can accept that. It took a long time but I am definitely getting there.

Some days and weeks are easier than others but it will pass. When my father died, I thought I would never get over it and the pain would never ease or the crying stop. But it does. To me, this feels the same way.

So the driving thing? Taking back some control that is not governed by hormones feels fabulous. I do it at work all the time but this is new. I normally joke that I am totally unco-ordinated and for a long time, I thought I would just not be capable to drive or would hate it. Funnily enough, I love it, gears and all.

I always said that I would have a kid or a dog. I have the dog now and it is enough.

So if you are here for the group-induced self-pity or the ART angst, move on. They don't live here anymore.


At 10:26 PM, Blogger beagle said...

I'm here because you rock.

At 10:27 PM, Blogger Sam said...


Congratulations on the learning to drive. (says the American that was born with a steering wheel between her teeth!)

At 11:09 PM, Blogger Kami said...

I want to hear about a country where you can get by without knowing how to drive. That sounds like my kind of place. I couldn't wait to drive, but now I would love to turn in my car and only bike or walk, but I live in America - on the west coast. We don't know the meaning of a well planned city or (gasp!) public transportation.

Congrats on moving on!

At 11:23 PM, Blogger Summer said...

I'm here because I just plain like you.

I think it's spectacular you are learning to drive, although I'm with Kami. As much as I love taking public transportation when I can, it's hard for me to imagine a place where you can do that all the time!

At 11:24 PM, Blogger MsPrufrock said...

I was just thinking of you today, so it's funny that you've decided to post after all this time. I'm ever so pleased that you did.

Well done on the driving thing - I keep thinking I should learn over here, but eh...a lot of effort. Best of luck to you!

At 11:54 PM, Anonymous Jenn said...

You do rock.

Tertia I think said when the pain of trying is worse than the pain of not trying, it's time to stop. That always seemed to make sense to me.

At 12:09 AM, Blogger Heather said...

Good for you!!!

I've missed you.

At 1:11 AM, Anonymous sarah said...

Will Miss Poppy be an only dog?

At 3:05 AM, Blogger Jess said...

You sound FABULOUS and I'm so glad to hear it!!

Keep us posted on the driving, etc. And I want more pics of Miss Poppy, of course!!

At 3:53 AM, Anonymous Lynnette said...

I just here because I like YOU! This "ether" thing, does that mean you're not going to ever write? I would miss you, but hopefully I have a place to stay in Scotland-ia...?

At 3:55 AM, Anonymous Lynnette said...

OK. "I'M" just here. Me talk good, someday...

Going to bed now...

At 8:11 AM, Blogger Sassy said...

It's so great to hear from you. I'm really glad that you're good and that it is getting easier.

I don't have my drivers license but am hoping to get it later this year. Was it scary?

At 9:16 AM, Blogger lepetitelfe said...

I like to read what you write (and I like the pictures of miss p on the beach). So as long as you want to write, about whatever you want, I'll be lurking and reading.

At 10:39 PM, Blogger Lut C. said...

Glad to hear you've kicked those unwanted guests out of your house and life. May they never show their ugly faces again.

Learning to drive, that brings back memories. My parents taught me when I was a teenager. After me, they sent my siblings to driving school! Very stressful.
Good to hear you're actually enjoying the process.

At 12:10 AM, Blogger zhl said...

Congrats P on the driving and the moving on. I am so happy that you are happy. I miss hearing from you but am glad it's for a good reason.

But come on, no picture of the pup? Now that's cruel.-)

At 1:04 AM, Blogger Vacant Uterus said...

I am REALLY glad you popped your head back up! I've been missing you and very worried to boot. Glad to see that all of my owrry has been for naught; you sound like you are in a very good place. I am glad you are finally enjoying some peace.

I did NOT want to learn to drive. I begged my parents not to make me. I had to learn anyway and I drive all over now but I guess I wasn't the usual American teen! Good luck; I know you'll do well.


At 9:29 PM, Anonymous Avonlea said...

I've only ever wanted for you to be happy my dear.

I learned to drive at 36 it was very hard for me because of a prior accident, I think you'll find it very freeing to be steering your own course.

Send you and your puppy big hugs and kisses.

At 9:30 PM, Anonymous Avonlea said...

err - that should have been "sending" not "send".

At 10:26 PM, Blogger moo said...

Ms P - I'm here because I like you so much - no matter the topic. Please more pix of Poppy.

At 6:31 AM, Blogger tonya said...

Well said. I'm here because of YOU, not particular aspects of your journey.

Driving is such a great metaphor for making life on your own terms now. SO glad to hear from you again!

At 4:30 PM, Blogger Katie said...

I come here for you!!

At 4:45 PM, Anonymous Silene said...

I'm also here because you rock and I like reading what you write. Glad that you are happy, and looking forward to more pictures of Miss P!!

At 1:29 AM, Anonymous Kath said...

Dear Pamplemousse, it's so good to hear from you, and even better to know that you're in a good place right now.

Good for you for learning to drive -- driving for me was fraught with worry for the longest time, and I only really got comfortable with it a few years ago. It's a huge step, and I congratulate you on it.

At 6:43 AM, Blogger Amyesq said...

It is SO good to hear from you. And wow for learning to drive! And even more wow for being patient behind those hopelessly slow hay-filled lorry drivers and tractors that seem to populate the roads where you live. Well, actually, you didn't say anything about being patient with them, did you? Heh.

I will always be here no matter what you want to post.

At 11:05 AM, Blogger OvaGirl said...

Congratulations Pamplemousse. on everything. xx

At 5:19 PM, Anonymous T said...

Can I bring my own self pity here? What if it brings beer?

At 2:13 PM, Blogger Thalia said...

Even though you are firmly in my bloglines, and will be forever more, I check back in occasionally, and was horrified to find I hadn't commented on this post. I am a bad, bad friend. I hope all is well with you and your H and the puppy (or is she a dog by now?). I will always be around, wanting to hear how you are, I certainly didn't come for the angst.

At 4:08 PM, Blogger Thalia said...

Hellloooo grapefruit lady. How are you? How is Mr grapefruit? And the lovely doggy grapefruit? And how is the driving coming along?

At 9:07 PM, Blogger Shoe said...

Hey Mrs.P!

I was just thinking we should form some sort of web-network for those of us who are recovering ART'ers.

How goes the driving???

At 4:10 PM, Blogger sexy said...










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